First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

I don’t know if you’re aware, but this is a form of domestic abuse.

Using you as an emotional punchbag is emotional abuse: this man who is supposed to love and care for you is regularly hurting you, which is why you feel so awful afterwards.

I hope at some point you’re able to recognise this and get some support for yourself (not couples counselling!! It’s never recommended when one partner is abusive), because you shouldn’t have to live like this.

As you say, it’s shattering and soul destroying. It really is.

And you deserve better.

Your husband needs to grow up

Sorry no. Enough with the excuses. Depression, NPD, anxiety, autism, ADHD or whatever bullshit people come out with to try and pass off their piss poor behaviour these days is just not acceptable when you are married and have a young child.

Yes I know these are all conditions and a lot of people people genuinely struggle with some of them (I know, I lived with one for 10 years!) but come on.

Not every single person who acts like a complete prick has to be "diagnosed" with something.

OP @Aperolling28 your partner sounds horrendous. You went on a 2 week holiday and he didn't speak to you for 10 DAYS?! But he was all sweetness and light around the people you were holidaying with??? Sorry but that's not depression. It sounds like he just dislikes you....

Anyway, MH or not, I would just get out OP. Do you really want you and your son to be treading on eggshells forever more whilst you make excuses for him?

Life is too fucking short.

God your poor son, he's only three and has to navigate his dads tantrums. Hopefully you can all get some sleep tonight and speak about this rationally tomorrow.

Apologies , I misread .

I grew up with a parent who's mental health caused over reactions, unpredictable emotional outbursts and the frequent escalation of minor issues into huge upsetting drama. When I was not much older than your DS, I'd say my prayers every night and add on 'please God, let everything be OK tomorrow and (parent) not be upset'. I walked on egg shells, was hyper vigilant and can't remember ever looking forward to anything without having to say my prayer or do another superstitious ritual. I'm telling you this because as much as you might feel duty bound to your H, your first duty is to your son.

If she leaves him he’ll still get to be alone with his child and would be absolutely free to get as angry as he wants with no one to stop him. That is the law.

You are not being unreasonable.

And drop the ‘Time Out’ for a 3 year old.

It is your DH who needs it.

no way would I be bringing children up in this environment. It’s impacting on him already.

Your DH is responsible for his own recovery and behaviour.

This marriage is over. You’ve done everything you can and gone over and above to help him.

I would ask him to move out now, for the sake of your childs wellbeing.

I'm sorry but your DH isn't fit to be a parent. I'd seriously consider leaving. Is this how you want your little boy's life to be - shouted at and upset on his big days?

He did have a full night's sleep. It was the OP and the child who had broken sleep. The husband should have been the most able to control himself emotionally, if we're basing it on quantity of sleep.

Your poor little boy. He's only 3 and this bloody man child upset him on his first day 😡.
Fgs, the child is tired, overexcited and he wound him up even more. So what if he tipped his toys over.
I would find this act of his very, very upsetting op.

This. Why oh why do grown men behave like this.

People with NPD are very good at “putting on a show” in front of others, then once behind closed doors, their relatives must walk on eggshells as to not upset the apple cart.

You need to leave your H. He sounds like a childish arsehole. You’re tiptoeing around him.

What’s amazing about people who behave like this is they choose who to unleash their shit on!! You’ve said yourself that he’s fine with friends.

He’s choosing to be abusive and controlling with you. Your poor son will be collateral damage.

Get away from your husband. There sounds like there is no enjoyment being around him.

He says I don't understand what its like to have depression.
After 10 days I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and I didn't want to be married to someone like this and we should figure out how to separate and then he cried and apologised, said he was depressed, his behaviour was not ok, and I didn't ubderstand how he felt. His mental health doesn't justify or excuse his behaviour in any way. I do know what depression is like, what it feels like to want to die just so i coilf esape feeling. I know what PTSD is like and what severe PNA manifesting as anger is like, I know what panic attacks are like. When I realised it was starting to impact my DC I went and saw my GP and got my medication increased because I'm not the kind of person that wants to use my mental health as an excuse. Short of a breakdown for which he is hospitalised or him being declared mentally incompetent he is responsible for his behaviour.

