First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

Bit of a harsh response here???
Why say that?
My exDH developed depression and turned into an angry monster all the time.
Likely used the depression as an excuse but still didn't stop the tramp being angry at me and kids for no reason.

@Aperolling28 , your comment about life being easier when your "D"H isn't there is something I have said many times since I left my abusive XH. He too cited depression as the reason for his anger and aggression, but would be fine at other times. I related that on a thread on here, only to have someone say "oh so depression is something you can switch on and off is it, he can be fine when he wants to be"...and that was a lightbulb moment for me, realising that he could contain his temper if he wanted to, but was choosing not to...and having DS squeak in fright at his father shouting at me is a memory I wish I didn't have. Get yourselves out of there love, or ask him to leave, and give him the ultimatum that he either sorts himself out or it'll be made permanent. You and DS deserve better.

Leave your husband. You owe your child a happy childhood. He can’t choose who is around him, who’s shouting at him over tiny things, creating a bad atmosphere. You can choose this. He will grow up walking on eyeshells, trying to keep daddy happy, anxious about him exploding.

Your husband is an adult and can control his behaviour (I’m not saying it’s easy) but he doesn’t. He’s already on treatment, seeing therapists. There’s no shame in walking away, accepting it doesn’t work for you and your son. There is shame in not keeping your child away from that sort of behaviour.

Maybe people 'should' do what suits their family. Families do things differently. The OP was equally tired but managed to control her temper, so this is really about her DH behaving like a toddler himself and having a tantrum.

Yeah, telling someone who's already agitated when they ask you if you want something "yes, but only if you control your temper " is not exactly calming the situation is it? It comes off as a bit superior, in my experience, and likely to make things worse, even though he really shouldn't have been shouting in the first place. Sounds like everyone's really tired and in need of some rest.

This needs pointing out to him.

‘Both awake’ meant her and her child.

I honestly couldn't cope with that. dh once (just the once!) got irritated when changing ds's nappy and it came out as swearing and huffing. I took over finished the job, settled ds then literally growled at dh "do not EVER make me feel like I need to protect him from you again" and stared him out.

It never happened again in 20 years. If it did he would have been under the patio (figuratively).

You need to take immediate steps to protect your ds from your dh's behaviour if this is regular, as it is unacceptable and damaging to treat children that way.

Without going into too much detail as we are still reeling from this ourselves, a family member who has a life threatening condition if not very carefully controlled, has recently heard from her consultant (that knew nothing about her trauma history) that they have seen previous damage on her brain during a MRI scan, and the type of damage is consistent with trauma such as living long term with a narcissist or abuse that has contributed to her condition.

Protect your child. Depression is no excuse to treat a child that way, your dh needs to put himself in time out when he is getting stressed and learn ways to control his temper.

I'm not sure . In the opening post Aperolling said they were both awake ,and it had happened the night before too ,and that's why DP was 'shattered and grumpy' but in an update she says he slept through it all .

Sounds like it’s DH that needs ushering to pre-school!

The threatening to leave home really resonates with me OP as when DD15 was younger, DH would threaten to leave a lot & it was awful. It’s emotional abuse.

My dm suffered from depression and it got so bad that I would look forward to going into care when she was hospitalised as the whole household would be governed by what mood she was in

I no longer see my mother. I moved out at 16 and have been NC since I was barely out of my teens.

Having depression makes you selfish. It makes you angry if things don’t go perfectly.
My advice is cut dh loose now.
He can’t understand that he is dealing with a 3 year old. He can’t put his own ego aside for one short amount of time to understand that things should be as relaxed as possible for DS no matter what he does as he is tired and anxious and he is just inflaming situations

It will only get worse the older DS gets

Narcissistic personality disorder is very serious and usually considered untreatable, because the people who have it refused to accept that there’s anything wrong with them. I don’t know if a therapist is qualified to diagnose this, that is a huge label to put on someone and as far as I’m aware, should only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist. If he actually has NPD, then I think your only healthy choice is to leave, if he does turn out to be one of the vanishingly rare people who seek treatment for it and actually get somewhere, then you could always get back together. But I suspect he doesn’t have a formal diagnosis? And if the therapist is throwing labels like that around it’s possible they have actually been quite unprofessional and maybe not delivered very good care

having a parent with poor mental health is considered an adverse childhood event and leads to poor outcomes for kids. Your partners untreated poor mental heath will damage both you and your son, and your partner who will have to live with the shame whether he feels it or represses it.

