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AIBU?

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Original poster

No show at party

185 replies

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 10:56

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5156096-non-show-at-party?postsby=Iwishicouldflyhigh

OP posts:
Meowfoy · 02/09/2024 14:25

Meanwhile in normal parenting land... OP you are completely reasonable - it's not the flakiness on the day, it's the complete lack of apology, or just giving an explanation, afterwards. Any human being would know they need to after failing to show when they repeatedly confirmed they would at every stage of planning the damn thing.

I can't believe the excuses people are giving. A text takes 5 seconds, get a fucking grip. This is rude and unkind and cowardly of the no-show mum and you all know it.

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 14:25

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:20

!!!!!!!!

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LET IT GO... LET IT GO

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 14:24

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:08

but I don’t dislike her. She’s not a friend, but I don’t actively dislike her.

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You post suggest you do, attitude and actions speak louder than words and even your words say you 'lack liking of her'.

You comment saying shes an attention seeker show you don't like her.

You acknowledge she is struggling and going through a rough time yet all you can think is to make it even worse for her and put her on blast and you don't care if it upsets her and makes her withdraw more.

Its quite bullying really.

When people pullout/withdraw/isolate from social event its never about the event host its almost always about self care especially if they are going through a major life change. There so much 'talk to me if you are struggling' and 'you are not alone' about depression and mental health but its only ever touted meaninglessly. As soon as your not the perfect social butterfly friend then fuck you your selfish and we're all going to tell you that your as bad as you already feel (even if the social crime committed is as simple as not bouncing on a bouncy castle).

brightdazzling · 02/09/2024 14:22

I'm so surprised by the majority of people saying they would totally ignore this!

I 100% would not send a message 'telling off' the parent as I think that's awkward and not the tone I would want to strike (imagine if you sent something cross and it turned out she'd been in hospital all day). But I would want to check in to see if she is ok. I get some people are just disorganised and thoughtless. But most people do meet their commitments - if I was ever a no show there would absolutely be a reason and I'd be surprised and hurt if people just assumed that I was being selfish and ignored it.

And even if the outcome is that she was just thoughtless/forgot, I still think it's better to mention the behaviour so that she knows it was noticed and did have an impact. It might make her think twice about doing it in future.

I also think I would want to gather a bit more info so I could decide whether to invite her child to future events. If she was mortified and apologised then I would probably give her another chance.

Thudercatsrule · 02/09/2024 14:21

Jeez, give the woman a break, she's obv got bigger things to worry about than a kids party.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:20

AmyDudley · 02/09/2024 14:14

These are the times in life when you need to channel your inner Elsa.

!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Clearwater18 · 02/09/2024 14:19

Sometimes those well meaning parties cause more problems than they are worth.

AmyDudley · 02/09/2024 14:14

These are the times in life when you need to channel your inner Elsa.

Fluufer · 02/09/2024 14:13

You're giving this way too much headspace. Let it go. In fact, you're lucky there was only one no show.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:11

Pyjamatimenow · 02/09/2024 14:07

Past the point? They’re only 9. I’ve done parties at home with bouncy castles and managed far more kids than that. Girls at this age talk a lot about parties amongst themselves. What you’ve done may well get people’s backs up tbh so maybe this is why.

We've been to a party with a terrible accident on a bouncy castle (double broken arms, emergency op). Your decision if you are happy to have more on one, my decision to not based on this. It was a small bouncy and not suitable for more. Plus there were younger siblings.

Our class is just not one where everyone is invited to everything anymore, it's really not. May be yours is, ours isn't.

And the missing girl's best friend was invited (and came) to my DD's party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:08

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 14:06

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, so it wouldn't be a loss to me

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but I don’t dislike her. She’s not a friend, but I don’t actively dislike her.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 02/09/2024 14:07

Past the point? They’re only 9. I’ve done parties at home with bouncy castles and managed far more kids than that. Girls at this age talk a lot about parties amongst themselves. What you’ve done may well get people’s backs up tbh so maybe this is why.

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 14:06

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:49

Totally - it's an invite, that she accepted.

I have not said that i don't like the mum?

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I'm not particularly fond of this mum, so it wouldn't be a loss to me

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:02

MouseMama · 02/09/2024 14:00

With the best will in the world everyone can get overwhelmed and miss something from time to time. I missed a friend’s child’s party a few months ago and felt awful. I was pregnant and juggling quite a lot at work and home and felt like I was completely losing track of lots of things. Really embarrassing but I messaged to apologise and the host was really nice about it. I think just let her crack on with her life, you don’t know what she’s got on her plate.

