Furious about family wedding abroad

I used unknown babysitters for long evening events when mine were younger via the sitters website, where they are all DBS checked and qualified. I was probably up to about an hour away but I have friends who used them at short notice to get to work events where they were going to be well over an hour away. I think on one occasion I was about 3 hours away, work finished about midnight and I drove back so I would be there before my child woke up but the sitter stayed anyway.

I also organized a childminder to be on site during my own wedding before I even had children so that people could leave their children and enjoy the day.

@RampantIvy I've only ever been to child free weddings and they're ideal. Nobody wants a baby crying during the vows

No, kids don't ruin a wedding unless they are spectacularly badly behaved. You must know some people who have no idea how to parent their children.

And a wedding isn't just for the bride and groom, it is for the guests as well.

We had 2 teenagers and 6 young children at our wedding, one who was nearly two years old, and they were all well behaved because they were parented properly.

They were all family children, and if we had said no children the parents wouldn't have been able to attend either.

I've never heard of anyone doing this. I suspect you've got mixed up with leaving kids in daycare or with a family member / existing nanny. 2 hours for a toddler with a stranger for a whole day and overnight is crazy, because they would be utterly traumatised thinking they had been abandoned.

@RampantIvy who would want kids at a wedding? Genuinely? All they do is ruin it. It's their day. They're the ones paying. They make the decisions.

But it had already been discussed with the brother before the OP booked the tickets. He then told her after she had booked them that the children were not welcome.

I don't subscribe to the "our wedding, our rulez" mantra. It is self absorbed and narcissistic.

A wedding is a celebration of marriage and a party where the bride and groom are hosts. To totally disregard your guests because it is "my way or the highway" is rather selfish. For example, we had an afternoon wedding to allow guests time to travel (to my home town, not a destination wedding, just very scattered family on both sides).

A wedding isn't just the bride and groom's day it is a day for the guests as well.

As evident from this thread, it isn’t ‘some’ that think this is abnormal, the vast majority of posters, and their many circles, would not consider this set up to be acceptable. You might be the only one on here saying that it happens. (Curious to know what kind of trips these are, and why bother taking toddlers on holiday only to leave them somewhere.)

The balance of probabilities therefore is that the brother is being thoughtless rather than having a social circle where it is acceptable.

His wedding his rules. He doesn't have to pander to your children. You booking before you had the invite is your own problem.

What are other relatives dong OP? The ones who also have children and are also going to the wedding?

You must realise that it is very unusual for parents of very young children to be relaxed about leaving their children with a total stranger and be 2 hours away, especially if it is overnight.

This was going to be my question - I mean we are all aware that sometimes parents make terrible decisions (McCann case probably being the most famous) but I’m surprised that it’s common particularly for young kids - wouldn’t you leave them at home with trusted grandparents/regular nanny if you really didn’t want them on holiday with you?
I wonder what circle it’s so common in? I’ve lived in the UK and know lots of American parents and it certainly wouldn’t be the norm from my experience! For weddings where people travel it seemed accepted that they would have babies with them even if the wedding was generally child free!

We used hotel babysitting when DS was young to go out for a meal, that makes us pretty relaxed my mumsnet standards.

Zero way I would have left him with a babysitter 2 hours away whilst I attended an all day event. Very few parents would be comfortable with this scenario.

In OPs position I would either go on my own and leave DH to look after the DCs in the city or bring them to the hotel and DH looks after them in the room.

Off topic but at one of my cousin's wedding kids were invited but she spent the run up to it constantly reminding us that we needed to keep an eye on them as she didn't want them embarrassing her in front of her friends. The irony was that all the kids were angels and it was her bridesmaids that had tantrums and stormed out of her wedding!! Lol

Nothing D about him! Cancel it all. Once they have children they will be very sorry I’m sure.

I agree @Codlingmoths (I have family in the antipodes) but I was just a bit 😯 at someone panicking about Australia/NZ being a "foreign country" - yes, but they're not Bolivia or Sudan or Laos, or wherever! They're very safe countries, with English as the national language.

Op, that is a bit absurd on their part. What! ?? Babysitters? Are they fuxkign serious? 😂😅 honestly, can on the wedding and take your children to Disney World!! Guaranteed better time for everyone. What twats. Your brother needs to grow some balls here.

I'd be ok with the hotel, but I wouldn't leave my kids with a stranger 2 hours away. That's actually pretty fked up imo. Even then, who's to say the kids will even be comfortable with a babysitter. And I had a child-free wedding, all the kids stayed close-by (5 min drive).

It’s still massively different from your home country. I’m Aussie and lived in the uk and the us. I wouldn’t go to nz and think it’s fine to be 2 hours away from my kids as it’s only a 4 hour flight to get here and they speak English. I’d think I don’t know anyone nearby, I don’t know the medical system and the emergency services, the transport options and taxi companies. I’ve done leaving toddlers in a hotel room in NY with an agency vetted babysitter I took some research time in finding while I eat dinner maybe a km away.

Some did, yes - night away for two. And yes, some were toddlers.

I’m not being generous, I’m recognising that just because it’s out of the question and abnormal for some doesn’t mean it is for everyone. The world is bigger than any one social circle, and what any one individual is personally familiar with.

What an arse. I would ring on the wedding morning and tell him you ain't coming, or take the kids and say the baby sitter let you down

I’m assuming it’s Australia or New Zealand. Perfectly civilised countries! And English speaking.

I question the age of the children in these instances, were they really as young as 18 months? And you say day trips but did they include overnights?

I think you are being generous to OPs brother, it’s far more likely that he is suggesting this plan out of naivety/ignorance rather than because he genuinely thinks it’s normal.

Perhaps, perhaps not. It’s not like he’s here to ask.

I think in this case you’re confusing ‘he thinks this is a totally acceptable thing to do with your children and will with his own one day’ with ‘it hadn’t occurred to him to give a shit about someone else’s kids, dump them wherethefuckever but don’t bring them to MY wedding’

So? Clearly it isn’t unthinkable to the brother, or to everyone. If it doesn’t work for OP then fine, it doesn’t have to, but that doesn’t mean that no one does it.