Furious about family wedding abroad

This is pretty shocking. Your family member can decide if they want children at their wedding or not. Totally up to them. But...
they should have made it clear from the outset that kids weren't welcome.
Lay it on thick to them that you are out of pocket as a result of their miscommunication

Why did you book before the invite was received? The children are old enough to be left with a babysitter in your hotel.

YADNBU!!! I'd be fuming. I can't believe your DB didn't say early on that it would be a childfree wedding, that's really not on. He would have known that you would be trying to sort travel/accommodation etc in good time.

If you are happy to just make the trip be a family holiday, then go for it (and don't go to wedding, or maybe just you show up for the ceremony part and then leave). If not, hopefully, you can get refunds.

Years back (when my eldest was just 5), my cousin sent me an invite to her wedding. It would have involved trans-Atlantic travel for me (from UK). We're really close, so I would have made the effort to attend, even though at the time I was studying and a single mum. Invitations were sent out: whole family was invited....apart from kids. Fine/each to their own, I just RSVPed and politely declined. I then got a bashing for not going!! I explained that I couldn't have left my child with anyone as ALL the family were all bloody going to the wedding and I wasn't prepared to just piss off abroad and leave him behind with a random, or even a friend. Cousin then had DC of her own a couple of years later, the penny dropped and I got a very sheepish apology from her about it all!!

We attended a child free wedding abroad this year, we took a grandparent who luckily did childcare and made a holiday out of it. But I was really annoyed at their suggestion of leaving our toddler with a complete stranger.

If he doesn’t back down over this i don’t think I could ever forgive him.

What are your parents saying about it? Could they potentially speak some sense into him? I know my family would be absolutely enraged at this sort of stunt.

missed that, sorry.

I would have thought this would be a great time for them to get to know their nephew/niece(s). They aren't going to get many other chances. In future years, once the 4 year old is at school, OP will struggle to get out there as long holidays will need to be arranged around school holidays. I'd suggest OP frames it in this light and tries one more time to explain why the children should come for some or all of it.

The first post confirmed that OP has been told her children are not even welcome to sleep in the same hotel so it's pretty clear it's not just the ceremony

I would check whether it's just the actual ceremony that they don't want children at, or the whole day.

Sometimes people are worried the children will make a noise in the service, but they are fine having them at the reception. (Not my opinion, but I would definitely check whether they are welcome for some of the day).

Unless the wedding involves zero travel at all and you can leave your children at home with friends then yes, a sitter or any paid childcare is going to be a total stranger.

I don't think I said anything about a complete stranger?! I said a sitter or childcare.

I do tend to think that it's no big deal for the kids to be left with a sitter, or childcare

A complete stranger @ethelredonagoodday?

It's not something I would ever have been happy with, and clearly a lot of parents don't feel comfortable with the idea either.

I'm assuming Australia

For what it's worth, we traveled quite a bit when I was a young child in the 1970s (no cell phone, no internet databases to check) and sometimes my parents left us with hotel-recommended sitters, in S. America and elsewhere. For an evening while they dined out and had a few drinks. There was never any problem.

Would it be possible for you and the older child to "get to know" a prospective sitter via Zoom? So that they wouldn't be complete strangers? (the ones recommended by your relatives) That way you both could attend the party?

Not wanting the kids at the hotel where the wedding reception is taking place is just completely bonkers, though. If that is really their stance I'd save the money and cancel. It's a giant faff to attend and really they'll be just as married the next day whether you are there or not. Why put yourselves out when they aren't willing to?

With many of these wedding posts about children not being invited, I do tend to think that it's no big deal for the kids to be left with a sitter, or childcare or whatever, but in another country that seems bonkers!

No parent worthy of the name leaves their child in the care of complete strangers for an entire day. Of course, adopting a laissez faire attitude to the safety of someone else's children is easy when it's merely someone else's children.

Of course there will be protestations of 'their wedding, their choice'. But the bride and groom don't get to choose whether would-be guests do or don't accept the terms on which they issue their invitation.Guests can also exercise the choice of whether to prioritise their children's safety and wellbeing or superficial appearances at someone else's wedding.

I know what I would choose. Every time.

Haven't you done this post before?

It was the brother getting married and people were suggesting only one of you go to the wedding x

You can’t leave the kids with a stranger. Even in the hotel room. I think you need to forget the wedding and try to enjoy the holiday!

Who doesn't invite their own nieces and nephews to their wedding? Dicks, that's who. Don't invite your friends' kids, your second cousins' kids, that's all well and good, but your own nieces and nephews, come on. Especially when you're getting your family to cross half the world for you. I am judging, and I'm not sorry.

I'd either cancel if you can, or go, visit them and decline the wedding day. Just say your really sorry even if your not sorry but it's not possible to attend without the kids.

I would not under any circumstances leave my two young children with complete strangers miles away in a foreign country unknown town to me day and night. What an absolutely bonkers suggestion, and so I take it they dont have kids!

You either go and enjoy the holiday, no wedding. Go enjoy the holiday and go to wedding alone and DH stays with the kids for the day, cancel it all once you have confirmed thats what will happen should they not be flexible.

What a complete arse for you!

I'm not surprised you're upset. Leave your children two hours away with a total stranger? Is your brother out of his mind? Also you're an adult. He doesn't get to dictate to you what you do with your own DC. So you could go to the wedding and you and your DH take turns minding/playing with the kids so they are not in attendance at the wedding. Then have your holiday. Tell your bro you respect his wedding arrangements but as for the rest, you don't need to be told what to do thank you very much.

I wouldn’t be leaving my young children overnight with strangers , so there’s your answer, no wedding , sorry bro , have children and see how you feel !

I'd cancel everything. I would be worried that an idiot that didn't understand or didn't care that I didn't want my kids with a stranger in a different location in a foreign country, would get the family to be nasty to me about if I went alone or whatever.

Agree!

I'd be not speaking to my brother for a very long time after this. Hope he enjoys his soulless wedding day.

I know there’s this whole child free wedding thing on MN but this is something else.

Unusual to not be able to cancel accommodation - flights trickier and likely a credit/change to something else.

I would be massively offended to go and my family be holed up in the room. Shameful behaviour, especially if you don’t see family often due to distance.

I’d be fuming and upset. No way I’d be leaving my kids with a baby sitter that isn’t familiar to them, let alone in a foreign country.

I would drop your brother a message informing him, that due to the constraints of the wedding, regrettably you can’t attend… OR you will be in attendance, but your partner will not due to childcare.

im so sorry your in this situation, i think its really unfair.

i hope you can cancel the holiday/change destination, but if not, go and have the best family time with your little ones.

im guessing your brother and the wife to be don’t have kids yet, im sure in a few years if they do, he will look back and regret his decision and the rift this will cause.

xx