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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

241 replies

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:34

I am/was close to DP’s mum. DP and I are getting married in two weeks. Of course we invited STB MIL and DPs sister and brother. None of them are coming,

DP’s sister said she didn’t want to use up a days annual leave (she’s known about our wedding for months) and MIL is just not going because SIL is not going. When DP said she should still come, MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry).

BIL’s wife is expecting a baby imminently and he lives far out, so his reasoning I can understand.

I rarely talk about our wedding but when I did briefly mention something over dinner one evening, it was clear MIL wasn’t interested and she changed the subject.

It also smarts that when we announced our engagement, not one of DH’s siblings, or MIL so much as congratulated him. Yet if MIL stumps her toe, we’re expected to be by her bedside.

DH will have none of his family at our wedding. I have seen MIL in a new light and I am growing resentful of her. I couldn’t imagine not attending my future DC wedding. I’m quite hurt.

AIBU or is her reasoning valid?

OP posts:
Runnerinthenight · 01/09/2024 22:58

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

For your brother's wedding? Seriously?!

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:58

@Testina I’m posting now because I’m genuinely confused as to whether it’s me BU for potentially upsetting MIL for expecting her to come when (she says) it will be difficult for her. It’s been on my mind but I feel like I can’t raise it.

OP posts:
westernlights · 01/09/2024 22:58

Is she religious? Have either of you been married before?
This might have an impact how she feels, albeit old fashioned views

Bellyblueboy · 01/09/2024 22:56

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

For your siblings wedding??? How odd. I assume there is significant bad blood.

I take days off work to do incredibly boring stuff. Wouldn’t hesitate to take a day off to attend a wedding.

Wellshellsbells · 01/09/2024 22:56

Fuck …..and I can’t stress this enough again this evening ….them bitches!!!

MrsBungle · 01/09/2024 22:55

This is so weird. I’d cut them out. They clearly don’t care about you both which is horrible.

Testina · 01/09/2024 22:55

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:53

They haven’t just dropped out, they’ve said no from the beginning when they were invited.

What’s made you post about it now then, 2 weeks out? Did you think they were going to change their minds?

BarbaraHoward · 01/09/2024 22:55

What would her side of it be? It's just such a strange decision, nothing you've written here explains it but they must have a reason. Is it on a school day and SIL is a teacher? Is it on FIL's birthday or anniversary?

Are they hurt you didn't consult them on the date?

This is the kind of decision that breaks families, there must be a reason.

SantasRubiksCube · 01/09/2024 22:55

I'd say this is their not so passive aggressive way of saying they dislike or disapprove of you and the wedding. I understand it though, my DHs parents at first weren't going to come to our wedding as they 'didnt want to leave the dog alone too long' even though we were just having a small ceremony in the same town, and they managed to leave the dog to go to DHs brothers wedding. Even though we hadn't had any arguments or falling out, I took it as that it was because they didn't want him marrying me. DH explained to them it would upset him if they weren't there as would be his only family attending (very small family and DHs brother is an arsehole) they literally came to see us get married, have one photo then went home. At the time it meant the world to DH that they attended but not long after we were married they went NC with us so I understand how hurtful and difficult it can be to understand when at the end of the day you've done nothing wrong. If they insist on not coming then I'd distance myself from them in the future, they obviously don't care that much about your DP if they're willing to miss him getting married for pathetic excuses.

Testina · 01/09/2024 22:54

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You are aware that huge swathes of the population work on weekends?

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:53

They haven’t just dropped out, they’ve said no from the beginning when they were invited.

OP posts:
Testina · 01/09/2024 22:53

CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:48

DP is bothered by it but doesn’t see the point in causing upset over it. I’m closer to MIL than he is and it’s strangely bothering me more even though she’s not my DM.

I can’t imagine her doing this to SIL.

DP is very reserved and I’ve said after this I will be keeping my distance, but he thinks I’ll be causing unnecessary bad feeling.

These differences between you, his passivity, and the fact he’ll try to stop you standing up for yourself… honesty, that dynamic could cause you issues in your marriage in future. It’s hard to believe that he’s genuinely not bothered about this, rather than has defensively trained himself not to be bothered.

I’m surprised you describe yourself as close to her… I’d have but the distance in after she was so rude when you announced the wedding.

Both of your reactions to her just don’t seem healthy.

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:52

DP doesn’t seem overly bothered by it, but I am angered by the selfishness of it. DP doesn’t want to cause problems that he doesn’t care about.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 01/09/2024 22:52

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

You wouldn't take a day's annual leave to attend your DC's wedding?

How odd.

Noseybookworm · 01/09/2024 22:52

I would be hurt as she doesn't have a good reason not to attend, she just doesn't want to. I wouldn't make a fuss, I would just get on and have a lovely wedding without her. But I would cut right back on making an effort with her. She has shown you how much she values your relationship!

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:51

@NewName24 There is no backstory. MIL and I have always got on. It’s as simple as I am saying. I see MIL more than DP does.

It is hard to describe but I feel like I’m part of their family, but then they’ll do something (like this) or say somethimg to make it clear I’m not. I find it very confusing.

OP posts:
outdamnedspots · 01/09/2024 22:51

This sounds insane, if you say there is no bad feeling.

If they don't come, I would go very LC.

ThisBlueCrab · 01/09/2024 22:50

Sorry but her reasoning is ridiculous.

One of my best mates from school lost her dad a year ago, her and her mum both came to my wedding 2 weeks ago. Her mum sobbed her heart out because it was the first formal event since he passed but she came because she loves me.

Sounds like there is more going on behind the scenes. I would tell her outright that if she fails to attend then she is ending your relationship and you will have nothing further to do with her.

Janwholovesjam · 01/09/2024 22:49

Be careful OP….She is showing you who she is and the power she has over your life. Every occasion will be about her feelings.
If I were you I would just smile and say no problem. Absolutely do not set a precedent that if she behaves like this you’ll beg and plead and bend over backwards to accommodate her wishes.

Edingril · 01/09/2024 22:48

Annual leave so it is a weekday wedding?

If so no I would not be taking a days annual leave

Original poster
CheeseSnacker · 01/09/2024 22:48

DP is bothered by it but doesn’t see the point in causing upset over it. I’m closer to MIL than he is and it’s strangely bothering me more even though she’s not my DM.

I can’t imagine her doing this to SIL.

DP is very reserved and I’ve said after this I will be keeping my distance, but he thinks I’ll be causing unnecessary bad feeling.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 01/09/2024 22:47

I am finding it hard to believe there is no backstory you aren't telling us, as there is no sense at all in his sister just 'not wanting to use a day's AL' nor his DM's pathetic excuse.

Nor in the fact that neither of you have expressed your disbelief and anger at the fact they just can't be bothered to come. It just doesn't ring true at all.

Wwyd2025 · 01/09/2024 22:47

I think I'd drop all contact with them for that.

Testina · 01/09/2024 22:47

How long have you know they’re not coming? Have they literally dropped out now with 2 weeks notice?

MeAgainAndAgain · 01/09/2024 22:46

What does your DP think? Some people simply aren’t bothered about this kind of thing, like birthdays or Mother’s Day etc.

For him, is it simply admin with a cake? And the important bit is the marriage in the years to come?