To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

For my brother’s wedding? Yes, I’d take the day off!

yanbu.
I’d have nothing to do with any of them ever again. What a disgrace!

She doesn’t want to go to your wedding. End off. Move on.

My in laws didn’t come to our wedding,reason being they didn’t want to leave the dog for more than an hour. We thought it was because FIL didn’t want to drive but my husband offered to collect them and drop them back but no it was the bloody dog.
we now own the dog as both IL’s died and we leave her for more than a couple of hours with no issue 🙄

OP, I think you are hoping for more & pushing reality away. It really is time to wake up and smell the coffee. They don't value you or your DH to be.

Go and have best wedding with the people who love you.

I wouldn’t bother begging or pleading with mil or sil or telling them you are hurt.
It will just give the pair of them something to laugh about.

I wouldn’t discuss it again. However I would make sure that if and when the next of her children gets married I would be straight in with

”Oh what a pity you won’t be there” If it is bil’s wedding, I would tell him to not waste an invite on his mother as she won’t come because as his father didn’t see any of his children married then she wouldn’t either

Just don’t go out of your way to include them in anything.

Of course you don’t give her any photos
FIL didn’t get to see photos of his children’s wedding so in the same vein it is going against everything she said for her to see them

This is correct. Nothing rlse fits the particulars in the OP’s posts.

Could your dp contact someone that he knows his DM would listen to ?
A sister of hers or a long standing friend ? Maybe one of the people she wants to show the wedding album to ?
Someone who will point out to her how damaging this is to her relationship with you both, and how, once the wedding is missed, there is no second chance ?

I agree with this sentiment op.

I've learned the hard way that everyone and every family is different, and "closeness" has to go both ways or it only causes hurt. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do with the information that gives you. I'd be polite, but give up any idea of closeness. Don't chase them, don't apologise for them, just redefine the relationship you have with them in your head to save yourself from future upset.

Have a wonderful joyful wedding 😊

Can’t you just go no contact, OP? Leave DH to see them, call them or message them if he wants but you should just go NC with MIL and SIL.

Why even try for a middle ground with such cunts?

If I were OP I would be keeping them at arms length so there no expectation or disappointment when she has kids.

It’s a shame that her DH has resigned himself to getting married without any of his family members but it’s not OPs job to fix it, she needs to keep herself away from them and protect herself and none of this “MIL and I are close” business. You’re not.

And I would go as far as ask you to speak to your DH about seeing a therapist or something to work through the trauma of growing up second tk a golden child. While he may be acting all calm he is probably just pushing it feel down and not resolving it and as we all know unresolved issues and feelings always find a way to come out and unfortunately it’s the spouse who has to deal with the brunt.

You seem to be focusing on the wrong thing here.

The fact she is posting on mumsnet now doesn’t mean she accepted it and irrespective of if she accepted it or not it doesn’t change the fact it’s a unusual and ridiculous thing to do to your brother and child.

OP, please respect your partners wishes.
It is clear this is no more than he expects.
There is nothing you can do to change this, so say nothing.

But drop the rope completely.
Match her energy completely.
Only return a call.
No invites to meet for coffee.
Do not call to her house.
If she reaches out, respond in kind.
Put a lovely photo up of those that made it.
If anyone asks, they simply couldn't make it.
Any questions why? "You would have to ask them"🤷🏻‍♀️
No excuses.
Certainly no album bring given to her, the cheek.
If you have a family together, don't expose them to such behaviour.
Time, effort and energy that you might invest in her, use in other areas of your life.

This is not normal.
Don't treat it like it is.
Not another further word about the wedding.
Keep them COMPLETELY out of the loop of what is going on in your lives.
Support your partners wishes.

Your DP will have become used to being the scapegoat, and will be conditioned not to 'rock the boat', whilst his Golden Child sister is in cahoots with MIL.

