Furious about family wedding abroad

I wouldn’t do this. It will be very hard to keep the kids entertained in the room for that long. My first choice would be to cancel everything if you can get the money back. Second option to take a holiday there and take the kids for a day trip the day of the wedding.

The groom and bride are being outrageously unreasonable to not have stipulated no kids from the start.

When we got married we said no kids otherwise it would have turned into a kids party which we didn't want!

However, that did not apply to our immediate family. Our siblings were allowed to bring theirs and everyone understood. So we had 3 in total

I think it's pretty shitty that your brother can't do the same for you, especially as it's an oversees wedding. I also wouldn't leave mine with random babysitters! He hasn't got a clue....

Honestly if my brother didn’t want my children at the wedding I wouldn’t go. His right to chose the guest list and my right to decline.

This is madness - no one would wait for a formal invitation when they've been speaking to their brother for weeks about travel arrangements etc. The onus is on the B&G to make sure she knew her children weren't welcome from the outset.

Theres no way in hell I'd leave my children with a stranger. It's massively unreasonable of him to think it's no big deal and you'll happily be two hours away from your babies, overnight, and with some total random looking after them. DBS checks etc don't guarantee anything!

Assuming that your brother would welcome you and your children if they'd crossed the globe for your wedding? I think it's fairly understandable to assume that your children would be welcomed.

You assumed and should have checked before you booked anything. It's not your brothers fault

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

That is really out of order. You're travelling a long way. I'd say just tell him this is what you'll be doing - he can't stop you having your children with you in a hotel room you're paying for ...

"the other side of the world" - would not even consider travelling for a wedding especially with 2 small children.

Exactly this. The couple are either ignorant or rude.
I wouldn't bother going to the wedding.

Don’t go to the wedding. Your brothers is a spineless moron. Lines have been drawn and stick to them. With such a long a distance wedding is the perfect excuse to turn down an invitation.

I think you have every right to be upset op. As much as you could ‘just treat it as a holiday’, I’m sure you wouldn’t have chosen to take your very young DC to the other side of the world for a family holiday that you could’ve had much closer to home. What do your parents think….?

Well this is just the daftest comment! If the wedding is say, Australia, did db expect them to leave their kids at home for a few weeks and attend his wedding?!?

it doesn’t matter on the qualifications and dbs status of a potential babysitter any decent parent would not be wanting to leave such young children alone with a complete stranger especially in a location some way away from them and in a foreign country! Do you even have children???

OP I would go as if it’s a holiday and fck the wedding right off

No, it's not new information. But it's quite clear. Whether or not the hotel is actually childfree and whether or not they have a babysitting service the couple (clearly the B&G are the "they" in that sentence) have said they don't want children anywhere near the wedding. So even if OP is happy to leave her children with a stranger and the hotel allow it it's still against the couple's wishes. So still makes the entire experience horrible for everyone.

Where would they get this babysitter? The babysitter would either have to stay and expect a room of their own or be a local if they could get themselves back… this is a lot to organise, and that’s before you consider this ridiculous demand children not even be allowed on the hotel grounds to taint their precious wedding.

If you can't get a refund, then I'd do this. If all your family will be there then even if they can't look after the kids during the wedding day, surely there will be other days and you can have a really nice holiday.

I'd treat it as a holiday , don't go to the wedding but see your brother before / after the day itself just as you would if you were visiting at any other time

Still enjoy the travel and go to the ceremony, taking turns with your spouse.
Take a baby sitter there with you and find somewhere that is fun nearby. You might only get an hour at the wedding together (while babysitter cares for kids) but you will get the vibe and have a wonderful family holiday, as planned.

This is just my opinion but... Most weddings are boring and shit. Kids are usually the ones most enjoying themselves especially at the evening party. If there's no kids then they're usually even more smug, self-indulgent and boring. People who don't want their own family's children at their wedding obviously don't really care about the true social and family purpose of a wedding therefore the whole thing is just a pointless charade.

People who want child-free weddings usually either want this for the best instagram posts or to get blind drunk/behave so inappropriately in the evening that children shouldn't be witnessing it. I'm not interested in being a part of either of these things. I do understand not wanting children screaming/interupting at the actual ceremony. However, if this is really important then the bride/groom could organise childcare for a couple of hours in the same building which would be much more comfortable for young parents.

