Page 3 | First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

Aperolling28 · 2024-09-02T07:13:50+00:00

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning. The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out. My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out. DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state. Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Maray1967 · 02/09/2024 13:54

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 02/09/2024 08:50

Your DH seems like a bit of an arsehole, who blames you and expects you to take responsibility for a 3 year old being 3 years old. He is being a crap parent and having depression doesn't give him a free pass to be so selfish. He needs to be sat down and told a few home truths.

This. Home truths are definitely needed here, urgently. No excuses justify how he’s behaving - none. He either learns how to parent a child quickly or he needs to move out.

From how you’ve described what he shouted, it sounds as though he was challenging your DS. Both of mine would have tipped the toys out following that. Does he not know that he needs to get up quickly, lift/move the box and divert DS, rather than confront and challenge?

Allthehorsesintheworld · 02/09/2024 13:49

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 09:01

@theworldie yes i know his therapist told me he had a narcissistic personality disorder. He has alot of mental health issues that he struggles with. Its really hard. I'm trying to navigate through it all.

Having suffered from a narcissistic mother ( and a father who copied her every move, very odd) I’d say you’re better off separating. I can’t see how you’ll ever have a happy marriage, or your child a happy home, with this. Better to do it now while your son is small. Sorry, but I can’t see he’ll get any better.

Original poster

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 13:49

@Nonethemiser sorry i'm struggling to keep up with all of the posts. On one hand I think everyone is susceptible/vulnerable to depression/poor mental health and having witnessed DH having a mental breakdown it was terrifying for him and me. There was no obvious pathway to getting better, it was very much trial and error, he lost his mind and it was a long road to get him back to a 'normal' state/feeling well. Since then he has seen a psychiatrist and therapist (at the same practice) who worked together to help him get well. He hasn't been on meds for a year but I have noticed a change in his mood over the last few months and he seems to be slipping back into how he was pre breakdown.

We have been having couples therapy since the start of the year with his therapist - it helped to some extent. But I think she sensed my frustration so she contacted me to have a 1 to 1 appt with her alone before the summer holidays. I saw her and felt like she dropped a grenade that blew up. She said she couldn't see me again alone and I needed to find my own therapist. But i wondered if she was trying to tell me that things are not going to change and it was ok if I wanted to leave.
She said he suffered from depression, had a personality disorder - narcissism and entitlement, no empathy (not malicious just doesn't have it) and whilst she didn't think that would change, he could continue to work on his issues. Since hearing it put to me like that, I have wondered if things can change/improve and the summer and his behaviour has made me think he won't. But to be honest, it's all so mentally draining. I really want him to be well but I don't think he ever fully will be.

OP posts:

GingerPirate · 02/09/2024 13:49

Nonethemiser · 02/09/2024 13:21

The problem with a lot of these mental health disorders is that people have the ability to "mask" but they can't do it all the time and I suspect this is what's going on here. I do feel sympathy for your DH - if he has a therapist he clearly has a problem and if he engages with the therapist he recognises that. The issue for you is whether you believe he can get better, how long might that take and whether you're willing for you, and your son, to go on that journey with him?

😂
And I know about masking.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/09/2024 13:46

Probably missing the point, but 'punishments' like time out don't actually work, so maybe you could both look at different ways of parenting and maybe DH wouldn't end up so stressed?

GivingitToGod · 02/09/2024 13:45

Backtothedungeon · 02/09/2024 08:27

I can see why your DH was upset. If you disagreed with how he was handling it you should have discussed it later rather than undermining him at the time. Saying he's going to move out as a result is a massive overreaction though unless there are other issues in your relationship. Hopefully you will all get more sleep tonight and everyone will feel more rational tomorrow.

This. Also, I think OP was OTT with 'time out' penalty also. It was only regarding tipping a box of toys! Completely unnecessary for something so trivial.
Hope things settle down

Notreat · 02/09/2024 13:41

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:37

@TheyWentToSeaInASieve yeh that's exactly how I feel. I am quite open with him about how it makes me feel but all he can say is he's depressed. He had a mental breakdown 3 years ago, spent 6 weeks in hospital and has seen a psychiatrist and therapist ever since. Occasionally I see his therapist too with and without him. But both her and I have noticed a change in his mental health.
I have discussed separating with him, which is the last thing I want to do but it's really hard when he behaves like this. He says I don't understand what its like to have depression. But to be honest life is alot easier when he isn't around.

