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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do?

55 replies

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2024 16:35

Spoke to sil yesterday she brought up dn birthday which is next month she invited dc to the party (soft play) then back to theirs for a get together. All good. Kids are all 4-6 years old and get on well.

That night dh gets a text from one of his oldest friends they are doing a bbq at theirs to introduce their new baby. Same day same time, all dh friendship group are going plus partners. Dh wants to tell sil we can't make it to nephews party as we are already going to bbq.

I want to ask mil if she will take dc to the party while we go bbq. The we all meet back at sils. We would have around 3hours at bbq. Dh is worried we would look rude leaving early and bbq may not have started by that time.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
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Fairysteps11 · 03/09/2024 12:36

Is this their first baby? Has it been born yet? If it 3 weeks after due date, and baby is late, the mum may not even feel upto hosting a bbq. Brand new parents may not quite realise how tiring it is and could cancel/postpone.

I'd go with family and soft play on this occasion and meet baby another time. Also strange that they're having a bbq for a baby but no children are invited!

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 03/09/2024 09:59

LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/09/2024 08:47

Ok it seems I had a different experience to others here raising a 3 week old! I certainly had visitors, but they were bringing me food, not me waiting on them.

Tbh I'm with you. I was a bleeding/ leaking exhausted mess. That was the week dh went back to work and I was definitely not up for entertaining.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/09/2024 08:47

Ok it seems I had a different experience to others here raising a 3 week old! I certainly had visitors, but they were bringing me food, not me waiting on them.

Pandasnacks · 03/09/2024 08:29

@LivingDeadGirlUK that's a really strange assumption. It's inviting people over and doing easy food with minimum mess in the house. Plenty of women arrange BBQs.

Spomb · 03/09/2024 07:33

LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/09/2024 07:29

Can you imagine a situation whete a bbq with a 3 week old isn't a mans idea?

But thats why I asked, we don't have very much info so only the OP will know the answer.

Show quote history

Really? I had a bbq when mine was that age. It was my idea and I had a great time.

I think you should do the first option with the children as you have already said yes. Your husband can go to his friend’s bbq if he wants.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/09/2024 07:29

Pandasnacks · 03/09/2024 06:58

What's wrong with having a BBQ with a baby? Where did OP say it was all a man's idea? She did however say her kids aren't invited to the BBQ

Show quote history

Can you imagine a situation whete a bbq with a 3 week old isn't a mans idea?

But thats why I asked, we don't have very much info so only the OP will know the answer.

DilemmaDelilah · 03/09/2024 07:28

MIL takes kids to soft play. You (either you alone or both of you) leave BBQ in time to get to SILs party. You accepted SILs invitation first but I don't think there is any need for you to go to soft play if MIL is willing and able to supervise your children there.

carrotcard · 03/09/2024 06:59

BunsenBurnerBaby · 02/09/2024 16:38

I would go with kids to the party. DH go to his friends.

This

Pandasnacks · 03/09/2024 06:58

LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/09/2024 05:30

What is the quality of the men in this situation?

We seem to have one with a newborn who thinks hosting a bbq is a good idea and another who is concerned spending 3 hours at a bbq hosted by people with a newborn isn't 'enough time'.

Popping into the bbq with the kids then heading to the party would be my plan.

What's wrong with having a BBQ with a baby? Where did OP say it was all a man's idea? She did however say her kids aren't invited to the BBQ

lifesrichpageant · 03/09/2024 05:55

Personally I would go to the soft play/birthday party, as I think that's the more important event. And if the SIL is your DH's sister then let him sort all of this out, including the awkward phone conversations - step away and let him do this!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/09/2024 05:30

What is the quality of the men in this situation?

We seem to have one with a newborn who thinks hosting a bbq is a good idea and another who is concerned spending 3 hours at a bbq hosted by people with a newborn isn't 'enough time'.

Popping into the bbq with the kids then heading to the party would be my plan.

