First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

Having depression doesn’t excuse bad behaviour. Threatening to leave the home in front of your child is abusive. I grew up with a dad who had untreated mental health issues, was angry and volatile, completely unpredictable and behaved very similarly to what you’re describing. It was a horrible existence, walking on eggshells and never feeling safe or relaxed in the one place I should have been able to. I remember coming home from school every day and starting to feel sick when I turned the corner to my street, not knowing what I was going to walk into. Would he be angry and shouting? Would he blank me? My siblings and I have struggled with the effects of this into adulthood. Please don’t allow this to happen to your son.

@Aperolling28 I'm not going to repeat what has been said here and many PP have a lot of experience in MH issues that I don't.
But I also live abroad where neither me nor DH have family (apart from our DC) and I wanted to add that before considering divorce/splitting, check what the custody situation would be.
Since your DS was born there and you've all lived there ever since, that ia his country of residence and depending which country that is (but in most cases) a Court would rule that you couldn't just take him back to the UK. Meaning you would need to keep living there so the father would also have access to the son.
Good luck

Thanks @alertcat And @thatscute that makes sense!

Your DH has been diagnosed with NPD and is emotionally abusing you and your child.

You need to leave.

My adopted dad has NPD.

My self esteem barely recovered and I spend years in hospital for anorexia in my teens/twenties.

You need to protect your son.
My brother is exactly like his Dad. Would you want your son to turn out like him?

Hope you're OK. Of the three of you I'd say you bore the brunt and had the worse morning, the beauty of being a 3 year old and an asshole man is they're over it by now

OP I have known several people who have been clinically depressed but that's no excuse for being angry and aggressive with a 3 year old. I know lack of sleep makes people uptight but you have not had much sleep but you don't take it out on a 3 year old. I'd be telling DH to wake up to himself. He's risking losing his family with his tantrums. His DS must be terrified when his Dad shouts at him. It's not fair on the 3 year old.

OP I've only read your own posts so it's possible someone else has mentioned this. But please be very careful about the possibility of splitting up abroad with a child in the mix. If you wanted to return to the UK with your DS it could get very messy. Is there any chance you could all move back now and see how things go on home turf so you are more protected if things go south?

I don’t know .. life would be easier alone than with him !! he’s hard work and a shit dad

I’m sorry op, but your DH is a really shit parent and partner by the sounds of it. Your son is 3. Getting screamed at (twice in a couple of days) by someone who’s supposed to love and protect you is really shitty. Do you want him growing up terrified of his father? Repressing his emotions, because he knows that when he tries to articulate his feelings he is going to end up abused emotionally and verbally (possibly worse if you aren’t around to intervene). I don’t think I would want that for my child op. An old colleague of mine had a DM diagnosed with NPD and it really messed her up. I knew her in her early 50s and she was still processing the impact her mother had had on her.

And actually the OP was pretty restrained with her ‘yes, but only if you control your temper’. I’d have said ‘no I don’t want you to come, when you’re behaving like that’.

I can't help noticing that it was the son who got a 'time out' while it was the father who needed it. He now needs a very long time out.

But then went on to give reasons why he was justified. There was no justification for his twattish behaviour.

OP, god help you and god help your child.

One word answers gor 10 days.
Who cares what is wrong with him.
You are being abused.
Your child is being abused.
Every day.
Reach out to family and friends.
Get the hell away from him.
He is not a project for you to fix.
Please put your child first and start organising yourself to get away from this highly abusive man.

I'd begin by asking him to read articles about the behaviour & developmental stages of pre- school children. If the child has autistic traits it might be worthwhile to add some personal research into the mix and try to make sense of it all. It sounds like your DH isn't coping as well as he could with this stage of parenting.

I was surprised that it seemed a big thing. I am not surprised about the Montessori school. The idea that each child builds itself and re-invents the wheel to progress undermines a child's sense of self and of order - discovery learning, finding the learning within oneself, working at a pace at unco-ordinated tasks etc. is deeply disturbing when it's not how learning works.

Your child is 3... And i assume a tiny size compared to your husband....can you imagine being shouted at by someone that much bigger than you so much you are inconsolable..... And then being threatened...

Seriously this is not good for your child.....i would be taking him at his word and asking him not to come back.... Until he can control himself... His mental health needs do not outweigh the damage he is doing to your childs..

I had a similar thing today. I have a week old baby haven't slept for two nights. I lost it with my 3 year old son, threatened to move out (Whilst crying) but only I was saying I was a bad mum ect.

Once I calmed down I apologised to My 3 year old and everything and everyone was fine. My 3 year old happily went off to pre school.

Maybe have a chat with DH once things have calmed down. Lack of sleep and high emotions create things like this.

Surely life is too short for living like this. I’d tell him you want him to leave. Sorry op but you and your child deserve better.

The therapist is dropping the biggest possible hint for you to end the relationship, I just imagine she isn't allowed to expressly say it. Please don't let this man traumatise your child.

I think you missed the bit of my post where i said "...he really shouldn't have been shouting in the first place. "

Having read all the OP’s posts I realise it is a long drip feed and her present worries are nothing at all to do with what happened on DS’s first day of preschool. Why ask for our opinions on something that in the grand scheme of things is totally irrelevant?

You do not have to take parenting lessons from randoms on the internet when your house is burning down. The therapist is right not to take both of you on in couples therapy as your dh is abusing you—by abusing the privilege if being the most needy because of his mental health issues.

So 1) it is contraindicated to see an abused person and her abuser in therapy and 2) he is not the most vulnerable person in the household. That is your son.

For your dh therapy is basically a kind of dialysis. He needs it weekly but its not going to cure him. He will never gain empathy or insight.

For you therapy might have a purpose: to help you leave before he destroys you and your child.

There is a really long, years long, thread here by jamaisjadore (if that was her nym) which started by her noticing her dh’s sulky treatment of her and which ended with his decomposition and breakdown when his NPD was revealed snd he couldn’t compensate for the shame. It took her years to get divorced but the relationship became progressively more untenable.