I am so sorry it sounds as though you are in a terrible situation. But your child has to come first and your husband's behaviour and the tense atmosphere is not good for his mental health.

candycane222 · 02/09/2024 13:40

PS I realise there is way way way more going on than I have addressed, to say the least.

I just couldn't help noticing how you reported your DH worded his instructions to DS and I was wincing in advance knowing what ds was likely to do...

bringincrazyback · 02/09/2024 13:37

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:27

@bringincrazyback no he doesn't. But he does suffer from depression and often it manifests as anger. Yesterday we were supposed to leave in the morning for a family day out and it took an hour to get everything/one ready. 5 mins before we get ready to leave DS says he doesn't want to go. DH flips out and starts shouting, DS is crying hysterically. DH then storms off to the gym.
Again, i get its frustrating but I would have handled it differently and just taken DS out of the house. Once we are out, he's fine. So i spent the morning with DS for a few hours and DH joined later.

I do think we are probably all a bit ratty. But i can empathise with DS because i've been up with him for 2 nights and i'm tired and grumpy too, whilst DH has slept through it all.

Oh dear, he's clearly struggling with his mental health (I suffer from depression myself) but it doesn't give him carte blanche to act like an arse towards his family. Haven't had time to RTFT yet, but whatever else is going on, he really needs to be proactively seeking better strategies for coping with life. But I know I'm stating the obvious there.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 02/09/2024 13:37

Your poor child seems to be living in a very stressful household. His father can’t manage a family day out or taking him to nursery without having a hissy fit.
You’ll have to take control and dial everything back for the sake of your child.
Starting nursery school is lovely, not a gala performance, just a fun thing for your child. Going out is just putting a few bits in a bag and going out. If your DH is going to be a drama queen you have to be the opposite for your child’s sake until you decide if DH stays or goes. And if he stays he goes for counselling to learn to control himself and resemble an adult.

candycane222 · 02/09/2024 13:36

Just a tip for your DH (and all parents of toddlers everywhere) Instead of saying "don't xxxxxxx" try giving a positive instruction - on repeat. So "Keep the basket the right way up that's right leave the basket let go of the basket come over here that's right let go of the basket let go of the basket etc. " Can't remember who gave me this tip but it was so useful for me. Somehow it is harder for them to carry out an action when they are being flooded by a message repeatedly suggesting the opposite, desired by parent action. They don't have the processing power I guess!

Tl:dr vocalise what you want them to do - don't vocalise the crime it looks like they are about to commit!

C8H10N4O2 · 02/09/2024 13:29

Nonethemiser · 02/09/2024 13:21

The problem with a lot of these mental health disorders is that people have the ability to "mask" but they can't do it all the time and I suspect this is what's going on here. I do feel sympathy for your DH - if he has a therapist he clearly has a problem and if he engages with the therapist he recognises that. The issue for you is whether you believe he can get better, how long might that take and whether you're willing for you, and your son, to go on that journey with him?

If he "masks" most of the time then it says a lot about who is important to him that he subjects his toddler to temper tantrums rather than eg adult work colleagues and friends.

Subjecting a small child to life on eggshells with an "explosive" parent is not a "journey" for the OP to choose, its a child who may need protection. If after all this time and therapy DH has not developed techniques and mechanisms to protect the child from his own behaviour then bluntly he isn't going to.

The OP is also entitled to a life not lived on eggshells and the guilt tripping of women to stay with "explosive" partners on the basis that its a journey doesn't make the damage caused by those partners any less.

pikkumyy77 · 02/09/2024 13:29

NPD is what we call a “character strategy” it is a set of responses to trauma, or to life or relationships, where typical responses have hardened over time into a permanent type. He can’t be cured because this works fir him. He can’t be medicated out of it. He can’t be therapied out of it. This is who he us. Fragile. Sulky. Manipulative. Angry. Spiteful. Maybe he is depressed as well but that is because he us a shitty human being who can’t get what he wants all the time.

