To be hurt that MIL won’t attend our wedding?

Good god !!! It's ONE day's annual leave... hardly restricting any other holidays. And the FIL died 6 years ago... the MIL is not freshly grieving..... And yes I'm fully aware people take their own time to get over things, but again, its been SIX YEARS !!! am horrified that anyone would think it ok for her to miss her own son's wedding for her pathetically flimsy excuses. FIL must be spinning in his grave at the disgusting heartlessness !!!! Especially a small wedding. It's not as if she's got to mingle with 100 guests. And as for having a photo album to show her friends..... ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!!

You have an amazing day. Don't let anyone or anything spoil a single second of it !!! And thereafter, pull right back from them. They are not worth your efforts. NOT WORTH IT !!!!!!!

I totally understand sil not taking time off for a week wedding. That will reduce her capacity for family holiday's.

@Maddy70 He is her brother. Does he not count as family? The SIL doesn't have children and isn't married.

Is your wedding for you and the important people in your lives - or relatives you got by default who don't care about you, and you don't care about them? Why would you even invite them?

Really really odd. Is sil married? Could she be jealous? Definitely something underlying with them. This would absolutely be a cutting off if it was me. And I feel so sorry for your husband to be

Your MIL and SIL sound truly awful. I'm sorry they are casting such a shadow over your special day by being so selfish.

I understand that grief does strange things, and if she went, it may throw up some uncomfortable feelings for her. I guess she doesn't want to feel alone, seeing as it's a small wedding, maybe she feels she'll stand out too much? Is she friendly with your family at all? I know my mum feels like a sore thumb when she's with all her coupled friends as she's the first to lose her husband.

That said, for your CHILD'S WEDDING, you just fucking go. And then having the gall to ask you for the album afterwards to show off to her friends?! Unbelievable!!

I'm sorry for you, also for your poor husband. Please enjoy your day with people who show up for you and love you, and forget about everyone else. I hope it's wonderful.

Have a wonderful day and have as little to fo with her as possible going forward. You don't need people like that st your wedding. They are doing you a favour. Tell them it was a wonderful day if asked and, oops, forgot about your photos. Completely slipped my mind.

I'd be following your husband to be's lead from now on and not making the previous level of effort with her. I honestly can't fathom some people.

I seem to disagree with most of the posters here

I totally understand sil not taking time off for a week wedding. That will reduce her capacity for family holiday's.

Secondaly your mil doesn't want to be alone at a big event that previously she would have shared with her husband. She is grieving.

Even Your children are being rude to her so she wont even be with them. She is feeling very vulnerable and. You all could be handling this better

You feel hurt? Imagine how your fiancè must be feeling. Is this a pattern? Do they not acknowledge most big events in his life? Who doesn't take a day off work for a siblings wedding? unless they are estranged.

Same here, congratulations on your engagement, and have a fantastic wedding day with your own family!

Now you know your worth leave any relationship to dp.. She wouldn't be getting any of my precious time...

I would personally leave them to it, if you force her to go she'll just make a fuss the whole day and leave or she'll spend the next few weeks changing her mind and causing stress. Her reasoning is ridiculous. I can imagine it being upsetting but surley his dad would have loved it so that's even more reason for her to attend, he should be thankful she's still around.

As for the sister, she is just as ridiculous. I would be thinking if they cannot be happy for you on your special day, then they don't deserve to share other special occasions, anniversary, birthdays, when and if you have children.

The brother is excused, I missed my sister wedding because I was a week over due and it was 70 miles away, it's just aswell as I went in to labour that day so I completly get.

They are vile and I'd just leave them to their miserable lives!

I think you might have to look at it as better she’s not there than attend grudgingly. She could really cast a downer if she’s resentful.
It’s weird. I’m widowed but I can’t see that affecting me attending my child’s wedding.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, forget MIL and SIL and have a wonderful day. 💐

I'm sure many of us been to weddings where there was a recent bereavement, the usual response is that family and friends redouble their support for the couple, even though there will be sad moments and tears. Your DP has a complete lack of support.