Does he yell at annoying people in public, does he yell at or ignore his colleges, does he scream at other drivers in traffic or does he reserve this behaviour for his family? If it's the later then he's showing you he knows the behaviour is wrong and controllable. Whether the anger comes from depression or not won't change the impact it has on you or his child. What he's doing isn't working, he needs to talk to his psychologist and psychiatrist about this, maybe he needs an adjustment to medication if he's taking it, maybe he needs to start taking medication if he isn't. If he can't or won't accept responsibility and work with his MH professionals to find a way of behaving like a half decent dad then mental health issued or not the bottom line is your child needs to be safe and he's not safe from emotional abuse around his dad he needs to not be around him. You also deserve to feel safe and not walking on eggshells. It took me far to long to leave my abusive ex and my eldest is massively triggered by any loud voices, not even angry, just loud. Anger can do a lot of harm to children.

Honestly, OP, others have said it much better so I'm just going to add, that's no way for you and your child to live. Call his bluff, tell him to go right ahead and move out. Start a new life for yourself and your child.

I'm somewhat surprised that his therapist has apparently diagnosed him with NPD and hasn't advised you explicitly to end the relationship. I'm more surprised that you didn't Google it and consequently run.

In massively simplified terms he is the lead character in the movie of his life and you, and your DS, only exist to fulfil the minor character roles he expects. If anything about you or the circumstances does not precisely fit his expectations then this will result in rage, either internalised (sulking) or externalised (shouting, in your case).

Get out now, you and your DS deserve better than this treatment and your H is genuinely incapable of providing it.

Ah , the tears and the promising, it means nothing does it? My XH did that in front of our son, on the day I made him move out, repeatedly telling DS that this was Mummy making this happen, he didn't want to go.

Absolutely this. For months he would cry every time I picked dd up from his, he wanted to talk to her on the phone and tell her he missed her… she was barely 3, it was so inappropriate. And all about him. If he had had any genuine desire to avoid that situation he would have stepped up much earlier on. (And when we were living with him, he had very little interest in doing the things like bathtume, bedtime, which he then claimed to miss so badly.) What he wanted was the status of fatherhood, with wife & child in his house so that he always knew what we were doing. That loss of control was what really hurt him- the histrionics were another way of trying to regain some control. Grey rock is the only way with these men, as hard as that is. Just be unemotional and stick to facts, not get drawn in to the drama because that will give him back the upper hand and he’ll manipulate you again.

Just pack his bags and push him out of the door. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

Thanks, Sigmund.

"I'm moving out" is such a childish response. It's like what kids say when they're told off "I'm running away" packing their little backpack with some crisps and a banana 😂

OP - you said that it is a cycle that seems to be happening more frequently. You are right in what you have noticed. It is the cycle of abuse though, nothing to do with his mental health - depression is irrelevant, he is abusive because he chooses to be and he is in full and absolute control of his emotions, and that is why he is not verbally abuse to anyone else, just to you and your child.

Make a plan to leave and be prepared for every type of manipulation there is, including talk of suicide or apparent attempts. Do not be swayed. He is already causing your child to feel unsettled, uncertain and scared, no wonder he is awake at night.

You know that life would be much better, calmer and safer if you split up with DH.

I think you should get some legal advice, you don’t have to act on it immediately, but you will feel better prepared.

It really isn’t fair on you or DS to have to live like this. 💐

This sounds really tricky. Firstly to the posters calling bull shit on the impact of depression / poor mental health on people’s behaviour they probably haven’t lived with/ known/ worked with people with poor mental health! However, it sounds like you are trying to juggle everything and giving him a lot of consideration for behaviour that is detrimental to you and your little boy. I Wonder whether the only way your DH will start to make changes is if he is away from the home, you and your son? I think with what you have described you and your little boy are treading on egg shells and this isn’t sustainable… Is there any way you could have a break with him staying elsewhere? Do the professional network know the impact on you and your little boy? I also wonder as you have mentioned your little boy having autism possibly if anyone has talked about this being an attachment difficulty linked to his dad’s mental health?

sending you lots of love as it sounds so so tricky x