Codlingmoths · 02/09/2024 13:28

Nonethemiser · 02/09/2024 13:21

The problem with a lot of these mental health disorders is that people have the ability to "mask" but they can't do it all the time and I suspect this is what's going on here. I do feel sympathy for your DH - if he has a therapist he clearly has a problem and if he engages with the therapist he recognises that. The issue for you is whether you believe he can get better, how long might that take and whether you're willing for you, and your son, to go on that journey with him?

The therapist told the op he has narcissistic personality disorder. Do people ‘get better’ from that?

KT6517 · 02/09/2024 13:28

I am not sure if i am repeating something that has been already pointed out so I apologise if I am (I read all your replies but not every single comment in the thread) but with you mentioning that your son is being assessed for autism, has your husband ever been assessed himself? I only ask as there is a genetic component to autism and with him reacting so badly to mess or behaviour he cant control in your son, perhaps there is a level of overwhelm/meltdown going on.
That is not to say that it is acceptable for him to be shouting at you and your son and threatening to leave over minor inconveniences. His mental health is his responsibility to work on primarily and it sounds like you do your best to be supportive.
I hope you find a way to navigate this situation, whether that be as a couple or not x

Ponoka7 · 02/09/2024 13:22

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 09:01

@theworldie yes i know his therapist told me he had a narcissistic personality disorder. He has alot of mental health issues that he struggles with. Its really hard. I'm trying to navigate through it all.

Just leave. Your son will have self esteem issues, then anxiety and anger. You won't parent how you would like to and will also lose self worth. Your DH is going to drag you all down with you. Ask yourself what's the point of you having your DS for your DH to mess up.

Nonethemiser · 02/09/2024 13:21

The problem with a lot of these mental health disorders is that people have the ability to "mask" but they can't do it all the time and I suspect this is what's going on here. I do feel sympathy for your DH - if he has a therapist he clearly has a problem and if he engages with the therapist he recognises that. The issue for you is whether you believe he can get better, how long might that take and whether you're willing for you, and your son, to go on that journey with him?

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 02/09/2024 13:21

pikkumyy77 · 02/09/2024 13:17

Agreed. Could people stop modeling british stiff upper lip parenting for five seconds and stop blaming OP for her child’s excitement and her husband’s hysterical overreaction?

Nothing was going to head off the DH’s temper tantrum that morning. Something is always going to be imperfect with a three year old rushing to get somewhere. On what planet is shrieking orders then having a fit then literally shouting that you will abandon your family good parenting? Why the rush to correct OP for the presumed sin of making a celebration out of going to school while the gob smackingly awful parenting of the dh gets a pass?

Way upthread a PP shrewdly noted that the dh had a breakdown when the child was born and a fit on the child’s first day of school. This man is horrbly damaged and is in competition with his son, abusive and controlling to his wife, and an all round asshole. Stop defending his “prerogative “ to put the child in time out! All of that shrieking and fault finding was just in service of trying to ruin the childs first day of school. It wasn’t necessitated by the spilled toys.

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Sadly, this is something that happens a lot on here. Posters will tie themselves in knots coming up with ways that the man’s blatantly aggressive and unreasonable behaviour was actually the fault of the OP. I don’t know it it’s internalised misogyny or just a desire to knock the OP down a bit. Either way, it’s unhelpful and completely detracts from the issue at hand.

pikkumyy77 · 02/09/2024 13:17

HolidayAtNight · 02/09/2024 12:58

If you read about someone having an angry outburst following a minor incident, and your kneejerk response is, "What did the OP do to cause this? How should she better tiptoe around his temper? What ways can I suggest that would make this out to be at least partially her fault?" that is not a healthy reaction.

Agreed. Could people stop modeling british stiff upper lip parenting for five seconds and stop blaming OP for her child’s excitement and her husband’s hysterical overreaction?

Nothing was going to head off the DH’s temper tantrum that morning. Something is always going to be imperfect with a three year old rushing to get somewhere. On what planet is shrieking orders then having a fit then literally shouting that you will abandon your family good parenting? Why the rush to correct OP for the presumed sin of making a celebration out of going to school while the gob smackingly awful parenting of the dh gets a pass?