OP what your brother has done is an utter dick move and I would just not attend. I'd cancel what you can. If you can't cancel the flights could you maybe find something family friendly to do in the area or take another internal flight somewhere else? I honestly would make no further effort to pander to your brother. Prioritise your little family because nobody else is going to.

I'd start off by asking other family members to "have a word" with Bro and try to talk some sense into him. Has he always been thoughtless, or is it coming more from future SIL?

If that doesn't work, I'd send a message explaining that we will not be able to attend the wedding, but will make time for a meal together at the holiday destination after the wedding. I'd be civil but not gushing - he really has behaved badly here.

That's awful. If you can't get the money back I suppose you may as well travel for a holiday but I'd skip the wedding, there's no way I'd leave the children with a stranger on the other side of the world, not for anyone.

@Creamandjamorjamandcream Please, please, please, don't offer for your DH to stay back in the bedroom with the children. If your brother isn't that bothered about you being at the wedding, and he can't be or he wouldn't allow this horrible and very selfish rule - even if it was first thought of by the bride - then why would you attend his wedding at all?

Just because you will be staying at the same hotel as the wedding party, and where the wedding is actually taking place, it does not mean that you have to attend the actual wedding. If your Dear Parents are going to be there, and they are putting pressure on you to attend, please explain to them (again if necessary) why you won't be attending it, and tell them gently that it is your brother they need to have words with if they don't like the situation as it is at the moment. But please stay strong, and don't give in.

If your brother doesn't change his mind, please tell him that you will all still be staying at the hotel,and will be going "no contact" from now, and will stay like that until he profusely apologises for his and his future wife's behaviour over this - you might have to wait until their first child is born to receive your apology.

If after the wedding and the meal - I suppose I am being presumptive here - you want to meet up with members of your family, then go into the bar, have some hopefully free drinks, and a dance if you want to, and stay strong and ignore your brother and his wife if they approach you.

Why do I care? I care because I had a very similar sounding brother who lived overseas for most of his adult life, got married, had children, came back to the UK for 1 to two weeks, almost every year, but he would only spend one night a year visiting my parents - who loved him very much. As my DMum neared her death bed she asked me and my husband whether she had a son, that broke my heart, but I have never told my brother that, just incase it did upset him. He didn't even come home for our Dad's funeral. There were things done by him later, when my parent's house was being sold, that also broke my heart - it was nothing really to do with the actual inheritance, which we split equally as was written in the will.

I know that your brother isn't my brother, but I have hope for you OP that if your actions regarding the wedding work, you will be giving your brother the opportunity to think very hard about his behaviour, and what he actually wants the rest of his life and relationships to be like. I don't even know where abouts in the world my brother lives, or even if he is alive. He will be in his 70's if he is still alive.

We have done a version of this- arrived after 28 hours travel to be told our baby isn’t invited to the wedding reception. Baby was breastfed and wouldn’t take a bottle. In hindsight I wish I’d just have said no, I can’t come, and you can all fuck off. The marriage didn’t last either.

No parent would fly to another country and leave their kids 2 hours away with a stranger. I’d be calling family members saying I’m so upset and it’s costing us so much how could he not have told us till now?! Would you believe he thinks we can just find a babysitter then drive 2 hours away?? We just can’t go , he says they aren’t even allowed at the hotel 😫😫 to get your side in. Everyone will judge him.

OP - if it's NZ, flick me a pm

It isn't standard to wait for an invitation to start booking transport and accomodation for the wedding of an immediate family member who is giving you final details of their wedding plans as they make them. This is OP's sibling, not a family friend's child who they have vaguely heard has set a final date, I would imagine she said to her brother that they were thinking of booking things and he gave the go-ahead without correcting her assumption that her very young children were attending. I don't think I'm an especially anxious person, but there is no way I would be leaving my children alone for 12hrs+ with an unknown babysitter in a different country where I probably don't speak the language or know what childrearing practices are considered so ubiquitous that they wouldn't be mentioned.