First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

Since your husband has diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, his personality is fixed and this is who he is and will be. Its exacerbated by his depression, but he will always be very difficult to live with. Who decided to stop his medication? There is absolutely nothing you have said that indicates that he is working on himself at all. I'm surprised so much therapy and support is available to him. Do you have a health insurance system where you live? Is he actually trying to help himself at all?

The relief of leaving a narcissist is immense. Your life will be so much easier without him. You need to protect your son. Your partner will not do this. You deserve a happy life OP.

One small thing - I would ask his therapist whether he expresses a lot of hostility towards you or your child in the care setting and whether he thoughts of harming you or your child. Remind them that your aim to safeguard your child. This will impact on your options.

You definitely need your own therapist, completely separate to your H's care.

quite a few parents do the school run together (always makes me a bit jealous as a single parent!)

Really? Be thankful you don't have a man like OP's partner around.

I grew up my son as a single parent and he turned out just fine. Better that than a grown-up child parent making it all about himself.

Feel so sorry for that poor wee 3-year-old boy. He's going to grow up a troubled child.

"Undermining his parenting"
Sorry wtf if someone, anyone, whether it's his Dad or anyone else is disproportionately SHOUTING at my child I will DEFEND my child that isn't undermining that's PROTECTING!
And yes I'm only human and I've raised my voice in the past- and apologised immediately not stormed off in a fucking pathetic hissy fit, threatened to leave and made everyone feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Sorry but he's a cunt.

Its perfectly legal and responsible for the therapist to give you a one on one session if you have been included in sessions with your DH previously (which I believe you were). There is also something called “duty to warn” which therapists take quite seriously which is we have a duty to warn if our patient has indicated they can orcwill harm another person.

Your DH’s therapist gave you his diagnosis because its so serious you can’t have a normal, safe, marriage with him. His paranoia, npd, lack of empathy make him a poor candidate for marriage and fatherhood. Get outcas fast as you safely can. Don’t worry that other people like him. Just shrug and say “horses for courses.”

If he doesn’t have any empathy then I can’t imagine this will ever be a healthy relationship for your son. He needs good male role models. Have you got family in Britain who you could move closer to? It’s difficult being a single parent but at least you wouldn’t be walking on eggshells and your son will have good relationships.

Apparently your child was inconsolable

That's a pretty big deal

He obviously can't be left with his father who is a total wanker

You might as well be a single parent ....life would be way simpler on the anger and emotional fronts

Well maybe he could practice being a more effective parent instead of a big bully looking to dominate 3 year olds.

The husband’s task was to get the child ready for pre-school in the available time. But he chose he to waste time on the stand-off/time out /screaming child because that was his personal goal. To maximize the unpleasantness for others because… that’s who he is.

You have assumed good intent on behalf of the husband whereas anyone who has lived with this dynamic (and therefore is not hopelessly naive) is fully aware of what is actually happening. How many more times do you think DH will be getting child ready before OP gets the message that it’s actually her responsibility? My guess is the child will have got a telling off from him for being a baby crying/upsetting daddy/ needing to do what he’s told.

The fact he is defending the indefensible shows you what’s happening.

He was overreacting but I can see why he’s upset. You are both his parents equally so even though you wouldn’t have made the same call, it’s unfair for you to criticise his parenting decision (unless he was to do something that is harmful/cruel to a child- a time-out isn’t IMO). How would you feel if he judged something you said or did to your child?

Most sensible answer I have seen - and one I had not thought of, but so true!

If his therapist has said that he has NPD have you read up on it Op? That’s a huge, huge thing and if you had your own therapist they would tell you to run, run, run - not only for your own sake but for your child’s.

Bumblebeestiltskin timeouts can definitely work - just watch Supernanny.

GivingitToGod the OP’s DH gave the timeout, not the OP.

This isn’t anything to do with depression. It is to do with finding out how much he can do before you start to fight back

Be very very careful of the type of person he is presenting you as.
Friends already think he is a completely different person

wouldn't stay in a marriage like this but I also wouldn't walk away without knowing we had tried everything

Who is doing the trying?

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work.

No matter how hard you try if 1 spouse isn’t bothered and has their own agenda then the other should stop wasting their time.

That’s all very well but I wouldn’t have commented at all if I had known it was such a complicated relationship issue. I thought it was a childcare issue. I know a lot more about children than I do about men. Glad you’ve got what you needed from the post all the same.

Has your husband come back and managed to have a sensible conversation about this, OP?

After reading about your husband, I would insist on him doing an anger management course and a study on child development.
He should not be allowed to be ignorant about what a three year old is like and he should never be allowed to inflict his angry outburst on others - regardless of whether he is in full breakdown mode or not.
Yes, asking your child to cease throwing toys about was reasonable and your child should have stopped but to respond with an adult anger tantrum is not a fair response.

Your husband needs more options in his tool kit. He needs to learn from a professional, someone who has no emotionsl relationship with him.. He needs more skills ready for the future however it turn out.

Your poor son, being subject to the maelstrom of his father's moods. It is little wonder that he sometimes presents as challenging. This is not an healthy environment for a child to be raised in, but you seem more preoccupied by treading on eggshells around your husband's mental illness and unpredictable behaviour.

And it was an unusual situation, caused entirely by being over tired. Make up, forgive and set some things in place that ensures one parent gets some sleep every night, boundaries are always kept re child getting away with being bratty and not listening to a reasonable request by a parent.
Be more organised on school mornings, dressed, never miss breakfast (sometimes in car).

@Aperolling28 "i don't know why you think there was some drama about DS first day. There wasn't any of my doing. Your son's first day at school was exactly my son's first day. I got my son dressed, packed his kit to take, and took him to school, he ran straight in, didn't look back and had a great morning. There were no tears last night or this morning related to going to school - he was upset by DS shouting at him. It is not uncommon for DH to drop off/pick up at preschool because he works remotely and is easily able to do so.
It was more of a big deal for us because 7 months ago we had DS enrolled into a montessori preschool and he hated it, cried every morning, didn't want to get dressed or leave the house and the school couldn't cope with him. He became withdrawn and it was a very stressful time. But thats in the past, he did eally well today."

This is all utterly irrelevant now. Stop focussing on it. It's a smokescreen.

The point is - you have had it professionally confirmed that your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder.

He consciously chooses to present Mr Nice Guy - everywhere but to the people he should be kindest to.

While he deliberately treats you both like shit.

Wake up, OP,

This man won't change.

But you have been choosing to expose your helpless little boy to this for three years.

Enabling his father to inflict this trauma on him.

His developing brain is being damaged by what he's observing and experiencing.

He will live with this damage for the rest of his life, and so will his future partner and children - if you don't adult up and do the one thing you need to do to protect him. And yourself.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Poor, poor 3 year old child.
New school, no sleep, no emotional regulation because he's THREE. No logical thoughts or actions because he's THREE.
Timeout for moving toys????
Poor, poor child!

So he can control himself (mask?) when required for extended periods? Sounds like a proper arse. Please get your poor child away from him. Does your ds have a British passport? Is his usual place of residence where yard now/can you leave and live independently?

Do you want to go back to the UK? It sounds like that's the best place for you and your son.

I gave no justification for his behaviour. It was unjustified. Think you're mistaking me for someone else.