Way upthread a PP shrewdly noted that the dh had a breakdown when the child was born and a fit on the child’s first day of school. This man is horrbly damaged and is in competition with his son, abusive and controlling to his wife, and an all round asshole. Stop defending his “prerogative “ to put the child in time out! All of that shrieking and fault finding was just in service of trying to ruin the childs first day of school. It wasn’t necessitated by the spilled toys.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/09/2024 13:12

Sounds like your husband had a tantrum, not the toddler.

Original poster

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 13:12

@Twitchyeyebrow I found out I was pregnant at the start of Covid lockdown, DH had already been overseas for 1 year, we travelled back and forth each week to see each other. Covid had a massive impact on my industry and my company went into administration, I lost my job whilst pregnant. I basically never left DH country where he was working (we are both from the UK). I had complications in my pregnancy that impacted both me and my DS and I could sense then that my DH mental state was declining. He had a breakdown as my DS turned 1. DS is now almost 4.
I can't work in my past career as it doesn't exist here but last year I went back to uni and retrained, finished my course in Spring. I haven't been able to tackle the job market yet as I haven't had childcare until now (with my DS starting school) - he has only been in part time up until now. So i'm trying to get back on my feet. I never would have chosen to be a SAHM and give up my independence but it's the way my life went. I have loved spending time with my DS but need to create my own stability. I'm just trying to figure out how.

OP posts:

Peachy2005 · 02/09/2024 13:11

Codlingmoths · 02/09/2024 13:05

if his therapist is telling you he has narcissistic personality disorder, I suspect they are telling you to take ds and run. He can be nice to everyone but you and his 3yo son- that’s exactly what both many abusers and not necessarily abusive but just nasty assholes are like. I think you just tell him this is affecting ds now as well as your mental health , you no longer have a shit to give about his mental health when it means he treats you so badly all the time, you’re human too, and you are calling it quits.

^^Agree with this. They can’t tell you outright to leave him but they are hoping you will read between the lines and save yourself and your DS.

Starlight1979 · 02/09/2024 13:11

Testina · 02/09/2024 12:37

I’m still calling bullshit though 🤷🏻‍♀️
If he can manage his “anger” around his friends, Mr Life & Soul of the Party could manage it around his THREE year old. Just another bullying abusive prick, depression or no depression.

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Yeah this absolutely.

IWasHittingMyMarks · 02/09/2024 13:10

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 10:32

@Tatiepot yes this is what I wonder. To our friends hes very extroverted, charming, the life and soul of the party, personable. But at home its a like a pendulum, i don't know what mood he is going to be in, day to day. When i spoke to his therapist she said that it was his battle to deal with and I need to stop trying to manage it or it will impact my mental health.
We went on holiday over the summer and for 10 days he wouldn't only speak to me with 1 or 2 word answers, basically didn't speak to me unless I asked a question. I could sense he was angry but he wouldn't tell me why. We holidayed in the same place as friends and he was 'normal' around them.
After 10 days I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and I didn't want to be married to someone like this and we should figure out how to separate and then he cried and apologised, said he was depressed, his behaviour was not ok, and I didn't ubderstand how he felt. Its a cycle that seems to be happening more frequently. I am looking at my options of leaving. I wouldn't stay in a marriage like this but I also wouldn't walk away without knowing we had tried everything. We have been under alot of stress -being overseas, son with suspected autism, work, family dramas.

So he can easily pick and choose when to behave 'normally' and treat everyone except you with common courtesy and respect.

He's not depressed. He's an arsehole.

Codlingmoths · 02/09/2024 13:05

if his therapist is telling you he has narcissistic personality disorder, I suspect they are telling you to take ds and run. He can be nice to everyone but you and his 3yo son- that’s exactly what both many abusers and not necessarily abusive but just nasty assholes are like. I think you just tell him this is affecting ds now as well as your mental health , you no longer have a shit to give about his mental health when it means he treats you so badly all the time, you’re human too, and you are calling it quits.