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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

208 replies

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 08:59

I have two teen boys, early and mid teens. I expect them to keep their rooms tidy. This is non-negotiable. They need to be perfectly tidy at least once a week, so the cleaner can clean them. They can take water to their bedrooms but all other drink and food has to be eaten downstairs.

They have become pretty good at it and only need the odd nudge now, Also bedrooms are not ‘private space’. Unless the door is closed, in which case I will knock, we all go in one another’s rooms.

They can express their creativity (although don’t seem that bothered) by putting up posters or painting the walls (well, not personally, without help).

I think all the above is good role modelling and prepares them well for adult life, where spills, damage and rotting food have real consequences in terms of damaging a house and financial cost.

The reason I ask is the amount of threads where teenage rooms are vile with spills, rotting food and, less importantly, old and smelly clothes thrown anywhere and everywhere. And so many posters say that you have to respect their ‘private’ space and that they are teens and can’t help it (often, ridiculously, due to ‘lack of brain development.)

I wanted to do an AIBU to see if I was in the silent majority or if most people do see teen’s rooms as theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish.

OP posts:
FinallyYouSaid · 03/09/2024 17:45

Can't understand the hate op is getting at all. Op yanbu. I agree with most of your posts.

Especially agree with this You know, it takes ages to really have a messy room! It is a bit like weeding, weeds don’t grow suddenly. If you tidy weekly, it takes 5-10 minutes tops, and I always help them if they are not sure of what to do

We don't allow any food in the dc's rooms. We didn't used to have this rule and I was sick of finding half the contents of our kitchen cupboards up there plus mould food. We stopped it, it's so much better.

I make my teenagers tidy/clean their room daily never mind weekly 😱

They have a list of things they have to do before they go to sleep every night:
*All clothes away - clean in wardrobe, dirty in wash basket.

  • Rubbish - any rubbish in the bin
  • Glasses - any uses glasses in the sink
  • Floor - floor is cleared and hoovered if necessary.

It takes them LESS than five minutes a day - because they do it every single day. Room always looks tidy as a result, they have a pleasant space. Far better imo than abandoning them to fester in messy, mouldy dens all full of clothes and rubbish and crockery.

Discombobble · 03/09/2024 17:38

Well you can always hope!

ghostyslovesheets · 03/09/2024 17:36

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 16:42

@Allfur ,

‘Teen bedrooms are akin to the upside down in 'Stranger things', they're not a place i care to venture into often. Their space, their rules, they need to learn how to manage their own environment.’

Do you apply the same principle to other areas of their lives like homework, times to come home, their phone uses? Because you could. Why don’t they just need to learn to manage those?

And what if the consequence of the messy room is losing school books, chargers etc. Who replaces them?

I am a firm believer in giving teens age appropriate autonomy in line with the responsibility they are prepared to take for it. But this means building up slowly and scaffolding.

I've always had a much more hands off approach to my teens - I never helicoptered over their homework etc

A very simple discussion about choice and consequence seemed to do the trick.

They had varying degrees of messy - but then if they had friends round they cleaned like maniacs. When the older two went to Uni and had to live with other, seriously messy people, they upped their game and are very tidy at home now when they are back. Youngest is a neat freak, 15 and her room is always clean - her choice.

They had to learn to do their washing and make food as if mum was at work till late they had 2 choices - do it or go hungry/have no pants!

The consequences were their own - as was the impact.

If they broke their things they paid for replacements - from their jobs!

They don't need micromanaging - they need to be allowed to understand the consequence as they impact them - such as buggering up one a level and having to postpone uni for a year. That's kind of how you form autonomous, self sufficient adults

Zizanna · 03/09/2024 17:35

I unsuccessfully tried to enforce this with my DS1 who is now 22 and no longer live at home. I regret how much we argued about it. I now live in a tidy house, but miss DS’s mess…..

AuntyMabelandPippin · 03/09/2024 17:35

I expected my DS rooms to be tidy so I could clean them. I expected clothes in the washing basket, and didn't allow food in their rooms. If they weren't, they had to clean the room themselves, to my standards.

When they went to university the state of their rooms showed that they'd not taken any of that onboard and they were messy sods.

They've grown out of it now, and do keep their places tidy.

Hoppingblackbird · 03/09/2024 17:32

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 17:24

@Hoppingblackbird ,

‘If anything op’s kids are lazy as shit, if they need a cleaner to clean their rooms for them’.

