Furious about family wedding abroad

And had the sibling who didn't go to the wedding already purchased flights and accommodation before being told their children weren't welcome?

I think most people would judge if they found out that someone let their sister book four plane tickets to Australia (or wherever) before telling her she couldn't even have her kids upstairs in a hotel room.

I'm a firm believer in drawing attention to people's shitty behaviour and letting everyone discuss it out in the open.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

You think it’s an outrageous ask, fair enough. Not sure why he doesn’t want the kids at the hotel so not going to comment on that, but I don’t personally think that suggesting a babysitter in the circumstances is a wild notion. Again, each to their own.

Not sure why he’d be embarrassed when the family find out why OP isn’t there. I’ve been to a childfree wedding where a sibling wouldn’t go without their children and no one was stressing it. It is what it is.

Were the kids named on the invitation?

If not, I wouldn't have spent anything on travel costs before checking.

Spending thousands to go somewhere rural in Australia for an event lasting a few hours would have been a "no" from us anyway. What if it's a wild boozy party? That's not appropriate or safe for kids anyway. (Compared to a hotel or restaurant reception.)

He didn't really invite you, did he?
An invitation including a set of conditions you know will be unacceptable to the other person is just bullshit quite frankly.
Elvis would play Glastonbury before I left my babies under those circumstances, and I imagine that's true if most mothers.
I'd be declining without further explanation or apologies. Might send a card if feeling charitable.

That would be an appropriate response if the OP hadn't already spent thousands of pounds on plane tickets and accommodation, which her brother let her do without bothering to tell her it was a child free wedding.

The appropriate response in this situation is to tear him a new one.

They don't make the decisions about whether the OP and her husband should travel to the other side of the world and then leave their very young children with an unknown babysitter two hours away though.

They can of course make the decisions about what kind of wedding they want to have, within reason. But not, "A child free wedding which my sister attends with or without her husband and without her children, even elsewhere in the hotel."

@Creamandjamorjamandcream I think in this situation I would just say that if your children aren't welcome at the wedding, you're not going. Even expecting all four of you to fly to the other side of the world at your own expense so that you can attend their stupid party and your husband can sit in the dark in a hotel room with your children is outrageous, IMO, let alone refusing the compromise you have suggested because they don't want your children in the hotel at all. Sack the whole thing off. See if you can get your money back if you cancel or exchange it for vouchers so you can go on holiday somewhere of your choosing. Even if you can't cancel or exchange anything I'd rather just have a holiday in that location and sack the wedding off altogether than give in to their narcissistic demands.

They'll be thoroughly embarrassed when the whole family learns why you're not there.

I’m going to assume that the bride is doing most of the wedding planning.

To her and your brother, you’re people who live the other side of the world from them. She’s only met you once, she doesn’t know you at all, her friends and family are all local.

Your brother hasn’t expressed his feelings about his family attendance enough or strongly enough.

You are low on the priority list for the bride. She’s throwing you a bone of names and numbers of random babysitters in this rural location, without thinking or caring too much about what that might mean for you. All of her local friends and family can sort themselves out via their own local networks.

I think you giving him an ultimatum of “kids come too or none of us come” will be the beginning of him feeling hard done by. He’ll take it out on you rather than his fiancée, because you’re far away and he doesn’t have to deal with you every day.

If you want this resolved, you have to frame this purely as a practical problem: you live 8000 miles away from us, we don’t know anyone or anything there, we will be very jet lagged, we don’t know our way around, no reasonable parent of a 4yo and a 1.5yo - children who can’t advocate for themselves, or speak full sentences frankly - would leave these children with strangers in a foreign country to attend an optional thing. This isn’t life-saving surgery, it’s a wedding. Thanks for inviting us two but we have to turn you down.

Keep your pissed-offness out of it. Make it his problem: he didn’t think it through, he’s ridiculous, what else did he think would happen?

What happens after that will be telling. But there it is.

Personally, this is breathtakingly selfish to me. They may as well tell you to your face they’re only inviting you out of duty, that they’re really only interested in their local friends and family.

It's not so much "offering babysitter recommendations" as the fact that the children and the recommended babysitters would be two hours away because the sky would apparently fall in if the groom's DNs are allowed within 150 miles of the wedding venue.

What gets me is the absolutely bizarre way the brother and SIL are trying to control having them at the hotel at all. I mean - what are they going to do - a room search?

