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AIBU?

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Original poster

First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

266 replies

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:13

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 02/09/2024 08:53

It's hypocritical, isn't it, that a 3 year old boy is being held to higher standards than an adult man. 3 year old isn't allowed a tantrum or poor behaviour on the morning of starting a new school but a grown adult is allowed to storm out.

(You're not the hypocritical one, OP - your DH is. He is the one holding himself to lower standards than his 3 year old child.)

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 02/09/2024 08:50

Your DH seems like a bit of an arsehole, who blames you and expects you to take responsibility for a 3 year old being 3 years old. He is being a crap parent and having depression doesn't give him a free pass to be so selfish. He needs to be sat down and told a few home truths.

SanctusInDistress · 02/09/2024 08:50

My husband does this, overreacts at the slightest and then turns on me. After he has shouted for a bit and got it out of his system he calms down, but I feel
awful afterwards as all I’ve done is absorb his anger from him. It’s shattering and soul destroying.

Original poster
Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:50

@LadyPenelope68 i'm not following. In what way did i create a big hype about my son starting preschool that he would have felt. As far as he's concerned mummy got him dressed and took him to school like normal, its just a new school. I didn't make a big deal out of it to him.
I just would have preferred my DH hadn't shouted at him this morning so he might have eaten his breakfast and gone in feeling happy rather than upset.
By the time we had walked to school and got there he had calmed down, and ran straight in which was great

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/09/2024 08:48

Your children can't continue to live with his explosive anger over nothing. Especially when it's aimed at them.

May09Bump · 02/09/2024 08:47

Testina · 02/09/2024 08:40

I wouldn’t want him around my child. You can still have a relationship and be married with him living somewhere else, to protect your child from this shitty environment.

Show quote history

I have to agree with this and I wouldn't leave DS alone with your DH either.

SauviGone · 02/09/2024 08:45

What a way to send your child off to school, your DH sounds like a total prick.

You DC at the age of 3 will already be starting to learn to walk on eggshells around daddy.

Is that what you want?

SlugsWon · 02/09/2024 08:45

LadyPenelope68 · 02/09/2024 08:42

Sounds like you’ve both handled the situation badly. Your husband has totally over-reacted, but you’ve also made such a big hype of starting nursery that is totally not needed.

Making a big hype over a big day does not equate to threatening to leave your family in front of a 3 year old. One is maybe a little bit OTT, but well intentioned and unlikely to cause harm. The other is abusive.

I'll let you decide which is which

OfficerChurlish · 02/09/2024 08:44

Has he talked with his therapist specifically about ways to manage his (seemingly very misplaced, in the examples you've given) anger and other overwhelming emotions? He seems to lose all perspective and context and just let loose. And he seems to have no concept of how a child thinks and cats, despite having had one for three plus years. Obviously I don't know his exact condition, but there are techniques and tools he can at least try to learn.

Overtired or not, married or single, this should be a HUGE priority for him. He's probably scaring the wits out of DS, and he's putting hugely unfair burden on you when he has just as much responsibility for parenting. What if you'd BOTH had tantrums and BOTH decided to move out and leave DS to go to his first day of school alone? What if you'd both stormed out to the gym, the previous morning, and left a 3yo alone crying? It's just not an option.

If he is seriously thinking of leaving, it's even more important that he get it together so he can be a competent parent as he'll be doing his part of it solo.

endofthelinefinally · 02/09/2024 08:44

This is really poor parenting from both of you. Your little boy is only 3. What a lot of needless drama and anxiety you have created. Your DH is immature and very selfish. I suppose you have to decide whether things would be calmer/ easier without him.

GingerPirate · 02/09/2024 08:44

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2024 08:28

Your DH needs to learn to control himself.

Or be single.
It's the best.

Original poster
Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:43

@Hmmmmamilucky i think for context today felt like a big deal for us because we had put our son into a montessori preschool last year and he hated it, we had loads of problems, the school said they thought DS had autism, they couldn't cope and eventually we parted ways. It was stressful and upsetting. We are overseas and think the language barrier didn't help. But DS has had an assessment and we are awaiting results. To be honest I don't think he does or if he does he is very high functioning.

Over the last couple of months he has really changed, made lots of progress and I think alot of the issues we had at the old school were down to him being too young, general 3 year old behaviour, and in the wrong setting. In the interim he went to a small English preschool and loved it, no issues.
So today really felt like a fresh start. He had already been to the orientation day. DH works remotely so it was easy enough for him to join.