Attacking people’s children on here is particularly crass. It says more about you than them. Are you really saying everyone who has a cleaner is ‘lazy as shit’?!

Absolutely not. But you seem to pride yourself on how you are being a great parent because you teach them to have tidy rooms. When in reality you don’t teach them to take good care of their rooms themselves. It’s an important skill to have, so I don’t think you should pat yourself on your shoulder too hard. That is what I am saying.

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 17:32

@NyeRobey ,

‘The reason I give some autonomy to my teens in their rooms is because I believe in intrinsic motivation. I believe my messy son will learn in his own time that if he leaves his homework on the floor and chucks some boxers over it when he takes them off, he won't find his homework on the day it's due and will get a detention. Or if he leaves his favourite t shirt scrunched up in the corner instead of putting it in the laundry, he will not be able to wear it to that gig. He will learn that systems work and will internalise that learning and carry it forward to uni and beyond.’

A detention is just extrinsic motivation that you have delegated!

I get your argument but I doubt you would be happy if schools left them to lose stuff, not complete homework, be on their phones all day etc and, when they failed their exams, said that was a natural consequence and would teach them better habits going forward.

I do think some people want it both ways. They say that teens lack executive control so need to be excused bad habits, but don’t think that means adults have to support them in gaining better habits.

It seems to be maximum autonomy and minimum responsibility which, to me, is not a good combination.

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 17:24

@Hoppingblackbird ,

‘If anything op’s kids are lazy as shit, if they need a cleaner to clean their rooms for them’.

Attacking people’s children on here is particularly crass. It says more about you than them. Are you really saying everyone who has a cleaner is ‘lazy as shit’?!

OP posts:
NewName24 · 03/09/2024 17:23

100% what @NyeRobey said.

This is a really bizarre thing to say.

If you want to bring up a selfish misogynist, make sure that they have absolute privacy and autonomy as a teen. Their future wives will have a lovely time picking up after them as they just throw their clothes on the floor.

Firstly, no-one on this thread has suggested any teens have "absolute privacy and autonomy as a teen" You are just making that up.

Secondly, as someone with dc now in their 20s, I can assure you that having a bedroom that is the pit of despair as a 13 / 14 / 15 year old does NOT mean their bedroom - or indeed house - will be like that as an adult.

As @NyeRobey has explained so very well in their post, people respond so much better to being given some autonomy to learn to make their own decisions - including mistakes - and learning from them. I would be very disappointed in myself if I hadn't given my dc the ability to think for themselves and make their own decisions in life.

MissPeaches · 03/09/2024 17:17

Beezknees · 03/09/2024 09:22

I expect mine to keep his room tidy too. However I'm happy with his bedroom being his private space, I would not want him coming into my bedroom unannounced and so I do the same with him.

Me too, exactly this. I don’t expect perfection but it needs to be reasonably tidy before the cleaner comes weekly and in the meantime dirty clothes need to go in the hamper etc. No food allowed in bedrooms. But I absolutely do respect my teens’ privacy, at least to a point. If they’re not home I will go into their rooms freely if I have a reason to BUT they don’t want their siblings in their rooms and we absolutely enforce that.

Hoppingblackbird · 03/09/2024 17:07

YellowphantGrey · 03/09/2024 17:04

They've learnt they need to do the bare minimum then pay a woman to do the rest.

And to feel good about having tidied up for the cleaner, as if it’s an accomplishment. Wrong signals.

YellowphantGrey · 03/09/2024 17:04

Hoppingblackbird · 03/09/2024 17:01

Exactly the same here. My ds vacuums his room when needed etc. He doesn’t need to be told to do it. They’ve helped clean their rooms since they were one-year old.

If anything op’s kids are lazy as shit, if they need a cleaner to clean their rooms for them. Now that is pretty bad parenting. If they don’t learn to do it now, when will they.

They've learnt they need to do the bare minimum then pay a woman to do the rest.

Hoppingblackbird · 03/09/2024 17:03

NyeRobey · 03/09/2024 16:55

The reason I give some autonomy to my teens in their rooms is because I believe in intrinsic motivation. I believe my messy son will learn in his own time that if he leaves his homework on the floor and chucks some boxers over it when he takes them off, he won't find his homework on the day it's due and will get a detention. Or if he leaves his favourite t shirt scrunched up in the corner instead of putting it in the laundry, he will not be able to wear it to that gig. He will learn that systems work and will internalise that learning and carry it forward to uni and beyond.