I isn't children who ruin weddings. It is crap parents who don't parent their children.

We had LOADS of kids at our wedding, 1/4 of the guests though only 1 baby, and they all made it really fun. We had a play area and loads of time outside, so parents socialised while vaguely watching laughing kids playing. I feel a bit sorry for those who don't see the joy in kids running around, but there we are. I'm definitely not a fan of all the preening, endless photos and raft of speeches in some other people's child-free weddings, we are all different.

Every Asian wedding, I have been to. Including mine! Never ruined by kids.

Genuinely.

It feels different to me if the child is going to be looked after in their own home for some reason (maybe not logical.)

This is an unknown babysitter, in a country/city etc the OP has never been to before, two hours away and possibly overnight.

I think it's not unreasonable for the OP to not be comfortable with this. I think it's very unreasonable for the SIL to assume they must be. The OP isn't saying she wouldn't consider any babysitting at all, just to have the child nearby.

Could you arrange your own babysitter at the hotel. It's up to the Bride & Groom who they have at their wedding but it's not up to them who stays in the hotel. You can make your own arrangements for your children to be cared for at the venue hotel which means you or your your DH can pop in & out to check everything is ok. I can't believe your DB & SIL aren't more understanding & are saying the kids can't even stay in the hotel.

I've seen so many Child free weddings on Mumsnet recently. I'd not heard of them before. IMO weddings are for all ages and children are made bridesmaids / pageboys.
Is my idea just old fashioned? 😅

I agree that you have every right to be furious that you weren't told until after you'd booked everything and I'd also be reluctant to entrust my small children to a complete stranger who is 2 hours away, if you needed to rush back to them in case of emergency.

It would've made sense if your brother had allowed close family members' children at the ceremony and if they were having an evening dinner in the hotel afterwards, then the children would be in bed and you and partner could take it in turns to sit with them, or some hotels might offer childcare.

I agree with what other people are commenting too, about either cancelling altogether, if you can get a refund, or going sightseeing instead.
Hope it all works out for you.
xx

I have nothing against child free weddings but it is insane you weren’t told so you could have made a choice. Cancel if you can.

The vast majority of posters on a thread on mumsnet reflects ‘some’, yes.

What kind of trips? Holidays where the parents wanted/needed to have a night to themselves. One was to a vineyard spa in California as I recall.

Again, maybe, maybe not. You’d have to ask him. I agree that he was thoughtless not to mention it before OP booked the tickets, but I don’t think offering babysitter recommendations was sone outrageous act. Each to their own though.

FWIW I enjoyed that there were children at my wedding.

However I was amongst the first of my friends to get married so there weren’t loads - I think it can get expensive if so, and I understand that.

You have two options as far as I can see it.

1. Cancel and not go at all.
2. Go as planned on the trip. But on the day of the wedding your DH stays with the children and you attend the wedding alone.

(sorry couldn’t get cold around the numbered paragraphs)

I agree with the above - if you still want to go to the place, your DH stays with the kids and has some time just with them, and you go to the wedding. Obviously you wouldn’t leave them with a babysitter you don’t know, two hours from you on the other side of the world. I mean obviously.

What a nasty and bitter thing to do 😂

Go and enjoy your holiday and decline the wedding invite.
Make sure you post a ton of photos all over facebook on the actual day, showing how much fun you are having with your family.

It wouldn't have bothered me, but I'm not precious about things like that. If my little niece had bawled during the ceremony SIL would have taken her out.

I was the first of my friends to get married, and none of them had children.

I did. Loads of my friends had babies and toddlers as I got married later. They were so fun! No problems at all.

I've been to probably 50/50 split of child vs child free weddings and I prefer the with child ones. Maybe because the whole day has then tended to be more laid back.

No, kids don't ruin a wedding unless they are spectacularly badly behaved. You must know some people who have no idea how to parent their children.
Quite. We had children at ours. They didn't ruin anything. One of them (1 year old) shouted out just as they did the "anyone knows any cause or impediment" bit. That was perfect timing! Another (4 years old) danced in the aisle just as we came back up. He was removed just before we got to him, it was really sweet.

Crying during the vows? If that had happened all the people I knew would have taken the child out. And a bit of crying before they.managed to is just life. Doesn't ruin anything unless you want your wedding to be a perfect, instagram moment and nothing else. I wanted mine to be part of my real life.