To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

Is there a golden child / scapegoat dynamic going on in the family. E.g. SIL can do no wrong in MIL’s eyes, your DP can do no right or is always ignored.

His passive acceptance, and his fear that you withdrawing will cause trouble suggests it to me.

If so, you can’t win. The only way to have peace is not to engage with them.

Has anyone said it’s “stubs” your toe, not stumps? Haven’t RTFT

I would start distancing yourself from them OP. Don't have a major fall out of your DP wants to maintain good relations. However stop any contact outside of what your DP organises.

@CheeseSnacker , could you offer MIL a plus 1? Does she have a best friend or sister or cousin that could come to support her? It sounds like SIL is her emotional support usually.

I'm guessing your dp is use to their behaviour when he asks something of them so this is less of a surprise.

I'd be furious on his behalf and would struggle to make an effort with any of them going forward.

If you asked him to make a fuss FOR YOU....because it means a lot TO YOU for MIL and SIL to be at the wedding......what would he say and do?

Distance yourself is my advice
My husband's family are totally uninterested in our lives or children so I literally haven't bothered for many years.
If they make no effort then don't make any back

It's absolutely horrendous she's not attending, and not something I'd ever be able to forgive.

I've never ever known a parent not attend a wedding through choice.

Take a step back. A big step. In the future, she’ll not be there for your children or at any other time you might need help or support, and it will only lead to hurt if you expect anything at all from her. She doesn’t see you or your DP - her son! - as important.

As others have said, wild horses wouldn’t keep me from my children’s weddings.

Your dh sounds a bit wet...neither of you will tell her how you feel about this situation.

OP, I find this strange. I read all your updates and can’t fathom why MIL would not attend. Considering you have been a couple for 8 years and have a close relationship. Maybe a heart-to-heart with MIL and DP may help.

I second that.

MIL isn't in a happy place so shouldn't be you ?! nonsens.

Make sure you are happy & enjoy your special day to the fullest.

Find a distraction eg. coffee dates with bestie, finalise wedding planning, go away for weekend with DP.

I'd stop mentioning the situation to your DP & pretend it doesn't bother me any longer.

I bet he'll get annoyed over the fact MIL isn't coming at some point, some one else will mention something about the wedding that rubs him the wrong & then I'd say something similar to what his response is atm. I'd be oh so cool with all that. This things seem to work themselves out.

Enjoy this special time & dont let anyone ANYONE spoil it for you OP.

Widowhood can be a very lonely and strange place especially if you aren’t that close to your dc. And grief can take on many lasting forms. It can change a person and cause all sorts of weird anxieties. Especially social anxieties and lack of confidence. Then it can cause guilt for not being able to handle the grief which can all be hidden from family.
I think it’s really good of you to be seeing your STB MIL so much especially when your DP doesn’t bother with her to the same extent. I wonder if she silently feels grateful for you but wishes with her whole heart that her DS could be more understanding even though she doesn’t open up about her grief to him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to know about her troubles as he finds it too hard himself and prefers a quiet life.
it sounds to me like they aren’t a family that communicates feelings easily.
SIL isn’t going so that means MIL would have nobody close to guide her through the day and through the prep of a new outfit etc.
Maybe her grief anxiety is just too much for her to attempt to do it alone if she doesn’t have a significant other by her side.
OP I may be barking up the wrong tree with all this but I do know a couple of introvert ladies who, in your MIL’s situation, would find this very difficult (but probably still make the massive effort to hide their feelings and go) I think it’s very sad that your MIL just can’t gather the strength to attend on her own.

I think SIL is mean and uncaring to dismiss her brother’s wedding so easily, especially if she knows her own mum will therefore be missing out on attending.
Maybe the problem lies in their relationship somehow.

I'm sorry on behalf of you and your DP. I would definitely want to be at all my DC's weddings. I've also been at a wedding where the bride's father had recently died and, although there were sad moments, everybody took comfort from knowing how happy he would have been. We were determined to enjoy the day more, in his memory.

They are making a drama and it is all about your sister in laws feelings who controls Mum in law....but they ignore your DPs feelings time and again and he doesnt confront it. Because if he had to confront the truth it would be painful. your mother in law is putting on a front to you which is not sincere in any way. Get on with your Wedding preparations and splash out on a happy time without drama llamas. Draw a big boundary line around you them for visiting or meeting with them or the other way around in future. appalling way for a mother to treat a son...emotional neglect. But your husband will probably feel the need to pander to them later.

Are BIL and his pregnant partner married? If so did she go to his wedding?

"MIL then declared it would be too upsetting for her (FIL died six years ago and didn’t live to see any of his DC marry)" Strange reasoning (and perhaps just clutching at straws since her 1st reason was that her daughter wasn't going). Did she miss BIL's wedding too? Will she see BIL's new baby given that FIL might not have met any of his grandchildren?

I'd either accept she's just very odd and keep my distance a little to protect yourself and your family from that or I'd find out what's really the reason.

im waiting for the drip feed.

You mention annual leave so it seems that attending is not as simple as just coming to a venue at a convenient time and place. What are the barriers to attendance and why couldn’t you plan a wedding that did not have significant barriers, like needing to take annual leave, for your most critical guests?

now, I would be hard-pressed to miss my child’s wedding no matter how inconsiderate they were during planning, but I am curious how difficult you have made attendance for your MIL.

There is a really simple solution here. Just sit your MIL down and speak to her very calmly and very nicely to say you love her, explain what it would mean to you to have her at your wedding and how it won't be the same without her.
Good luck with sorting this out OP as with a lot of posts on Mumsnet communication is the key and what have you got to lose?

MN truly is another world. I don't know anyone who wouldn't take a day's annual leave for a close family member's wedding (or a good friend's).

For your brother's wedding?

To me it seems obvious that OP was good enough as a gf to the DP but that the family feel that either she or the DP don’t deserve the fuss that comes with the marriage/married state. They probably feel that DP doesn’t deserve the fuss and they extend their contempt for him to you.

Some people have weddings on Friday for costs and while inconvenient it’s a tiny price to attend your siblings or sons wedding. To take a stance that it will be a no from you is ridiculous.

What this is mad. There is a reason they object to your wedding, even if you genuinely don’t know what it is.

honestly, with your partner’s passive acceptance of this, I’d be questioning marrying into this “family”. Too much drama, that will only escalate if you have kids.