To ask ds to go out more

This, very unusual, horrid for you

As soon as I read your post I was like 'he's neurodiverse.' You say he isn't, but what makes you so sure?
His behaviour isn't neurotypical. So therefore he is either ND or in need of some serious therapy and help. But my money is on the former!

Doesn't sound like it.

Does he have any household chores? Does he do his own cleaning and laundry?

Sounds like you have two choices he eighter stays in his room, goes out or moves out. Explain what is behaviour doing to your relationship

Have you considered regularly bonking DH on the couch?

I imagine his willingness to interrupt date night/remain living at home might change pretty rapidly 😅

This. You say you're NOT scared of him, OP, but every one of your updates strongly suggests you are

Family meeting needed asap and some ground rules and a deadline to move out. Honestly OP you're not doing him any favors letting him sit in with you and dh every night. He needs to be turfed out of the nest. Life is way too comfy for him. Come on you need to make it uncomfortable for him and he will thank you in future . It's no life for a young chap in his 20s to be hanging out with mum and dad. Sounds like he thinks he's still 9 🤣

I think a lot of posters just haven’t experienced this, and so assume it’s about you being soft or scared of him.

My brother is like this, and he almost certainly is autistic. He’s also living with us at the moment and maybe a bit controversially ‘knowing’ it is autism doesn’t make it any easier to live with. He sits and stares and makes stupid remarks … answers questions clearly meant for someone else.

The problem is of course that people with autism often don’t get hints and I get that, but you make comments all but the thickest skins would pick up on and then yes you can get horribly blunt but it inevitably ruins the ‘nice’ atmosphere (or makes a bad one worse) and spoils things anyway. So it ends up being a lose-lose situation for everyone.

So tell him to stop it! Seriously, OP, are you and your husband scared of him? I really don’t understand what’s going on, here.

I think evenings are the worst, after dh gets home and we put ds9 to bed we just want to sit and relax and spend some time together but he's just there all the time so we can't even have a conversation without his input.

Yes you can.

"John, we just want to sit and relax and spend some time together and a conversation without your input. Please give us some space in the living room for the next two hours. Do not come and disturb us unless a meteor lands in the garden. Bye now."

Then when he comes in (which he inevitably will) you say you're having the living room to yourselves Every Evening until he manages to keep out for two entire hours and you will be practicing for as long as it takes him to get it.

Sounds like he is too comfortable. If he won't take the hint id be trying to make life more uncomfortable at home. Have your own friends over do lots of Hoover g and decluttering or honestly have a frank conversation with him and give him a deadline to move out. Saying this as kindly as possible but don't you want him to have a life. I'm sure you do. My ex moved from his mothers to mine and then back to his mother when we broke up 15 years ago. His mother just died. She had 2 of her sons living with her. My ex who is 60 and his brother who's about 45. Sad really imo.

He may be ND. No one on this thread can possibly know for certain, but some of his traits do seem to align with neurodivergence. However, if he's NT he sounds absolutely insufferable. I can't understand how you've managed to put up with him for so long.

He isn't a moody teen. He's a sarcastic, intrusive 24-year-old man who evidently hasn't matured enough to understand that his presence is not always welcome. Do you at least get a break from him when you go to work? Otherwise it must be so suffocating to feel unable even to have a private conversation. He needs to know that he is surplus to requirements.

I would encourage him to move out ASAP. It sounds like it would be good for him to stand on his own two feet for once.

Could be Autistic with PDA profile. Would explain the need to control.

Looks like you have made a rod for your own back OP.
You have raised a manchild and future cocklodger.

you dont want to ask hhim to leave incase he doesnt talk to you?

what if he never wants to go

OK then, I'll keep that in mind. Looks to me as if the OP hasn't noticed that her DS's attitude is a disfunctional form of masking and that his support needs are higher than she thinks. Though his needs don't include being given way to all the time. That's also disfunctional.

i must admit I thought that poster @Choochoo21 was joking with this as well

This Op! ⬆️ @treadingcarefree

They already have: low/moderate/high support needs. Or low/moderate/high masking.

As for myself I do believe I am probably autistic but I don't have a diagnosis, perhaps why I find ds so overwhelming as I do need time to just recharge

I think anyone would find your adult DS overwhelming, OP.

OP has only described a tiny bit of his behaviour, certainly not enough to give a diagnosis.

I've been diagnosed with autism and so has my Son so I have got some basic knowledge of it.

The word "autism" gets thrown around a lot on here...any unusual behaviour is met with "sounds like autism"...it really is ridiculous, as if NT people aren't capable of 'strange behaviour'.

It's important to make a distinction between people who can mask (at whatever costs to themselves) and who can attain some level of independence and function in society; versus people who can't function independently in society at all, people who can't choose to mask their autism and its effects at all, and who are almost totally dependent on other people to act as carers.

That difference needs a name. High and low functioning expresses that difference. They are not absolute, they are relative terms and as autism is a spectrum condition there are people who function very highly in some ways and extremely poorly in others - but the difference still needs to be named somehow.

The OP's oldest son is at least high enough functioning to hold down a job (and even without special adjustments) at work. Not everyone is. Being "high functioning" does not mean a person doesn't have autism, and it certainly doesn't mean autism has no negative effect on their life, or that it requires no adjustments or support in other areas.

I will continue to use those words until someone comes up with better ones.

• edited to clarify.

Don’t ask him to go out more. Tell him to move out. High time at his age in full time employment. Cut the apron strings.