First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

Her DH isn’t shattered, he’s had 2 full nights sleep while OP has been up with her son. So really, he should have been the person most able to control their mood/temper in the family, not the one having a tantrum and threatening to leave home.

You know you need to change this although it's likely too late. Your sons will likely contribute the same cycle and your daughters will tolerate the lowest of behaviours from men as that's exactly what they have been taught to do. Get rid for gods sake.

OP, is your husband having any treatment apart from therapy, for instance medication? He really needs to realise that, when you have a small child, you can't keep using depression as a Get Out of Jail Free card or a means to get your own way all the time.

When he said he was going to leave, I would be offering to pack his bags for him to hurry the process along. No one should live walking on eggshells to keep the peace and your son and you deserve better. Poor MH is not an excuse to be abusive.

You DH is trying to manipulate yours and your child's behaviour by leaving inappropriate huge mood when you don't do exactly as he says/things don't go exactly as he wants. Lack of sleep is not an excuse. I notice YOU managed to behave appropriately considering the lack of sleep, and your 3 year old also behaved appropriately (albeit annoyingly) for a tired 3 year old. I would have zero tolerance for ANYBODY that made my 3yo "cry hysterically" and even less if it was their own dad that was doing it.

Also. His depression isn't manifesting as anger. It's his fucking awful parenting skills and inability to communicate and attempts to manipulate you that is manifesting as anger. Do not make excuses for this man.

Send him on his way. Tell him not to come home and I bet your childs sleep and behaviour improves no end.

And its not about permissive vs strict parenting. It's about parenting calmly, whatever boundaries you're putting in place.

I think the point is that when you have a tired 3 year old who needs to be got ready within a short space of time for a new pre-school, you pick your battles. That really is not the time to have a big battle of wills over something relatively trivial, and most of us would have simply distracted the child so that he left the toy box alone.

This really isn't good for your son. Whether he has autism or not, he will be on high alert for Dad losing his temper and his stress levels will be all over the shop. Just because he seemed calm and ran in happily when you got to school doesn't mean he's not being damaged by this behaviour - in fact he may be learning to hide his feelings. The sleeplessness could well be a symptom of underlying anxiety. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about not losing his temper in front of DS.

Of course being away from your parents with strangers for an entire day is massive to a small child. It’s not about ‘playing’ all day, they can feel unsettled, scared and completely off kilter so they play up.

If you were starting a first day at work and you felt hugely overwhelmed would you be happy if someone said ‘it’s just a new job, get over it?’

First days for kids are huge and scary. Of course we shouldn’t pitch them to kids as being so, we should be positive but that doesn’t make a difference. I know lots of parents who will be facing years and unhappiness this week and their kids have already started at school in previous years.

He should have been cut some slack. Time outs are stupid anyway, especially for a three year old, but on such a big day a small child should not be receiving punishments right before they go and do something which to them, is massive.

I would react badly to being undermined if it was already frustrated, but I wouldn't threaten to leave.

I'd text DH and ask him what time he's coming round to collect his bags!

Your son will grow up with a warped view of relationships if this carries on. Depression is no excuse for shouting awful stuff they a child can hear.

Oh course your husband is completely in the wrong but your son is still very young for time outs. Don’t forget that a time out should last no longer in minutes than your child’s age. So your son should be having 3mins time out maximum.

This. All your DH did was ask DS not to tip toys all over the floor, he issued a warning that he'd go on timeout if he did it, he did so got put on timeout. I dont think starting preschool should be such a big deal that normal parenting goes out of the window?! Its only playing. Its not school by any stretch of the measure. It should be pitched to DS as 'how awesome, you will love preschool!' not something he should feel nervous or on edge about.
I'm sure DS was upset to be put in time out that's kind of the point 😂 if it didn't bother him he'd tip his toys out all over the floor again.