On the other hand, if I impose that he MUST keep the space regimented and tidy and MUST clean on Tuesday evening and MUST NOT take a plate into his room, because that is my will, regardless of his opinion on how he wants to live, I suspect that when he gets away to live independently he will probably rebel and do nothing at all. He may gorge himself on the forbidden fruits of messiness, cups and plates galore, just because he can. Because he has never really learned why. This isn't the end of the world but it means that he is tipped into a world where he is messy with zero restrictions or guidance, whereas MY messy teens do have some guidance (eg empty the bin each week, bring your plates down).

The alternative scenario is that he will expect absolute tidiness and be completely intolerant of disorganisation, which will be problematic in most student houses and lead to conflict.

I just believe that intrinsic motivation is more powerful than extrinsic.

Very well written. It’s so important.

Hoppingblackbird · 03/09/2024 17:01

YellowphantGrey · 03/09/2024 16:48

Is that how your Mom raised you?

Having teens tidy up isn't the flex you think it is. Millions of women do this with their children as soon as children start walking. Only a man could be proud he has tidied up for a woman to clean.

My DS cleans and tidies and is allowed to shut his bedroom door and drink or eat in his bedroom if he wishes. He knows to live in a comfy and smooth running house, we all need to pull our weight.

He can and does cook, do the washing, hang the washing, vac, polish, can iron, can do an online shop, empties bins etc.

He isn't told to do this, he sees what needs doing and does it, the same as I do and the same as my husband.

Exactly the same here. My ds vacuums his room when needed etc. He doesn’t need to be told to do it. They’ve helped clean their rooms since they were one-year old.

If anything op’s kids are lazy as shit, if they need a cleaner to clean their rooms for them. Now that is pretty bad parenting. If they don’t learn to do it now, when will they.

six666 · 03/09/2024 17:00

NyeRobey · 03/09/2024 16:55

The reason I give some autonomy to my teens in their rooms is because I believe in intrinsic motivation. I believe my messy son will learn in his own time that if he leaves his homework on the floor and chucks some boxers over it when he takes them off, he won't find his homework on the day it's due and will get a detention. Or if he leaves his favourite t shirt scrunched up in the corner instead of putting it in the laundry, he will not be able to wear it to that gig. He will learn that systems work and will internalise that learning and carry it forward to uni and beyond.

On the other hand, if I impose that he MUST keep the space regimented and tidy and MUST clean on Tuesday evening and MUST NOT take a plate into his room, because that is my will, regardless of his opinion on how he wants to live, I suspect that when he gets away to live independently he will probably rebel and do nothing at all. He may gorge himself on the forbidden fruits of messiness, cups and plates galore, just because he can. Because he has never really learned why. This isn't the end of the world but it means that he is tipped into a world where he is messy with zero restrictions or guidance, whereas MY messy teens do have some guidance (eg empty the bin each week, bring your plates down).

The alternative scenario is that he will expect absolute tidiness and be completely intolerant of disorganisation, which will be problematic in most student houses and lead to conflict.

I just believe that intrinsic motivation is more powerful than extrinsic.

Exactly this!

KnickerlessParsons · 03/09/2024 16:58

AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms?

Yes

ATenShun · 03/09/2024 16:56

Hameth · 03/09/2024 16:51

Look, some people might say that teenagers need a safe space to call their own. Some rooms sparkle like a unicorn stables, others are a pit of hell. With two sporty boys, ours was chaos, smelly and the floor was a horizontal wardrobe. This was despite sanctions, "shame" pictures the lot. Yours sound way better but you are sending a message their room is not really theirs .I'd be concerned about that. I kind always found consolation that at least this bit of teenage kickback was soimething I could actually see. Believe me, the stuff you cannot see is what you really need to worry about...

Believe me, the stuff you cannot see is what you really need to worry about...

I suspect this is likely what will happen. There will be a knock at the door from the Police after one of them has done something seriously wrong. Like you say, far better a messy room their act of rebellion than outdoors doing all sorts.

NyeRobey · 03/09/2024 16:55

The reason I give some autonomy to my teens in their rooms is because I believe in intrinsic motivation. I believe my messy son will learn in his own time that if he leaves his homework on the floor and chucks some boxers over it when he takes them off, he won't find his homework on the day it's due and will get a detention. Or if he leaves his favourite t shirt scrunched up in the corner instead of putting it in the laundry, he will not be able to wear it to that gig. He will learn that systems work and will internalise that learning and carry it forward to uni and beyond.

