To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

Perhaps this is the problem. Perhaps she needs to feel her pain and loss are acknowledged and then she can celebrate with you all. Also having someone to accompany her - a close friend or another family member might help her feel less alone at the wedding?

I think this is a "when people should you who they are, believe them" situation.

I wouldn't argue with her. I would enjoy your day with the family who do care about you. But I wouldn't be bending over to support her in future. If she feels your relationship is at an "polite acquaintances" level, than that's what she gets in return.

I would distance myself too OP and bollocks if she would be getting any photos.
is it possible SIL is jealous you are getting married before her?? And wants her mum to say no so that she attends her wedding first?

From your posts OP, the family have had a few months notice of the wedding. So reading between the lines you booked a wedding knowing BIL wouldn’t be able to attend as his partner is about to give birth, not invited SIL partner, and booked a wedding on a weekday (are kids needing school runs an issue etc.). Could this be the case? If so, it’s obviously your wedding and completely up to you how you want to celebrate and invite who you wish, but they are also entitled to feel upset not to be considered and decline.

These were my first thoughts - a week day wedding? Why couldn't you have a wedding on a weekend so people with jobs in the family could attend? And at a date before your BiL's baby is due?

Still, it suggests there's a disregard of your DH in his own family, but if he won't say anything about it, then what can you do? I wonder whether his parents will regret not going.

But it is odd on both sides - yours to persist with a date that neither of your DH's siblings can attend and your DH's family for not making much of an effort. And it's odd that you feel there is no back story.

Maybe they really Like his previous Loves !!
Are they coming in the evening Could be dont do Churches But ML needs to Grow up sounds Like a princess My ML was ,
Think this is a distance yourself Job and Get really busy I feel for your Children if they have done this at your wedding .
Might be Broke ass dont wanna Buy you a gift ,
Have a great day and Get busy xx

I know! Will be channeling @SatsumaCat s MIL going forth..

Is it a second marriage?
Is it/not in a church?

These are things that cause people to be rude about weddings.

Or they just don't like you. Which is rude.

I'm sorry to say but this is incredibly selfish of them, they are missing their DS/DB wedding, one of the most special days of his life.
Reading between the lines, I'd imagine that DSIL is a little jealous you are getting married and maybe her partner doesn't want to/they are having problems I don't know either that or they don't like either of you.

In future just put no effort in, fine if they arrange something bur otherwise just don't bother.

My own mum was pretty weird about my wedding initially. We lost my dad many years ago (in my childhood). She never said she wouldn’t come but she had no interest in being involved or buying a special “mother of the bride” outfit. I was hurt but cracked on with planning it. Eventually my sister had a word with her and found out it was all about my dad not being there although he’s not been with us for decades. Fortunately sister had a firm but gentle word with my mum about it and how dad would have wanted us to celebrate etc and my mum got fully on board and we had a great day. I think with your FIL loss being more recent this may be harder to navigate but if you can find the appropriate person to have a quiet word and find a way to honour FIL in the celebration you might get somewhere (eg it is not uncommon to have a little table with photos of deceased family and friends you are thinking of on the day, of course he can be mentioned in speeches and you can do something more personal as well). This might help bring her on board so she doesn’t feel like he’s been forgotten or the family is “moving on”.

But why, it's peculiar, it's her son!

Ah so it's because you are marrying before sil Nd she doesn't like it.
Mil will be at her wedding.
Leave them to get on with it!
YANBU.

I had a sil once who was insanely put out that we were having the first GC before her. She would say I'm having this baby before you I'm so much bigger but no nature took its course and the 40 week pregnancies occurred as they do and sol cried hysterically saying I wanted to be first.
Should have got on with it
So had sil already got married in OPs circumstances all would be good and mil would be coming to the wedding but she probably doesn't want the dramatics.
Will be interesting when sil gets married of course will you have any annual leave left.

Ask her straight out what is the problem. You can't second guess what's in someone's mind. You need to tell her that he refusal to attend is hurtful to your DP and may well affect his future relationship with her.

What will they do if you have children OP…..ignore them? Will your DH not raise this either? It beggars belief.

They are completely out of order not attending. Not wanting to use a days AL for your siblings wedding? I would be taking a big step back from them both

Go and have Wonderful day and DO NOT let them spoil it. Don't mention it again to them and don't be surprised (and definitely do not make a big fuss of them) if they do randomly turn up... Keep us posted how your day goes - good luck and congrats

Egh? And his family are causing bad feelings?

OP you know where you stand and your choice of NC or LC from now on.

One thing though why a wedding during the week- that does impact availability but for a family member SIL is bring mean.

MIL I can maybe understand wants to be part of a group attending and if she is the ONLY one from his side I could have some sympathy. Would she be allowed to bring a close friend?

Weddings bring out the worst in people. DH’s brother and family left ours after the service and have had nothing to do with us since. Just have your day. Have the best day you can with the people who love you and have made the effort. You can’t change people. It isn’t worth second guessing them. Just don’t let it put a downer on your day! Congratulations in advance.

Sorry to hear this OP. I think it’s very odd of your MIL not to attend her own son’s wedding. I am not surprised you are hurt. Would it be possible for someone ie a close trusted family member to explain to her how much it would mean to you both for her to be there? Do you think she could have mental health problems? It’s just not normal for a mum not to go to her own child’s wedding. The only other circumstance in which I could envisage such a scenario would be if MIL and DP had fallen out.
I hope you resolve this and have a wonderful wedding day.

We don’t live in each others pockets, but we have regular contact and I make all the effort for MIL because I wanted to. DP rarely makes an effort and isn’t bothered by this.

There are exceptions but in general I think it’s a mistake to make more effort with a DP’s family than the DP is prepared to make himself. You don’t have the history and rocking the boat will likely affect the DP for longer and in more ways than it would you.

I’m sorry, OP, it sounds like your MiL is showing you her true colours. I would take a leaf out of your DP’s book and stop putting in so much effort.

They are signaling the amount of effort they are prepared to go to (emotional or otherwise) for their son/brother - absolutely none. Your DP is not surprised and has his own coping mechanisms in place already (he chooses to not engage). Now you know how this family operates. I feel bad for your DP but strongly advise that you follow his lead on how to deal with them. He has presumably developed his coping mechanisms over a lifetime of batshittery with his DM and DS. They come as part of a family package when you marry him, but it sounds like they will not be the MIL/SIL you might have hoped for. Don't try and change his family and don't be upset when they don't perform the roles you might have liked them to. Do have a wonderful wedding with the people who want to celebrate with you.

Dp not do

Hi op,

if you are confused it is because she is not fully honest evidently. She doesn’t have to tbh, by that I mean that it looks like she is keeping the statu quo well but isn’t emotionally connected to you.

All in all, whether you feel closer to MIL than your dp isn’t the question if she refuses to come. Let your do handle it. If he isn’t bothered and do not want to make a fuss then why would you? It shows the actual level of her connection with you two…take the hint. It is a big one.

Good luck 🌺

I have a MIL who was similarly cold regarding my DH. I've not forgiven her, even if he is visiting her occasionally due to me kicking his behind. Well enough to do what she wants to do but not well enough to do anything involving DH.

What day are you getting married? You say SIL doesn't want to take any annual leave?

Oh OP I am so sorry. It just sounds so callous. I’d ditch the lot of them and just concentrate on the lovely family you are creating, your own parents and your dearest friends. Hugs to you all.