OP posts:
LaughingElderberry · 02/09/2024 08:43

You may not understand what it's like for him.

But he clearly doesn't understand the impact that his behaviour is having on you and your son.

These angry outbursts are going to condition your 3 year-old to learn that Daddy is someone that needs to be tip-toed around, that he's volatile and inconsistent and therefore not a consistent figure in his life. And that he needs to moderate himself around Daddy, because otherwise Daddy will get angry and threaten to leave.

If he is struggling with his mental health so badly that he can't control his behaviour then he needs to live somewhere else. The cynic in me says that I bet he doesn't behave like this at work though.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 02/09/2024 08:42

This is not going to get better.

Do you want your son to grow up around an adult who cannot control his anger/tantrums? I certainly wouldn't.

Bornnotbourne · 02/09/2024 08:42

Have you noticed that other peoples milestones are turned into the focus on your husband? If my timing is right he had a breakdown when your son was born and now is having one when he goes to nursery? I hope your son won’t have all his milestones marred by his father.

LadyPenelope68 · 02/09/2024 08:42

Sounds like you’ve both handled the situation badly. Your husband has totally over-reacted, but you’ve also made such a big hype of starting nursery that is totally not needed.

Testina · 02/09/2024 08:40

Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:37

@TheyWentToSeaInASieve yeh that's exactly how I feel. I am quite open with him about how it makes me feel but all he can say is he's depressed. He had a mental breakdown 3 years ago, spent 6 weeks in hospital and has seen a psychiatrist and therapist ever since. Occasionally I see his therapist too with and without him. But both her and I have noticed a change in his mental health.
I have discussed separating with him, which is the last thing I want to do but it's really hard when he behaves like this. He says I don't understand what its like to have depression. But to be honest life is alot easier when he isn't around.

I wouldn’t want him around my child. You can still have a relationship and be married with him living somewhere else, to protect your child from this shitty environment.

Sartre · 02/09/2024 08:39

I wouldn’t have made such a big deal over starting nursery personally. I understand it’s a big deal for you but it sounds like you have worked up your DS, hence him not sleeping for two nights. He’s only three so didn’t really need the anticipation of it, as though it’s some sort of big event. I don’t think both of you needed to drop him off personally either.

Your DH behaved like a dick though, yes. Threatening to move out is extreme. Guessing he’s just knackered and hopefully he apologises when he’s calmed down.

NoWayRose · 02/09/2024 08:39

The three-year/old is expected to be a model citizen while he has big nuclear tantrum himself

SummerSplashing · 02/09/2024 08:38

I'd tell him no, don't come, stay here & pack a couple of bags to take with you,. You can collect the rest later.

I would not be putting up with his threats or tantrums.

you were both being unreasonable about the toys, he's 3, he's not slept well. You've made a big fuss about a new setting - so he's worrying, what would it really have mattered if he'd tipped the toys out? Yes it's messy, but a lot less of a drama than this!!

Testina · 02/09/2024 08:38

he does suffer from depression and often it manifests as anger

Bullshit.

Hmmmmamilucky · 02/09/2024 08:37

Your DH sounds like a stroppy idiot. However, why do you both need to take him? Much easier in our household when just one of us does (normally me) otherwise too stressful rushing around on what is probably already a stressful day. Reminds me of when our grandparents once came to stay and they insisted on both taking DD to school and the dog 😂. Never seen so much faff and stress just leaving the house. But on a serious note, is this a one off from DH or is he often like this?

Original poster
Aperolling28 · 02/09/2024 08:37

@TheyWentToSeaInASieve yeh that's exactly how I feel. I am quite open with him about how it makes me feel but all he can say is he's depressed. He had a mental breakdown 3 years ago, spent 6 weeks in hospital and has seen a psychiatrist and therapist ever since. Occasionally I see his therapist too with and without him. But both her and I have noticed a change in his mental health.
I have discussed separating with him, which is the last thing I want to do but it's really hard when he behaves like this. He says I don't understand what its like to have depression. But to be honest life is alot easier when he isn't around.

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 02/09/2024 08:34

I'd be having serious words with your DH - threatening to move out in ear shot of a child who can understand is abusive. You might shrug it off but your poor child is now at preschool wondering if daddy will still live with him. And if it hasn't gone in this time then it may well next time. Do not let him get away with it.

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 02/09/2024 08:32

I live with one of these. I was hoping things would get easier with time. But now the children are 13, it seems to be even worse. We all walk around on egg shells in a permanent state of anxiety. It's depressing.