It sounds like you and your DH are in a different place re. Parenting and you are a more permissive parent. It would be really frustrating to be undermined on something so simple as this so i can see why your DH is annoyed, but threatening to leave /move out is way excessive

Hang on - so does he have depression or NPD? Or both? His first breakdown was 3 years ago and your toddler is 3? So this happened what, towards the end of your pregnancy or while your toddler was a newborn?

And how was his MH pre-pregnancy / birth?

My parents lived separately when I was in juniors, they were still very much together, dad came and took us to school and picked up up, we are meals together then he went back to his own place and sometimes my DBro or I would go with him. Once his MH improved and he got appropriate help from the GP they moved back together.

His flat was a tiny thing and I wouldn't have wanted to live there but they didn't have a huge amount of spare cash.

In the meantime, if I were you I'd look on Travelodge for the cheapest night this week and book it so DH can get a proper night's rest and then book yourself one in a couple of weeks and make it a semi regular thing. Sleep deprivation means everyone acts out of character.

My husband has undermined me in front of our DC before but I’ve never stormed out and threatened to leave, especially on a day which is huge for a small child. We sorted things and apologies were made.

Her DH is a twat.

No way would I stay married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I would cut my losses and end it—I’ve never seen a successful outcome of a relationship with someone with NPD—only damaged children and a damaged partner.

@Zanatdy But she didn't undermine him in front of his child. She explained to him away from his child in another room that she thought that they should just move on for the morning and why. And considering she has been the one literally losing sleep with the little one over the past few nights while he's slept through all of it, I think she was well within her rights to do so as she's definitely feeling the issues more than he is.

But i can empathise with DS because i've been up with him for 2 nights and i'm tired and grumpy too, whilst DH has slept through it all.

Oh. This changes everything. I thought you meant you’d all been up for three hours.

Your husband is just a nasty shit then.

And @Aperolling28, to be frank, the more you excuse his behaviour the worse it will be. You’re letting him get away with things by saying ‘Oh but his mental health’ - don’t excuse this sort of reaction. It’s not fair on your son or you.

I can see why he left - it is incredibly frustrating to be undermined in front of your child when you set boundaries. However you’re both shattered, that leads to short tempers, poor communication and a lack of team work. Some sleep and some space from each other will hopefully help.

You need to leave him OP. This is already having an impact on your DS. It will get worse.

This.

I am struggling with mental health conditions right now and they’re being excessively triggered by hormones.

I don’t have tantrums and I would never put a child in time out on their first day of school because of my own issues (I don’t like time outs anyway but that’s another thread).

Your DH has no excuse - you’re all tired, you’re all feeling it but to take his feelings out on a small child on what is a very daunting day for them is ridiculous.

My first line literally said he was an idiot for his reaction. But it is bloody frustrating when kids deliberately tip out an entire toy box and you’ve got to sit there and pick it all up. Nothing wrong with teaching your child not to do that. My comment was about undermining the other parent. I don’t think he was unreasonable for what he said. Kids do frustrate parents, especially when parents are exhausted. Mum coming in and saying cut him some slack it’s his first day of pre school was not necessary. Apparently it was done away from the child, so that’s fine if that’s what happened.

But dad tells off child, mum comes running in and tells him he’s wrong and consoles the child will frustrate the other parent. If they’ve smacked the child etc completely acceptable but telling him off for tipping out toy box when asked not to is not something mum needs to intervene about

If he's not genuinely looking to find ways of coping with his depression/anger/unreasonable behaviour and not pulling his weight at home and childcare (noted he's slept through all the night time issues), I'd ask him to go.

He's using his depression as an excuse for shitty behaviour and throwing it at you as a 'you don't understand' whenever you call him out on his behaviour. These narcissistic tendencies are running the show of his behaviour, not his depression. He is causing upset and stress, which will leave you walking on eggshells so as not to trigger it. Your son will learn to do the same if he stays. And that will take a toll on both you and your little one and he may well end up behaving the same horrible way.