First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

If he can be 'normal" with friends but not you he's not depressed.

If you read about someone having an angry outburst following a minor incident, and your kneejerk response is, "What did the OP do to cause this? How should she better tiptoe around his temper? What ways can I suggest that would make this out to be at least partially her fault?" that is not a healthy reaction.

As an Early years teacher I totally agree with this.

Suffering from depression does not give you a get out of jail free card for treating everybody like crap. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

You have to be reliable- do what you say you’ll do; consistent; validate their feelings; love them; and not use them as your own emotional support. And not slag off the other parent, nor defend the indefensible - but listen if the child needs to tell you things. It’s really hard, but as you say, there isn’t a choice. However, it is enormously preferable to them living full time with a narcissist, while your mental health and their brain development are traumatised and retraumatised (I’m not exaggerating: this stuff can leave children and adults with CPTSD). They can learn what normal, healthy relationships look like and that it’s ok to leave a toxic environment.

I don't allow my dp to shout at us. The only rare times he's ever done it (I mean proper shouting not the kind of snappy raised voices that we can all slip into and no one is upset by) I've made him sleep somewhere else that night. I'm not having my babies grow up in a home where that's seen as acceptable.
I'm adamant that we will all speak to each other with respect at all times no matter what is going on. Its so important.

I made the comment before I read he was a diagnosed narc.

NPD never ends well. OP please leave before he does anymore damage to you and your son.

No. No, she doesn't. Her H is not well mentally and is reacting inappropriately to DS because of this. The very minimum OP needs to do is 'undermine' him, because her DS needs to know he can trust one of his parents. The OPs posts made it very clear this isn't just an isolated case of disagreement about how to handle discipline. The man is inconsistent, irrational and disproportionate in his reactions, regularly. Because he is ill. The OP does not need to be persuaded to have a think about how she can better collude with that.

@Aperolling28 you HAVE tried everything to save your marriage but you REALLY need to protect your son. Even your H’s therapist has told you it’s not on you to save your H.

I grew up in a house like this, always waiting for the hammer to fall…it led to severe depression in my late teens and twenties and a hell of a lot of therapy over the course of years to unravel. My sister also needed a lot of therapy, my brother was resistant to having any therapy (his life is a mess) and, hand on heart, it has massively affected the course of all our lives. That can’t be what you want for your DS!

OP reading all your comments you need to start making a safe plan to leave.

He's an abusive narcissist. Not one people have guessed at without knowing him, he is actually diagnosed as this!! 😔😕 He won't become a better person or partner or parent.

Can you get some legal advice?

How did you come to be living abroad??
Do you both work? You sound isolated.

I really feel for your ds. Did you let preschool know he hadn't eaten and was tired?? Hopefully they can give him a little more at snack time and keep an eye on him.

This isn't good for your child living with a man like this. You need to make a drastic change.

Oh that's alright then, another excuse for them to abuse women and get away with it.

As if he's going to bother his ass spending much time alone with a child that he doesn't even enjoy spending time with now.

Plus, part of npd abuse is abusing the child TO abuse the mother. If she's not there to see it, he doesn't have to 'play up for the cameras'.

Agreed. Depression is no excuse for these rage outbursts. And I know everyone is different but all the people who I've known to be depressed have been quiet and withdrawn, a tornado could go past and they wouldn't get up. Or the other way, putting on a happy face and trying to to make everyone happy.
All these explosive outbursts are unacceptable. It's going to put your son on edge, and you on edge.

I’m still calling bullshit though 🤷🏻‍♀️
If he can manage his “anger” around his friends, Mr Life & Soul of the Party could manage it around his THREE year old. Just another bullying abusive prick, depression or no depression.

Your dh needs to grow up.

How often do you undermine his parenting? It wasn't unreasonable for him to set boundaries with your child about the toy basket. If you use time out as a method of dealing with your child's behaviour then it wasn't unreasonable for him to use it this time. If what happened this morning - him parenting your joint child and you telling him he was unreasonable (especially if this happened in front of the child) then I can understand why he was angry.

He absolutely shouldn't have had a tantrum but it sounds like you both need to have a think about how you want to parent your child and how you deal with any conflict that arises.

I don’t know what the answer is, but based on what I’ve seen, if a child is in a household with a parent with NPD 100% of the time, it is very damaging to the child and affects their relationships with others into adulthood. I would view it as better for the child to see the parent with NPD less frequently than the resident parent.

I remember taking my three-year-old DS to playschool for the first time. My DH did not come with us as he was working (teacher, so could not take day off even had this been an option we thought of). Mostly mothers dropping children off. I dropped off DS, hung up his coat for him and took him to the helpers, and left. No drama. This was 1981 and I was expecting my DD, so went home and put feet up. Collected him 3 hours later with no drama. It wasn't a special thing.
First day at school was a bit more dramatic, by again teacher DH not there. Went off to visit a friend after school, who suggested I might like to listen about DS's day, which I did. No tears and no upset the night before, either afaik.

Why do both parents needs to be there at first day of nursery school?
NB A bit OTT to say 'leaving home' over this. Is your DH three? In which case pack him a sandwich and a drink in a tied-up hankie on a stick and suggest he camp at the bottom of the garden. This usually works with 3-year-olds.

Depression in men can often manifest as anger

I totally agreevwith this, but (and I ask this really wanting to understand ir, not criticising you) how does that work when there's a DC involved?
I mean, you divorce, so you don't need to live with some with NPD but they will still have DC at least EOW (assuming OP would have main custody), so the chold would still need to deal with the NPD parent, and on their own?

Why have you put your kids through that? (for years!)

100% this.

And big nuclear tantrums from a parent, including a threat to abandon the child, and not even an apology afterwards, are a form of emotional abuse.

OP, I hope you’re beginning to see that this is abuse and that you need to protect your child, and yourself.

Neither of you deserves to live like this.

And he sounds very manipulative

That shouldn't be your DS's problem

Do you work? Are you in the country of your H? Was your son born there?

I don't know what your husband brings to the family