There's no point speaking to MIL about this or trying to persuade her - in fact this plays into her hands, as it's the kind of attention she wants.

You may find that if you take a step back from her and don't mention the wedding again, she'll start to make an effort (trying to hoover you back into her web) and may even turn up to the wedding (as a limeight grab). Or she'll cut you off and bitch about you to the family.

But whatever happens, look at this all as a positive - you never have to attend a family function of theirs ever again - after all, if family was important, they'd have come to their son/sibling's wedding, wouldn't they?

I'm sorry OP, but by saying that she doesn't want to use a day of annual leave to go to her brothers wedding, SIL is giving you both a deliberate, calculated insult. It is designed to show that you have no value in her world and I'd bear that in mind in future dealings, if nothing else. MIL is hiding behind an excuse (pretty rubbish one) and her priority is clearly always going to be SIL.

It's hard to realise that people you value don't feel the same and I would suggest being very honest with your DH to be about how it has made you feel and where you need your boundaries to be going forward. He's probably become accustomed to being "less", which is horrible in itself, but it doesn't mean that you have to accept it. He needs to know, though, to pevent issues in your relationship down the line.

I would think that's obvious because they wouldnt be in work they'd be at the wedding

It's the sister that won't take annual leave, but it's still ridiculous. My sister got married on a Friday, I took the week off.

Our wedding is not far away, it’s perfectly accessible by bus or taxi or car. It’s a very small civil wedding with only my parents, siblings and DPs mum and siblings invited

Then why does anyone need to take annual leave if there is no travel involved?

haha so much this - snide sweet ‘oh it’s such a shame you won’t be able to visit baby!’ Her?? What? You: well fil won’t be there will he? So it wouldn’t be right surely.

tjis is after you do sense check it’s not she doesn’t feel she can cope without knowing people or it’s extreme grief, although from the way your dh is reacting it’s not that and she’s just another weirdo distancing family as fast as she can, its worth sounding those factors out.

For your own child's wedding? Get real.

Is BIL's new baby the first grandchild? If they are I assume she won't be seeing the baby then as FIL wasn't around to see any grandchild or they will be the first after he passed so it will be too triggering.

Your MIL & SIL sound awful. I hope your DH has a good relationship wtih your family and you have lots of friends.

Your MIL sounds like a covert narcissist and this is a typical action of one. Your DP sounds ground down by her behaviour but not surprised which suggests that she’s been like this all his life. Covert narcs can seem pleasant and self-effacing so that’s why it might seem like you got on. But it was all an illusion.
My mum is also a covert narc and maintains a pleasant facade towards my DP and my sister’s DH. I’ve no idea what she says about my DP but she’s been really nasty to my BIL behind his back yet she is all smiles when she sees him. I don’t want my poor DP to get involved in her shit so I try to keep them at a bit of a distance. I’m not sure he’d fully understand and would feel betrayed. I’ve grown up with it though so I know what it’s like.
With my mum and maybe with your MIL as well I think it stems from jealousy- she doesn’t like it when other people are happy and successful.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but at least you know what they're really like now so you won't depend on them for anything. I think you're right not to raise it with them, they must know deep down that they're being very unreasonable, so they could get defensive.

You can have a relationship with them on your terms now - suit yourself and see them when you want to.

I hope you have a lovely day - send them a couple of photos of you and your new DP and your family looking incredibly happy, with a breezy 'sorry you couldn't make it, having a wonderful day!'.

@KreedKafer that's awful! What is wrong with some people.

My SIL got married recently. It was a really small wedding - basically immediate family for the ceremony and then 30ish friends at the reception afterwards. Neither of the groom's parents turned up. His mum said she didn't want to come up because she'd 'woken up feeling tired' and his dad wouldn't go on his own. For context, the wedding was taking place in a register office and then a hotel that were about ten minutes, at most, from their home. All they actually had to do was attend the ceremony and spend maybe an hour at the reception, but no. 'Too tired' apparently.