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Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:
OneTC · 03/09/2024 18:59

I'd go there on holiday and then probably never speak to them again

InterIgnis · 03/09/2024 18:54

I wouldn’t crash the wedding, not unless you want to be escorted out - which can and does happen.

BooBooDoodle · 03/09/2024 18:48

I would be raging. Go on holiday if you can’t get the money back and have a lovely time, don’t go to the wedding. Ridiculous ask of you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/09/2024 18:46

Okay they can't stop you from bringing your children to the hotel. You can have someone babysit them in the room. They have no control over that. That way they can have a child free wedding and you know your children will be safe. Hotels usually provide list of babysitters that have been approved.

GRex · 03/09/2024 18:38

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.
This one still has me floored. What's next, will they visit your home but you'll have to send the kids away for a few days to not intrude on them? It's your own bloody hotel room! Baffling.

MairifaeInsch · 03/09/2024 18:28

You cannot leave your kids with someone you don’t know and have never met. Hope you can make a holiday out if it and pass on the wedding.

gardenflowergirl · 03/09/2024 18:23

I assume you're staying near the wedding venue and not in the city, so I'd keep your plans and take it in turns to be at the wedding celebrations, relieved each other every hour.

Jack80 · 03/09/2024 18:23

Can you just go there for a holiday, one of you see them get married then carry on with your holiday and see them later after the wedding or the next day.

HelenaTranscart · 03/09/2024 18:14

Nope wouldn't go, and wouldn't be forced into leaving my kids with a stranger 2 hours away in a foreign country. It's unreasonable and you shouldn't feel pressured into attending. It's a pity you've been put in this position

KittyBeebee · 03/09/2024 18:06

I'd be mad because he should have warned you that the children wouldn't be allowed. I'd still go, have the holiday, but go alone to the ceremony whilst DH looked after the children.

MustWeDoThis · 03/09/2024 17:50

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:58

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

I will take a few days to calm down and chat with him again. I agree that the best option is to have the children at the hotel the weddings at with my partner staying up in the room with them. If that’s not an option, I think we will probably have to decline the invite all together and get whatever money back we can.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

Take a holiday there and just don't turn up for the wedding. Don't let them ruin what might be a nice holiday for you all, especially if you cannot get all of your money back.

coolmum123 · 03/09/2024 17:49

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 17:23

We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore

Looking on the bright side, at least there's no question of the money being wasted if you always intended a longer holiday; it's really just a question now of whether you take the time out of it to attend the wedding

It does sound a bit as if you just assumed the DCs would be invited and that can be a risky thing to do with weddings, but here's hoping you have a brilliant time wherever-it-is whether you go to the actual wedding or not

To be honest if it was my sibling getting married I would expect that my kids would be invited. If it was a cousin or similar I would have asked if kids were invited before I booked. I would be livid if my sibling said my kids couldn't attend.

coolmum123 · 03/09/2024 17:45

babyproblems · 02/09/2024 17:15

I’d either cancel the whole trip, or I’d go and turn up with my kids and ‘forget’ you were told. Poor from them!!!

I was going to say this. I would "forget" that they weren't to come to the wedding venue and just take them there and your DP can look after them. Or I would go by myself and turn up for the wedding not bother to stay for the reception, head back and start your holiday earlier.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/09/2024 16:53

DappledThings · 03/09/2024 06:20

No, it's not new information. But it's quite clear. Whether or not the hotel is actually childfree and whether or not they have a babysitting service the couple (clearly the B&G are the "they" in that sentence) have said they don't want children anywhere near the wedding. So even if OP is happy to leave her children with a stranger and the hotel allow it it's still against the couple's wishes. So still makes the entire experience horrible for everyone.

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Whilst the B&G can want, and prefer, whatever they like... if what they want or prefer is wildly unreasonable and not within their control... tough shit!

They could 'not want' it to rain, or for 10'000 doves to form the words I LOVE YOU in they sky, or for there to be no children in a 100 mile radius...

That doesn't mean thats reasonable or that they could make those things happen.

CarmelaBrunella · 03/09/2024 16:49

Well, most people would not go to the other side of the world and leave their child with strangers.