My point exactly. You apologised after.

OP posts:
MouseMama · 02/09/2024 14:00

With the best will in the world everyone can get overwhelmed and miss something from time to time. I missed a friend’s child’s party a few months ago and felt awful. I was pregnant and juggling quite a lot at work and home and felt like I was completely losing track of lots of things. Really embarrassing but I messaged to apologise and the host was really nice about it. I think just let her crack on with her life, you don’t know what she’s got on her plate.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 14:00

TangentsPlease · 02/09/2024 13:53

Did she actually say she was going to come? Or was she just present on a group where the invite was sent but didn't accept it?

She definitely accepted it - and responded to other messages that i sent (about dietary requirements etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:59

Pyjamatimenow · 02/09/2024 13:56

If you’ve only invited half the girls in the class, you’ve left quite a few out. Maybe she’s friends with some of the ones you left out. Personally if having a party at home and not paying per head, I’d invite all the girls, rather than a select few. It’s a bit mean.

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We are definitely past the point of having to invite all the girls and regardless we invited far less then half the girls and lastly, that is not the point. If she wasn't comfortable coming because a friend of hers wasn't invited, that's no problem, she could have rejected the invite.

I wouldn't have invited more due to safety of bouncy castle/hot tub.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 02/09/2024 13:56

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:51

School mum, no - only about 7 including siblings.

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If you’ve only invited half the girls in the class, you’ve left quite a few out. Maybe she’s friends with some of the ones you left out. Personally if having a party at home and not paying per head, I’d invite all the girls, rather than a select few. It’s a bit mean.

TangentsPlease · 02/09/2024 13:53

Did she actually say she was going to come? Or was she just present on a group where the invite was sent but didn't accept it?

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:53

LBFseBrom · 02/09/2024 11:45

That.

As long as everyone else enjoyed the party, don't worry about it. It's over.

(I once sent my son to a party on the wrong day - the day after! There was nobody there, I assure you my apologises were profuse and I was red faced for several days. Things happen but we get over them.)

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I've done the same (actually i got the time wrong and i didn't know the mum or child so my kid attended someone else's party and was happily jumping away until i clocked that i literally didn't know anyone).

But the point is that you have said yourself that you apologised after (as did i - and i took the present around to the birthday girl).

She hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:51

Pyjamatimenow · 02/09/2024 11:54

Is this a school mum? Was it all girls from the class you invited?

School mum, no - only about 7 including siblings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:49

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 13:11

Its an invite not a summons.

Kicking someone when you know they are already down and struggling because you self admittedly don't like them says far more about you.

Totally - it's an invite, that she accepted.

I have not said that i don't like the mum?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:47

TenarAtuan · 02/09/2024 13:42

I have totally forgotten quite a few kids parties in my time. It happens! It might happen to you! Please don't say anything. The mum might bring it up herself. In the broad scheme of things it's a minor offence, surely? Edited for typos.

Edited

When you realised you had forgotten (as i have done), did you then apologise to the host?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:45

Thank you all- at least those who have talked me down in a polite and reasoned way.

Those who have called me weird etc etc - and then told me to look in a mirror, well the irony is not lost on me!

To be clear, she could not have forgotten as she opened messages from me about the party THAT MORNING, so she could have sent a quick message then saying that they wouldn't make it.

She has opened the messages from me since (on the group WhatApp where i thanked for presents) and she could have sent a quick apology message then.

And actually, that has irked me more than the not turning up on the day.

I don't know her enough to either like or dislike her, but i was happy for her kid to be invited (who doesn't get invited to much due to the mother's bahaviour oversharing on FB and playground arguments with teachers - not divorce related) and i mainly just feel pretty sorry for that child who had been talking about the party constantly with my child and has missed out.

I won't message her and i will still invite her DD in the future if my DD wants to - but will know that it's likely she may not come.

OP posts:
Exception7 · 02/09/2024 13:44

brightdazzling · 02/09/2024 12:06

I would send a message along the lines of 'hi just wanted to check all is ok as we were expecting you at the party today'. That has the effect of 'calling out' her behaviour but in a subtler way and is sympathetic if something genuinely is going on with her.

I definitely would NOT send a message but if you are determined to do so, I think this one is the most appropriate.

We have no idea what’s going on in another person’s life. Even though you find this person irritating, there may be a genuine reason why she has allowed this situation to arise. I know it only takes seconds to send a text but if someone is in a state of mental
turmoil it may just be too much for them to get their head together enough to make a reply.