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AIBU?

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Original poster

First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

266 replies

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:13

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

OP posts:
Wendysfriend · 02/09/2024 08:31

Oh god your update is worse, so your DH wasn't even up with your ds during the night 😔

Pigeonqueen · 02/09/2024 08:30

Feel really sorry for your Ds. He’s clearly worried and stressed about starting school. Your dh was an arse.

IVFmumoftwo · 02/09/2024 08:29

Is he on anti depressants? My husband has depression and he isn't angry.

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2024 08:28

Your DH needs to learn to control himself.

Original poster
Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:27

@bringincrazyback no he doesn't. But he does suffer from depression and often it manifests as anger. Yesterday we were supposed to leave in the morning for a family day out and it took an hour to get everything/one ready. 5 mins before we get ready to leave DS says he doesn't want to go. DH flips out and starts shouting, DS is crying hysterically. DH then storms off to the gym.
Again, i get its frustrating but I would have handled it differently and just taken DS out of the house. Once we are out, he's fine. So i spent the morning with DS for a few hours and DH joined later.

I do think we are probably all a bit ratty. But i can empathise with DS because i've been up with him for 2 nights and i'm tired and grumpy too, whilst DH has slept through it all.

OP posts:
Wendysfriend · 02/09/2024 08:27

Yes tiredness does bring out the worst in people but your DH could have walked out of the room to calm down. What's the point of a time out that hour in the morning, a warning should have been enough, all it did was made your child miss breakfast so he went to his first day at school tired and hungry. If you were there doing it I'm sure things would have run differently.

Backtothedungeon · 02/09/2024 08:27

I can see why your DH was upset. If you disagreed with how he was handling it you should have discussed it later rather than undermining him at the time. Saying he's going to move out as a result is a massive overreaction though unless there are other issues in your relationship. Hopefully you will all get more sleep tonight and everyone will feel more rational tomorrow.

Chocolateorange22 · 02/09/2024 08:26

Quite an extreme reaction. Getting ready on the first day back is always tense for everyone though but as stressed as we are I wouldn't expect that threat from DH. I'd perhaps talk with him this evening once DS is in bed and things are calmer.

I might also gently suggest if DS has slept awfully to not fly a million and one questions when you pick him up today. Restraint collapse will be full on. I see so many parents on the first day ask constant questions, chivvy them along and get in their faces on pick up. They then wonder why they are having a major meltdown on the walk home from over stimulation. I know with my own DS3 I kind of just have to not talk to him (awful I know) if I actually want to walk home with him using his own legs. Talk to him and it's like sensory overload and he just sits on the pavement grunting and refusing to move 🤣.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 02/09/2024 08:25

He sounds like a dick. I do think you made too much of a deal out of pre school though. It's not good for kids to have a big fuss around transitions and teaches them to feel anxious as the adults in their lives make it bigger than it needs to be.

Milsonophonia · 02/09/2024 08:23

I tried very hard to have kids with someone who wasn't emotionally immature.

It's a shame he couldn't have put your ds first in this scenario.

EveryKneeShallBow · 02/09/2024 08:23

Call DH’s bluff. Tell him to bugger off and not come back unless he can behave like a grown up. You can do without a great big sulky baby to deal with.

You are all tired and stressed. You are all on edge. DH’s stress doesn’t top yours. He deals with it or he leaves. Tell him to grow up.

lateatwork · 02/09/2024 08:22

I'm sorry.. seems like both boys in your house were acting like 3 year olds today....

Arsey thing for your husband to do. The morning was about your son. Who was tired and most likely excited /anxious/ overwhelmed/ scared etc etc about starting at a new place. I too would have cut your son some slack.

I hope he has a wonderful day!! (And let the school know he hasn't eaten- they maybe able to give him some fruit..)

Boomer55 · 02/09/2024 08:21

Tiredness and a stroppy, tired, anxious child doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. Discuss things when everyone has had some sleep. 🙂

IVFmumoftwo · 02/09/2024 08:21

Why do both need to take him to the preschool? It will unsettled him if you make a big fuss. Why were both of you up losing sleep? You should take it in turns.

bringincrazyback · 02/09/2024 08:18

Does he often threaten to move out? Seems like a very extreme reaction.

Candaceowens · 02/09/2024 08:16

Sounds like everyone is tired and aggy. To be honest I see this as a kiss and make up situation, nothing worth breaking up a family over.