Furious about family wedding abroad

I wouldn’t go. There is no way I’d have a stranger babysitting my children and there is no way that they would be banned from the hotel. He doesn’t own the hotel, he can’t tell you not to bring children there. I’d say sorry we can’t make it work and get some of your money back.

Do they have kids themselves yet? Wait until they do, and penny drops about how selfishly they have behaved. They will be mortified.

I've been to loads of weddings with kids, and had several at my own and it really is NOT that big of a deal.

OP I would be livid. Really hope you can recoup the money you've spent. Ring airline directly, you might be able to change flights to a new destination. Or if other family members haven't booked yet, you might be able to do a name change and give them your tickets/have them pay you if refund doesn't work out.

Good luck

Ha ha ha I LOVE being petty when people are cunts! 😇

He probably already does, hence the ban! 😂

Not a cat in hells chance I'd leave my kids over 2 hours away in any country with someone I didn't know. Where would you leave them? In this babysitters house? Pay for a hotel? WTF. What a pair of dicks.
I'd not go unless HE suggests the children attend with a baby sitter on site for later that day. And even then I'd still be furious.
If he didn't, and you can't recoup, then make it clear you'll be in the country holidaying but not attending.
Curious to how you play this one out. ..

I’d have to agree with previous posters who’ve said just treat it as a holiday or maybe if you *really want to go alone to the wedding and leave the children with DP. I can certainly understand the desire for child-free weddings but that’s no excuse for not making it clear far further in advance.

He needs to be reminded that a wedding is one day. Yes for them the prep is more intense but that’s it really. He has no say over the rest of the time. I’m assuming the wedding is at the hotel and that hopefully it’s not exclusive use so that if DH is with the kids he can still enjoy the facilities with them. Otherwise, even that compromise sounds harsh and by the end of it if I was DH I would be climbing the walls

YANBU to be angry about this.

I think I would choose the option to both 1) treat it as a family holiday and 2) leave DP to watch the kids while you attend the wedding alone.

They have made a mistake here. But if they really are a close and dear relative, it doesn’t need to be a mistake that costs the future of your relationship. If the destination really is a lovely one, and if money is already spent and cannot be refunded, just enjoy it. Have one day be a wedding activity for you alone while DP and kiddos enjoy stress-free hotel fun.

(I would feel sore, I’m sure. But it’ll pass and hopefully you and your little family can have a beautiful time.)

Cancel the lot OR if you’d lose almost all the money I’d still go and have a holiday but dint go to the wedding. I’d also never forgive him they are his niece/nephews I can’t believe he doesn’t want them there that’s really sad 😢 my DB had my little boys as the only kids at his wedding and they were ring bearers/pageboys because he loves them and they love their uncle.

The children will be suffering from jet-lag (and not know what it is), will be in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people speaking with an unfamiliar accent two hours (so 4 hours travel away) from the wedding. They’re going to be very unsettled, if not upset.

@Bayern a paedo will abuse wherever they get opportunity. And I think there are far more about than we like to think. So imho parents should be a lot more careful generally. But a stranger is a completely unknown quantity - at least with people the parents know, they can make some risk assessments.

I personally wouldn’t leave my kids with someone they had never met before - and most people I know wouldn’t. why not take a few a half hours before hand to make your child feel comfortable. There’s a reason childminders and creches do settling in period. It can be easy as an adult to think no big deal but to leave an 18 month old with a stranger is scary for them - they are still figuring out the fact object permanence and so separation anxiety is at a peak.

I totally support the OP but I think this is extreme. Many, many people use babysitters and they can be people the child hasn't necessarily met before. The children aren't traumatised after the experience.

It's the other factors here (notably the bizarre hotel demand and the distance) that make the brother and SIL's standpoint unacceptable and unreasonable.

While that’s true, not being abused isn’t the sole factor. I think it would be really traumatising to leave a young child with a random stranger that they haven’t been afforded the opportunity to develop a relationship with and to feel safe and secure. The attitude of as long as you’re not abused all is good is very odd to me - surely that’s a bare minimum one would require?

This is not true. Abuse occurs where there is access. Families/friends have the most access. If we were to look at abuse according to time the abuser has access to their victim then complete strangers are far more dangerous.

Yet most abuse occurs in the family home and/or from known and supposedly trusted family members/friends who just hasn't been caught yet. Statistically, a child is likely to be safer with a complete stranger who has a DBS check than with someone known to them. It doesn't fit with how we like to think, it is uncomfortable to consider, so we tell ourselves that strangers are the problem.

DBS checks only tell you that a person isn't a convicted criminal - they don't guarantee safety. Plenty of paedos and nutters out there, who just haven't been caught. To me, it's massively neglectful to take that chance with a child. While you cannot guard against all risk in life, a responsible parent spends time getting to know babysitters and they get references from lots of other parents.
I get that the brother may not be thinking along those lines but he really should have told the OP it was a child free wedding from the get go.

@Vabenejulio The bride is not in charge though! She doesn't get to make all the decisions

Your brother has really pulled the rug out from under your feet here. I would just cancel everything and tell him why. It's disgraceful what they have done and to suggest you leave your DC with some random babysitter in a foreign country. Fuck that. Your brother doesn't give a toss about you or your family.

As if you'd leave your kids with a total stranger, just because they were a 'babysitter!' I wouldn't even do so in my own home with a local so-called 'babysitter' ffs

@Creamandjamorjamandcream They need to be paying whatever money you will lose!

Well no, because none of them know or care about his family.

His actual own family might take a dim view of it though.

I don’t think most people would give it too much thought, and consider it a matter to be between the groom and his sister. I can’t imagine it will impact his social circle or the bride’s family.

No idea tbh.

There is a really important decision every guest makes for themselves, the bride and groom don’t get to make that decision. It’s whether to go or not.