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 03/09/2024 05:17

Crispsandcola · 03/09/2024 00:17

I'm trying to get my head around hosting a bbq/party when you have a 3 week old! Also very odd to make it an 'adults only' type of thing when the 'main character' is a baby? It sounds like what you really want to do is ask your MIL to babysit the kids (cheaper/more flexible than a sitter) and take them to the DN's party while she's babysitting so that you and your DH can have a sesh with your mates. No judgement, everyone deserves a 'night off' but it's not really fair to split your MIL's attention between your kids and the birthday boy imo. Personally, I would go to the soft play party with my kids and tell my DH to make our excuses. Being a parent is mostly something we choose and sometimes we have to put our children first even if we are missing out on something which looks like fun for us. Truthfully though, if I was your SIL and you cancelled to go to an event with friends that could turn into a proper sesh, I would totally understand - as long as you didn't ask my son's Grandparent to babysit your kids on his birthday.

I agree re 3 week old baby!

They haven't specifically said no kids. But no one else has kids in our group, so we never take the kids to meet ups. It would change the vibe taking a couple of kids along and their house is not set up for kids. (Yet!)

OP posts:
WGACA · 03/09/2024 00:24

Lavender14 · 02/09/2024 22:52

I'd go to my nephews birthday and then arrange to visit friends and their new baby as soon as it suits them separately.

I would opt for this too.

Crispsandcola · 03/09/2024 00:17

I'm trying to get my head around hosting a bbq/party when you have a 3 week old! Also very odd to make it an 'adults only' type of thing when the 'main character' is a baby? It sounds like what you really want to do is ask your MIL to babysit the kids (cheaper/more flexible than a sitter) and take them to the DN's party while she's babysitting so that you and your DH can have a sesh with your mates. No judgement, everyone deserves a 'night off' but it's not really fair to split your MIL's attention between your kids and the birthday boy imo. Personally, I would go to the soft play party with my kids and tell my DH to make our excuses. Being a parent is mostly something we choose and sometimes we have to put our children first even if we are missing out on something which looks like fun for us. Truthfully though, if I was your SIL and you cancelled to go to an event with friends that could turn into a proper sesh, I would totally understand - as long as you didn't ask my son's Grandparent to babysit your kids on his birthday.

greengreyblue · 02/09/2024 22:56

1.First invitation
2 Family first
Compromise- go to soft play as it’s for the chn after all then go to bbq.

Lavender14 · 02/09/2024 22:52

I'd go to my nephews birthday and then arrange to visit friends and their new baby as soon as it suits them separately.

DeCaray · 02/09/2024 22:48

You go to the first invite.

Your husband can pop out for a couple of hours to go to his friends bbq.

CaptainCrocs · 02/09/2024 21:52

I’d say to DFs would love to go but have DNs party starting at X time. Ok with you if we stop by until then to meet the baby. Unless the relationship is poor I wouldn’t put the BBQ in front of family as much as it might appeal as being more fun. There’s bound to be other BBQs.

BlueMum16 · 02/09/2024 21:19

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2024 19:11

We would both prefer to go to the bbq. But either dc miss their cousins party which sucks for them or mil takes them but we would still need to pick them up so would have to leave the bbq to do that. (All this is taking place in a different city to where dh and I live. So I wouldn't ask mil to drop them home)

Show quote history

This is DP problem not yours. Let him decide and sort the mess.

His friends, his family.

MintyNew · 02/09/2024 21:15

MuggleMe · 02/09/2024 20:19

Go to the BBQ for a few hours and leave at 4. It's to meet the baby, you'll have done that.

I would do this too.

circular1985 · 02/09/2024 21:06

I would pop along to bbq and then all leave and take kids to party. You could turn down party, go to bbq and the bbq finishes at 4 anyway. Especially given they have a newborn.

Doingmybest12 · 02/09/2024 20:48

If its his sister's child then he should take your child to the party and give the bbq a miss. You accepted the party invitation first and its his family relationships and child's party.

MuggleMe · 02/09/2024 20:19

Go to the BBQ for a few hours and leave at 4. It's to meet the baby, you'll have done that.

TheyComeInTwos · 02/09/2024 20:18

I'd go to my nephews party.

Pandasnacks · 02/09/2024 19:53

In that case your SILs party is the one to go to, unless you think your MIL really wouldn't mind taking them. It'd be unfair to make the kids miss out and it's cheeky saying you've got a better offer but can someone still take the kids. Obviously you wouldn't word it like that but people aren't stupid.