I know you've said no back story, but there must be for DP to be unsurprised at what is quite nasty behaviour, say his sister is the golden child and not want to raise his upset with his closest family. I think you may be more trusting than you realise and are overlooking some aspects of the family dynamic, especially if you've become close to your MIL. Sometimes it can be really hard to spot dysfunctionality when you're up close, and if you're not used to those dynamics. I had something similar with my MIL, for years I thought she was basically lovely and excused her 'quirks' before I started to understand the full picture.

From what you describe, I'd probably respond by going lower contact and having a mental boundary in place to protect yourself. Does DP have close friends or someone like a cousin to be there as his support? Is he usually close to his brother (whose reason is legit)?

Me too re hugging the photos to yourself. That’s just too suspicious, or at least might be.

People are weird, OP.Sometimes you just have to accept it. I think it’s quite possible that SiL would indeed liked to have been the ‘first married’ ( or possibly just have marriage in view, I wonder if your wedding has been a trigger for the realisation that her chap has no intention of marrying, at least to her). So she is sulking, and taking her disappointment out on you and her brother. Her mother has decided to support her rather than her son.

@SatsumaCat MIL has nailed it. You’ve done your best, now I would just put the whole thing out of your mind, and concentrate on having a great day, and much more importantly, a great marriage.

PS If she asks about the photos , just say sorry you forgot, and then do nothing….

Yes. I would be very hesitant about sharing photos.

Very much this, and would also be emulating SatsumaMIL.
'Oh that's a shame, anyway...'
I wouldn't want any children to get caught in this odd dynamic, either huge attention then dropped at whim of SIL, or just the same cold indifference here.
And absolutely wouldn't be sharing photos, via actual or electronic means, sounds like they'd be weaponised....
'It looks lovely.... we'd have loved to have gone.. but...sob....#reasons...poor victim us....'

I'm surprised your partner isn't more upset, how hurtful.

I can't believe his own sister won't give a day's leave for her own brothers wedding!

It is as if your DP's family disapprove of the marriage. While I wouldn't go no contact with them, I would stop making an effort. don't do anything for Mothering Sunday - The MIL isn't your mother, don't invite them for birthdays, Christmas etc, but be pleasant and polite on the occasions you do see them.

@Edingril you wouldn't take a day's annual leave for a sibling's wedding? How mean spirited

This was my thinking too. There's an odd family dynamic here, especially as DH seems used to this behavior. If you Google the scapegoat dynamic and perhaps narcissism for the mother/sister and see if it rings a bell.

None of this changes the situation though and I would emulated PPS mil and adopt a sort of proactive grey rock technique. Make no particular effort in return but but no arguing but also no toleration of bad behaviour/takin the piss with your time/lives.

I would also be very wary of how this future dynamic will effect any grandchildren going forward. If mil suddenly takes an interest in your children but treats them badly, what will your DH do? Shrug?

Well perhaps the problem is dp.

Are you sure you want to marry into this batshit family?

Weddings are celebrations.

They have shown their true colours. No MIL can’t have a fancy photo album to show her friends how wonderful she is.

yes there will be a moment of sadness and reflection on the people no longer with us but why miss out as it will be a regret.

would a plus one help so she can bring a friend with her? Maybe she doesn’t want to sit alone if it’s a small wedding.

that being said. DP doesn’t seem to mind as the important person is you. So next time wedding is brought up just say it’s such a shame you chose not to come.

and then don’t bother reaching out again. MIL will be quick to lean on DP when she becomes frail and the golden child does nothing to help.

Not quite the same but, firstly, first H tried to kill me. Late F rang me said he hoped I wasn't going to get divorced and cause a scandal because he didn't want p upset because he was going to marry her! My late DM had died the previous year. Forward 10 years, getting married to second DH, late F told me he wouldn't be attending,no negative issues with DH,he drove lorry and helped them move when they downsized. I was very upset.... only child. Late F said it didn't matter to me whether he was there or not, I told him it did! I expect p didn't want to come. She died,he re married just before he died,I wasn't invited, only 3rd wife's DKs as witnesses.

If it will literally just be your family and MIL I can see why she’d feel a bit anxious about going, are there other family members on DP’s side that could go with her or even a friend?