Furious about family wedding abroad

No helpful advice, but I had a similar situation with my brother. Wedding venue wasn't a hotel, so no option for DC to be looked after on-site. DC was 14 months old, hadn't started nursery, was still BF to sleep and had never spent an evening away from me before. My reluctance probably seemed really weird to DB and DSIL (where they live, childcare is routinely needed from a very young age due do crappy maternity leave). I ended up leaving DC with the babysitter for a couple of hours but rushing back as soon as possible and missing most of the do. Was massively stressful and expensive. Don't see what I could have done differently, though - missing a sibling's wedding wasn't an option for me. 😔Good luck, hope you find a better solution than I did!

This!

I'd go on the holiday and probably not go to the wedding. It's very rude and very unreasonable given the cost, the close relationship, the travel distance and no prior warning.

I'd just go with "unfortunately we are unable to attend due to childcare issues"

There's no need for passive aggressive stuff about neglect etc.

But the brother is BU either way. He's entirely unreasonable to expect OP to attend her own brother's wedding thousands of miles away without her DC. So it doesn't really matter when he admitted how much of a dick he was being, he was being a dick from the beginning.

As much as my knee jerk reaction would be to cancel everything, the money is spent now and you don't want to somehow be painted as the bad one here. I think I would probably say that I'd still go and be happy to join in the pre and post wedding celebrations but won't be able to attend the actual wedding due to not wanting to leave my children with strangers away from the hotel site.

That’s insane. I would politely decline and hope to get whatever money I could back from cancelling flights/hotels. I hope that you have good cancellation policies 🤞🏼

I presume they don’t have their own kids. They won’t realise how unreasonable their expectations of you are until they maybe have their own in the future!

I find it completely bizarre that people think OP should have waited for the invitation from her BROTHER before booking. He's hardly a distant relative and he knows she has small children, it was completely on him to let her know that he didn't want kids there.

Those saying she should have waited for the invite, isn't it obvious that DB knew she was coming to the wedding because he'd given her the date, venue etc. So it's entirely down to him that he didn't tell her the wedding was child free at the point he provided details to her.

OP, if I were you I'd establish how much it's going to cost to cancel. And then either cancel or go for the holiday without attending the wedding.

Did you tell him you were booking tickets for the children as well and he said nothing?

In which case, YANBU

Or did you just make an incorrect assumption and discussed flight dates with him in a general sense without mentioning that you were booking 4 tickets in which case the error was yours

In which case YABU.

They knew you had kids? Do they have kids of their own? I sense that when/if they do they’d probably be rightly shocked by anyone else doing something like this…! Fair enough if they’d made that clear at the beginning before you’d booked everything but not after, and leaving the kids with a babysitter in a completely different city, country… YANBU

I am shocked that he allowed you to book this without stating it was "child free". If it was me I wouldn't be going. No way would I would be leaving my young kids with some random they had never met. Hopefully you are early enough to cancel.

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.
End of the penultimate paragraph of the OP

This is what I would do; treat it as a holiday, and go to the wedding yourself as he’s your brother, with your partner looking after the children.

Although I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a separate hotel, but then we’ve never stayed at wedding hotels anyway, we’ve always stayed somewhere else.

This

Some people lose their bloody minds over weddings. It's one day. It's supposed to be about celebrating your marriage, and start of new life as a married couple, with your family and friends - not making those family and friends spend thousands of pounds and jump through dozens of hoops to give you the perfect 'experience' you feel entitled to. And the bride saying she doesn't want babies/children being babysit in the hotel away from proceedings is just cracked. Are they deliberately trying to make life difficult for guests?

If i were your brother i'd be delighted you were happy to go to the trouble and expense of travelling to see me get married, and do everything i could to make it straightforward for you. Bu as others have said, it's a wedding not a summons and i wouldn't blame you for telling them no thanks.

If it's an adults only hotel then no the children wouldn't be allowed to stay in your room. And no amount of you stamping your feet and demanding will change that. You need to check that before you go in all guns blazing at your brother.

Then you need to weigh up everything and make a decision on whether you go or not. It's your brother's wedding they have every right to say no children just like you can say you can't go now. You can't force him to let your children go to his wedding.

There has to be a reason he said they can't stay at the hotel. Find that out first.

If it's Oz/Nz there is probably a nanny agency which could supply an overnight nanny. Goodness knows at what price, but I think it will exist.

But yes - a challenge looking after two children in a hotel room. They'll be out and walking around.

How fun for her.

That's bollocks though. OP could just attend without her partner?

No they don't, nieces and nephews are clearly very different to kids of friends.

Are they going to stand at the door of the hotel like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings shouting ‘You shall not pass!’? Have they hired (and paid) for the entire hotel? If not, they don’t get to tell you not to bring the dc. Fair enough, no children at the ceremony/reception, but otherwise, do your thing!

Would it even be possible for you to find a babysitter in the city they live in to cover you attending the wedding? Presumably you'd need at least an overnight (so 1-2 days) and maybe longer (2-3 days) if you're meant to be there the night before.

Surely it's quite difficult to arrange for this sort of childcare to be provided by a stranger (as opposed to family), let alone in a different country? And where are the kids meant to be looked after? In the babysitter's house? In a hotel room or rented accommodation? Or is your brother planning to let the kids and babysitter stay at his place?

It's not just a question of not wanting to leave the kids with a stranger (though I completely understand this). I just don't think this kind of childcare is readily available. Does he not understand that or has he just given no thought to your situation whatsoever?

It depends. If he told you and the wider family that hurray! They're getting married in x place on x date, and then you went ahead and booked, I think you jumped the gun a bit by booking. If you told him you were planning on booking now, before having the details on the invitation, I think he should have told you.

It depends. If he told you and the wider family that hurray! They're getting married in x place on x date, and then you went ahead and booked, I think you jumped the gun a bit by booking. If you told him you were planning on booking now, before having the details on the invitation, I think he should have told you.

Did he actually say that your children are 'not welcome'. How awful.