AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

We're you in the army? Give them some space .

Teen bedrooms are akin to the upside down in 'Stranger things', they're not a place i care to venture into often. Their space, their rules, they need to learn how to manage their own environment.

The OP is fortunate to have two such easy going sons who are prepared to go along with how he wants them to behave but I doubt that method would be guaranteed to work with all teenagers, human beings are not all the same and in my opinion, not always so easily controlled....

You also say that they can expect you to enter their rooms whenever you wish. Even when they are out. All teenagers (and most people) have personal items they don't want their families to see.

Probably means his wife, his children are only trained to tidy 😂

I find it really strange that you should want your home to be similar to a classroom. Home is meant to be where we can relax, switch off, enjoy ourselves and go at our own pace. If your teens are naturally inclined to be super tidy at all times then absolutely fair enough, but you having to enforce weird rules to ensure tidiness suggests they are not.

And privacy is a big deal. I'd have been absolutely furious if my mother had been going into my bedroom because it was my space where I kept my private things.

Doesn't sound healthy to me. By all means expecting cleanliness. But being untidy isn't a major crime in my book.

I'm more concerned about the lack of privacy you seem to be giving your kids. I remember being a teenage boy and all the changes you go through. I think most teen boys go through the stage of getting aroused at very little, and don't want Mum or Dad walking in while they are watching hollyoaks etc. 😎

Both girls and boys of that age need their own private space where they can say who enters or not. My parents would only really go in to put clean clothes on the bed for me to put in drawers.

It's better to leave doors closed for fire safety, or at least that's what we were taught.

The bedrooms are not private space comment got my back up! Your poor boys!

I don’t agree with op, apart from having old food and dirty clothes in the room because that is just gross, and I think it’s extremely important for them to have a room that is truly theirs and is private if they want.

But dear lord some people on MN really hate men.

60% of us are disagreeing with you, OP.

It worries me* *that you seem unable to grasp that there is a middle ground to be had. Raising teenagers without compromise is a hiding to nowhere.

I am curious to know if you can imagine a holiday without cleaning staff.

I am 56 years old and I don't think I've ever been on holiday with cleaning staff.

What rules did you have growing up OP?

Your post just stinks of a man insisting he parents better than a woman. I don't see 60% of posters agreeing with you either, I see the majority pointing out that you're too strict over something that doesn't even need it.

You've trained your children to tidy away ready for a woman to clean after them. Ironic really. Try training them, and yourself, to actually cleaning, it's not just a womans job, your penis isn't that big that it stops you dusting and mopping

I think the crux of it for me is - what is the purpose of their bedroom? I see a bedroom as a personal space that you have how you want. You seem to see it as an extension of the shared space that should be kept to your standards.

For me, as long as there wasn't anything rotting in there and they opened a window occasionally, how their room is is up to them. It's how they learn natural consequences: if your room's an absolute tip and you can't find something, you'll learn to keep it clean. If a friend is coming over and you're embarrassed, you'll remember that. Equally, if you're happy for it to be a mess and it doesn't impact your life, you'll leave it as it is. It doesn't impact you, as a person who doesn't sleep or exist for any extended time in any way (as I said, unless they're damaging anything by leaving rotting food around - in which case you're well within your rights to complain). But otherwise - it's their room.

And I think your controlling behaviour will drive a wedge between your and your sons. Such Victorian values belong in the past as do you.

I don't need a man to tell me how to parent.

It's their space and as long as they aren't damaging the walls/floors or doing anything that causes some kind of environmental hazards eg leaving food out, trash etc then they should be able to treat it how they want. My mum was always on at me about having a messy room and it never made any difference - just made it less fun to be at home. When I moved out, I learnt my own lessons and had to grow up/be tidier. But they need to figure it out themselves.

Me and my kids are all naturally messy. If left to our own devices, we would certainly descend into chaos. I do the organised mum method which does help me to keep on top of things. I get my sons to clean and tidy their own rooms on a weekly basis. They do not do this willingly. They need a kick up the butt and the threat of removing screens/privileges to motivate them. I also have to be there to supervise and tell them what they need to do next.

We also have a no food and drinks in bedrooms rule, but they often sneak things up there and poke rubbish down crevices. I don't know why. There are perfectly good bins in their rooms.

My eldest son has recently moved out, and whilst I miss him, I'm quite looking forward to deep cleaning the bedroom

There is a massive difference between no rules and ALL the rules.

As a teacher, surely you know that giving a bit of autonomy and agency helps kids to grow up and develop equally important skills like problem solving.

It sounds a bit like you've solved teenagers and can't believe that any of them should be allowed freedom of thought.

Also, jeez, let them have their own space and stop walking into their bedrooms.

Yes the OP. Telling the mums on MN they are doing parenting wrong.