On the other hand, if I impose that he MUST keep the space regimented and tidy and MUST clean on Tuesday evening and MUST NOT take a plate into his room, because that is my will, regardless of his opinion on how he wants to live, I suspect that when he gets away to live independently he will probably rebel and do nothing at all. He may gorge himself on the forbidden fruits of messiness, cups and plates galore, just because he can. Because he has never really learned why. This isn't the end of the world but it means that he is tipped into a world where he is messy with zero restrictions or guidance, whereas MY messy teens do have some guidance (eg empty the bin each week, bring your plates down).

The alternative scenario is that he will expect absolute tidiness and be completely intolerant of disorganisation, which will be problematic in most student houses and lead to conflict.

I just believe that intrinsic motivation is more powerful than extrinsic.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/09/2024 16:53

I think yabu not to allow them to have their rooms as private space.

Campergirls1 · 03/09/2024 16:52

Oh god if he is in the military.
They often make horrendously bullying fathers.
I have a few friends whose fathers were very senior officers, Colonel/Major etc.
They thought their rules extended to their homes.
Their children couldn't leave quick enough.
Not one remained in the UK, they are literally at the other side of the world, despite having lovely mums.

YellowphantGrey · 03/09/2024 16:51

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 16:42

@Allfur ,

‘Teen bedrooms are akin to the upside down in 'Stranger things', they're not a place i care to venture into often. Their space, their rules, they need to learn how to manage their own environment.’

Do you apply the same principle to other areas of their lives like homework, times to come home, their phone uses? Because you could. Why don’t they just need to learn to manage those?

And what if the consequence of the messy room is losing school books, chargers etc. Who replaces them?

I am a firm believer in giving teens age appropriate autonomy in line with the responsibility they are prepared to take for it. But this means building up slowly and scaffolding.

And there you go again, mansplaining.

It's like you have to come on and impart your wisdom as though all women are parenting wrong because it's not being done your way.

Teen rooms getting messy isn't the failure you think it is.

Hameth · 03/09/2024 16:51

Look, some people might say that teenagers need a safe space to call their own. Some rooms sparkle like a unicorn stables, others are a pit of hell. With two sporty boys, ours was chaos, smelly and the floor was a horizontal wardrobe. This was despite sanctions, "shame" pictures the lot. Yours sound way better but you are sending a message their room is not really theirs .I'd be concerned about that. I kind always found consolation that at least this bit of teenage kickback was soimething I could actually see. Believe me, the stuff you cannot see is what you really need to worry about...

YellowphantGrey · 03/09/2024 16:48

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 16:34

@YellowphantGrey ,

‘Probably means his wife, his children are only trained to tidy 😂’

So hilarious, love the emoji. Are you sure you aren’t on your mum’s account.

If you want to bring up a selfish misogynist, make sure that they have absolute privacy and autonomy as a teen. Their future wives will have a lovely time picking up after them as they just throw their clothes on the floor.

Is that how your Mom raised you?

Having teens tidy up isn't the flex you think it is. Millions of women do this with their children as soon as children start walking. Only a man could be proud he has tidied up for a woman to clean.

My DS cleans and tidies and is allowed to shut his bedroom door and drink or eat in his bedroom if he wishes. He knows to live in a comfy and smooth running house, we all need to pull our weight.

He can and does cook, do the washing, hang the washing, vac, polish, can iron, can do an online shop, empties bins etc.

He isn't told to do this, he sees what needs doing and does it, the same as I do and the same as my husband.

Allfur · 03/09/2024 16:47

Newbutoldfather · 03/09/2024 16:42

@Allfur ,

‘Teen bedrooms are akin to the upside down in 'Stranger things', they're not a place i care to venture into often. Their space, their rules, they need to learn how to manage their own environment.’

Do you apply the same principle to other areas of their lives like homework, times to come home, their phone uses? Because you could. Why don’t they just need to learn to manage those?

And what if the consequence of the messy room is losing school books, chargers etc. Who replaces them?

I am a firm believer in giving teens age appropriate autonomy in line with the responsibility they are prepared to take for it. But this means building up slowly and scaffolding.

My approach seems to be working because homework always gets done, coming home times are easily and happily negotiated, and abided by, and stuff rarely gets lost.

ATenShun · 03/09/2024 16:43

I notice the OP is extremely reluctant to say if he is ex military or not.

What would the mid teen boys responsibility be for having autonomy over his own personal space?