you have to let go of the idea of rescuing your unwell partner and caring for him. Your primary job has to be motherhood, your partner clearly isn’t able to be around your son at the moment without potentially losing his shit and is not supporting you, in an ideal world he would go somewhere else and work on that and have small amounts of contact which are more manageable, in an ideal world, you would emotionally move on and find somebody else, or just enjoy your sons childhood being a single parent, honestly, there are so many things about single parenthood which are beautiful and so much easier than living with the threat of emotional explosion. A serious question is why are you still there, are you afraid of being on your own, breaking up with family, losing the good side of your partner? Totally understandable, these are powerful forces but they will keep you in a bad situation if left unchecked

@DoIWantTo the father wasn’t tired, he’d slept through the lot. He’s just a prick.

I think this is an excellent post, and gets to the point well.

I had to "manage" my Ex for years. Well, I didn't HAVE to, I stupidly made that choice and my elder children suffer even now for my choice. My younger are far more balanced as I got out when they were 4/5.

Please don't be me and waste precious years.

Your DH is a twat and a massive man-child. He needs to grow up, and think about what effect his actions are having on your son. He’s probably scared of his dad. It would probably be better for your son’s MH if his dad does move out.

You mentioned that your son has had an autism assessment.
Any chance he's inherited neurovdiversity from his dad?
It's possible your husbands response to these situations is a sign of overwhelm and burnout. Reminds me of my teen when struggling with sensory overload and anxiety.
Or not.
Food for thought?

Your dh is abusive.

Your H is stamping on all your child's first memories with his hysterical angry behaviour.
There is no excuse really, your DS is a typical 3 year old, his behaviour is of no concern.
I managed to bring up my DS on my own with complex PTSD without behaving hysterically like this and work full time. Me and DS are very close.
My own father behaved like this and I have no happy memories of my childhood other than him screaming and shouting and spoiling every occasion. Hence the CPTSD which h I've had for 45 years.
Trust me your child will be affected by his behaviour. You need to monitor this very carefully. Your DS comes first.

He sounds like he makes life too difficult for you. I would definitely separate. I can see how the day felt like a big deal for you, and he made it about himself. It sounds like your son gets shouted at a lot. He's only 3, doing normal 3 year old things. He's can't control his behaviour, what's your husband's excuse? All the people saying that you shouldn't undermine your husband in front of your son. Why not? He was wrong. Tell him to read a parenting book. Being a father doesn't mean you've got someone you can be an arsehole to all the time. By the way, time outs have been debunked. When a toddlers nervous system is in panic mode the last thing they need is to be isolated. It just teaches them to hide their emotions. It's worse for neurodiverse kids.

I don't see anything wrong with creating happy, positive excitement around a milestone like a first day at school or a new preschool - we did with both our kids about what an adventure they were about to have and I think it helped them see it in a positive way. We also both went with them because we are both their parents and wanted to share that milestone with them. The massive issue here is how he reacted to a relatively minor disagreement and the patterns of behaviour your son is being taught are normal eg he does something Daddy doesn't like so Daddy storms off and abandons him. Did he threaten to move out in front of your son?

OP - you say you want to stay. But why? What is it about him that makes you want to stay?

Is it because you have a child and you don’t want to break up the family? Or because of money? Or is it because you like him?

He doesn’t sound great, I have to say. I would cut my losses if I were you. I know that’s not as easy as it sounds.

Which country are you in? Is it his home country?

“yes we are. I think his behaviour is impacted by his poor mental health so he seems to think differently to everyone else”

I think his narcissism means that he does indeed think differently to everyone else, but you’ll spend your whole life (and your children’s childhoods will also be spent) managing his moods, and you can never win with these people. It’ll be your fault even if it was a jerk in another car on his way to the gym, or someone moved his towel at the gym, or whatever. It will eventually destroy your sense of self and reality and set your children up to repeat the same patterns in their own relationships.
I don’t believe that this man is depressed, I think he uses that as a justification for any type of bad behaviour. I would urge you to seriously consider leaving him and taking your son, because of the narcissism and also because his behaviour is actually abusive, to both you and your son. He is not a safe parent, he’s damaging and his temper poses a real risk of harm (emotional harm probably, but physical harm possibly).

Good luck, and I hope you can get a positive resolution.

This.

It’s one arsey thing for him to lose his temper on this particular morning.
its another to say he’s moving out!
Does he often threaten to leave?