Marylou62 · 03/09/2024 13:32

SerafinasGoose · 02/09/2024 22:09

No parent worthy of the name leaves their child in the care of complete strangers for an entire day. Of course, adopting a laissez faire attitude to the safety of someone else's children is easy when it's merely someone else's children.

Of course there will be protestations of 'their wedding, their choice'. But the bride and groom don't get to choose whether would-be guests do or don't accept the terms on which they issue their invitation.Guests can also exercise the choice of whether to prioritise their children's safety and wellbeing or superficial appearances at someone else's wedding.

I know what I would choose. Every time.

Said with great respect but this is simply not true.

I'm a fully qualified and very experienced nanny/childminder of nearly 40 years and I have looked after many children that I've only just met..many for all day, some over night too.

All ages from almost newborn to early teens.

Some have been emergencies but many have been booked because the parents wanted childcare for whatever reason...

You won't get nannies saying that parents are not worthy if they choose to do this.

It's a lot more common than you think.

ABirdsEyeView · 03/09/2024 11:47

@Jumpingthruhoops yes he is, but presumably the op would only go to the wedding if she was genuinely wanting to wish her brother well and to have a good time. Insisting on taking the children against his wishes, to make a point, will not result in either of those things, so why put herself through it. It won't make this situation any better.

In the future, if her brother has kids, he might come to see that what he's expecting is completely unreasonable and things can be patched up. That's less likely imo if OP takes a 'fuck you, I'll do what I want' approach,

Foxlovesfruit · 03/09/2024 11:44

UnctuousUnicorns · 02/09/2024 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday. That's what I'd be doing. 🤷‍♀️

Agree with this completely!!

GRex · 03/09/2024 11:28

What a very selfish couple. They've shown you their level of consideration, so you can return in kind.

I would have just the sibling (you?) go to the wedding, duck off around 9pm to get back to the city and enjoy your holiday as a family.

Jumpingthruhoops · 03/09/2024 11:28

ABirdsEyeView · 03/09/2024 10:20

Don't crash the wedding with the kids. What would be the point? You'll just destroy any relationship you have left with your brother. Better to talk to him about this and if he won't budge then decline the invitation.
You can be as honest/blunt with him as you see fit - you don't need to pussyfoot around how unreasonable he's being. But don't be underhand - it's still his wedding and people never forget when guests deliberately undermine.

Isn't he 'destroying it' already?

Jumpingthruhoops · 03/09/2024 11:26

DappledThings · 03/09/2024 06:20

No, it's not new information. But it's quite clear. Whether or not the hotel is actually childfree and whether or not they have a babysitting service the couple (clearly the B&G are the "they" in that sentence) have said they don't want children anywhere near the wedding. So even if OP is happy to leave her children with a stranger and the hotel allow it it's still against the couple's wishes. So still makes the entire experience horrible for everyone.

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If their niece/nephew just being at the hotel makes it a 'horrible experience' for the 'zillas, then that would be the last event of theirs I ever go to. Would likely sour the relationship completely.

Conniebygaslight · 03/09/2024 11:18

Thisismetooaswell · 03/09/2024 09:27

They wouldn't. It is 'disinclination to travel' which isn't covered

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Brother should reimburse her tbh.

Conniebygaslight · 03/09/2024 11:17

TheUsualChaos · 03/09/2024 09:56

This 100%! People are far too polite with this sort of bullshit. This is why these self absorbed people don't realise they are the ones being the dicks as no one tells them!

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I agree with OP not going but she'd probably lose a fortune if cancelled, she's been put in a ridiculous position.

Conniebygaslight · 03/09/2024 11:14

SinnerBoy · 03/09/2024 11:03

UnctuousUnicorns · Yesterday 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday.

Yes, I agree that this is the best advice. He's fucked you over, so don't feel bad when he moans that you didn't go to his wedding.

Thing is though, I'm sure OP wouldn't have chosen to go to the other side of the world with very young DC for a holiday. Long-haul is no fun with toddlers.
Her brother has behaved appallingly.

SinnerBoy · 03/09/2024 11:03

UnctuousUnicorns · Yesterday 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday.

Yes, I agree that this is the best advice. He's fucked you over, so don't feel bad when he moans that you didn't go to his wedding.

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