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AIBU?

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Original poster

No show at party

185 replies

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 10:56

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5156096-non-show-at-party?postsby=Iwishicouldflyhigh

OP posts:
poetrylover · 03/09/2024 23:56

I might just ask if she's ok. It would be the kinder thing to do if she is having a rough time.

OneTC · 03/09/2024 22:19

I'm not particularly fond of this mum.

Oh really?

JoBrandsCleaner · 03/09/2024 22:10

You seem to be massively over thinking this and you obviously don’t think much of this lady in the first place. I would hardly give this a second thought.

Lollipop81 · 03/09/2024 20:45

Yes it’s annoying, yes it’s rude but you have no idea what is going on in her life right now. Also your child’s party isn’t other people priority.
i say this although I am completely on your side. Sometimes best to leave it.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 03/09/2024 19:42

PorridgeEater · 03/09/2024 18:01

"Yes it's annoying, but if she's having a tough time then your daughter's birthday probably wasn't a priority for her. I'd let it go and not give it any more thought. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things."
This.
You have no idea what she may be having to cope with.

Well she looked like she was coping fine in the photos she posted on Facebook today (of the day she went out on my DD’s party day). And certainly coping well enough to send a text saying they weren’t coming. Or an apology after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 03/09/2024 19:39

Jack80 · 03/09/2024 18:42

If you have cake or did any party bags maybe contact mum and say we have this for x as she missed the party or message and ask how she is if not and say her daughter was missed at the party.

I messaged her to ask if she’s ok and she said that as the weather was good, they decided to go out for the day.

OP posts:
lemming40 · 03/09/2024 19:32

Let it go and don't invite her next year

Jack80 · 03/09/2024 18:42

If you have cake or did any party bags maybe contact mum and say we have this for x as she missed the party or message and ask how she is if not and say her daughter was missed at the party.

PorridgeEater · 03/09/2024 18:01

"Yes it's annoying, but if she's having a tough time then your daughter's birthday probably wasn't a priority for her. I'd let it go and not give it any more thought. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things."
This.
You have no idea what she may be having to cope with.

August1980 · 03/09/2024 17:59

I would just leave it. What good can come from you making her feel bad about her lack of manners. Just show grace and move on.

ReacherSaidNothing · 03/09/2024 15:16

SammyScrounge · 03/09/2024 14:45

Let it go. She has troubles enough at the moment.
Yes she was very inconsiderate not to let you know she wasn't coming but her mind will be full of divorce and all the things she has to do about that. She has quite possibly forgotten about the party or got the date mixed up.
Let it go.

OP has posted an update to say the rude bastard decided to do something else with her day because the weather was nice...

SammyScrounge · 03/09/2024 14:45

Let it go. She has troubles enough at the moment.
Yes she was very inconsiderate not to let you know she wasn't coming but her mind will be full of divorce and all the things she has to do about that. She has quite possibly forgotten about the party or got the date mixed up.
Let it go.

pinkspeakers · 03/09/2024 13:48

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 15:16

UPDATE:

I emailed the mother and asked her if everything was ok and she said that as the weather was fine, they decided to go out for the day.

Wow. That really is rude. Pulling out just because they fancied something else was not OK. Not letting you know was even worse.

SphinxOfBlackQuartz · 03/09/2024 13:32

If it's mainly her daughter you feel sorry for then why would you add to her mum's burden by messaging her? How does that help her daughter at all?

It doesn't. It also doesn't really help you at all because the party's done. Which means it would just be sent to make her feel bad = pointless.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 03/09/2024 13:30

PassingStranger · 03/09/2024 13:25

Exactly, an invitation is an.invitation not a summons. They don't have to come.

Show quote history

So then don't accept? Or let people know if you aren't going to go? Or apologies after if you forget?

Do you honestly and truly accept invitations to party and then not bother going or apologiesing after?

Of course people don't have to come, but if they have accepted an invitation, then yes actually, i do expect them to come (or let me know prior if they don't or apologise after if they forget or whatever).

It's really bad form to accept and then not to just turn up, i am astonished that you don't think so.

And especially in this case as it was because she fancied a day out in the sun (again), if she'd emailed in the morning to say they couldn't make it, fair enough.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 03/09/2024 13:25

Fluufer · 03/09/2024 13:19

What if what she has told you is a lie, because the truth is none of your business? I honestly think it's really odd to follow up on kids party attendance, chasing an apology from someone you know is dealing with a lot. What was the point?

Show quote history

Exactly, an invitation is an.invitation not a summons. They don't have to come.

Fluufer · 03/09/2024 13:19

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 03/09/2024 13:07

Well yes, i totally agree.
Forgetting is understandable - but not apologising after is not ok.

And not coming (and letting me know) as they fancied a day out in the sun is definitely not ok. They could at least have made up a semi plausible excuse!!!

Show quote history

What if what she has told you is a lie, because the truth is none of your business? I honestly think it's really odd to follow up on kids party attendance, chasing an apology from someone you know is dealing with a lot. What was the point?

PassingStranger · 03/09/2024 13:17

Wow do.people really get upset a out this and then try and complicated it further by trying to.pull.people up on.it

What on earth are you gling to achieve by messaging her. What will you do if she dosent message, message again, then what.

It's not your place to do this. Just think.of the children who did come and enjoy it. Just don't invite her again. Move on

I'm amazed at people getting so irate they want to.message people
Chill.out.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 03/09/2024 13:07

1offnamechange · 02/09/2024 19:17

hmm....yet I would bet a fair amount that people's ideas of what is okay and what isn't might suddenly change if they were the other side of the scenario...

Somehow I doubt all the people saying 'ah let it go' 'it's just a kids party' etc would be as blase if it was their kid crying because nobody turned up to their party.

Or would be the ones complaining if people just didn't turn up to their wedding because it was a nice day and they fancied going out, etc.

Something tells me that if all the attendees at rude!mum's own dd's party didn't bother turning up or contacting her she'd have something to say...

Show quote history

Well yes, i totally agree.
Forgetting is understandable - but not apologising after is not ok.

And not coming (and letting me know) as they fancied a day out in the sun is definitely not ok. They could at least have made up a semi plausible excuse!!!

OP posts:
1offnamechange · 02/09/2024 19:17

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 15:33

Exactly, even if she'd said something that morning, that would have been ok (and if it were me, i'd have dropped around a present, but there you go).

What these threads show is that so many people have different ideas to what is ok and what is not, it's quite fascinating.

Show quote history

hmm....yet I would bet a fair amount that people's ideas of what is okay and what isn't might suddenly change if they were the other side of the scenario...

Somehow I doubt all the people saying 'ah let it go' 'it's just a kids party' etc would be as blase if it was their kid crying because nobody turned up to their party.

Or would be the ones complaining if people just didn't turn up to their wedding because it was a nice day and they fancied going out, etc.

Something tells me that if all the attendees at rude!mum's own dd's party didn't bother turning up or contacting her she'd have something to say...

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 02/09/2024 17:31

She's such a dick.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 17:27

Maria1979 · 02/09/2024 16:31

Wow!!! Actually her silence was better...

Show quote history

Indeed!!! There are some people i know or friends, where not showing up would be so out of character, i'd be concerned and that would be my primary thought - concern for them, and i'd be on the phone, knocking at their door (not because they didn't come to the party but due to concern as it why they weren't there), but i'm not surprised with this mum and i guess that's why i was irritated.

I'm over it now!

OP posts:
Maria1979 · 02/09/2024 16:31

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 15:16

UPDATE:

I emailed the mother and asked her if everything was ok and she said that as the weather was fine, they decided to go out for the day.

Wow!!! Actually her silence was better...

Jellybeanbag · 02/09/2024 16:12

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 13:45

Thank you all- at least those who have talked me down in a polite and reasoned way.

Those who have called me weird etc etc - and then told me to look in a mirror, well the irony is not lost on me!

To be clear, she could not have forgotten as she opened messages from me about the party THAT MORNING, so she could have sent a quick message then saying that they wouldn't make it.

She has opened the messages from me since (on the group WhatApp where i thanked for presents) and she could have sent a quick apology message then.

And actually, that has irked me more than the not turning up on the day.

I don't know her enough to either like or dislike her, but i was happy for her kid to be invited (who doesn't get invited to much due to the mother's bahaviour oversharing on FB and playground arguments with teachers - not divorce related) and i mainly just feel pretty sorry for that child who had been talking about the party constantly with my child and has missed out.

I won't message her and i will still invite her DD in the future if my DD wants to - but will know that it's likely she may not come.

You're a better woman that I am.

I wouldn't be inviting again and that would be her mother's rude behaviour that caused it, not yours.

I wouldn't send her a message and I wouldn't be in a rush to greet her either when I saw her. Imagine all the parents did this and no one showed up. It's so rude and I don't have time for that BS.

Glad your DD had a good time nevertheless.

SoTired12 · 02/09/2024 16:07

Move on, these little things happen.