Am I controlling or is it my DH?

I would not encourage my husband to have a close friendship where he talked for hours to another woman.

I understand that the cool cats think spending hours taking to another woman is perfectly harmless behaviour but 60% of marriages end because of infidelity and they all start somewhere.

I think it's naive to think otherwise, you think it's controlling.

You said you think affairs start because of opportunity regardless of the state of the marriage.

I have interpreted this as that you think a happy marriage is where no one has close friendships with people that they might be attracted to, in case they have an affair.

If I have interpreted this wrong please clarify your statement.

Purely on the evidence of what the OP has written, if you think that's an emotional affair for certain then you're the red flag.

But opportunity is everywhere, every day, and most people manage not to have affairs. Trying to ensure your partner never has the opportunity to cheat is futile and incredibly controlling.

You're deliberately misinterpreting what I'm saying and that's ok.

People on the internet talk a lot of crap, I thought this was well known.

I think you're telling on yourself, and if the sexes were reversed and the wife posted here she'd be told that not only was her h being controlling, but he was probably overcompensating for his own wish to have an affair.

I've been married for 20 years. I wouldn't still be married if my husband controlled my friendships just in case there was an opportunity for me to cheat. In fact that would be a massive red flag to me and I would be running in the opposite direction.

They're not having an emotional affair.

In your opinion.

I disagree. I think affairs begin because of opportunity, irrespective of the state of the marriage. I think people are naive if they think that given an opportunity their spouse won't be tempted.

Some affairs start as close relationships between colleagues. This doesn't mean all close relationships between colleagues will turn into affairs. Logical fallacy.

They're not having an emotional affair.

You're right! I'm insanely jealous of all women and keep my husband in a blindfold lest he peek. I censor all media and only let him out when I can ensure there will be no women. I'm bang to rights!

My ex husband had a friend at work, I was pleased for him because he hated the job, quite senior, several moves but hated them all .. I trusted him totally, apart from anything else I worked with all men, and from time to time one got a crush on me, never a problem.

Anyhow ... I'll cut out the middle, they are married now.

I think affairs begin for a few reasons. Mainly because someone is unhappy. So needs aren't being met and the relationship is not a space where that person can open up and talk about it and work through the problems.

I am not defending affairs and I think if a relationship is not emotionally close or supportive to meet your needs, the right thing is to end the relationship and not cheat.

Relationships take work on both sides.

But you're the one calling work friendship an emotional affair. Just say you don't trust your husband and are jealous of other women and call it a day.

My DH at 25 was actually very good friends with a 60 year admin woman (she and her husband came to our wedding).

And he regularly goes out to lunch with a middle aged man who works in a different team (granted, he doesn't work in the mail room).

You don't know about these things (until now) because I haven't bothered to start a MN thread about them.

I think it's pretty normal to moan to work colleagues about work stress.
If that's the yardstick for an affair, I'm having 3 or 4 currently.

It's not about him interacting with other women, it's about his close relationship with a particular colleague. How do you think affairs begin?

The OP doesn't like the close relationship her husband has with another woman. If I'm controlling because I don't want my husband to have an emotional affair, then I'm controlling.

He does not get to chose your friends that would be controlling same and trying to chose his

Anyone can dress it up they like it's controlling

I know. I'm absolutely amazed so many posters think the op is over reacting.

And you are denying him this friendship this will breed resentment

Poor man is in a job he is losing sleep over just for the money and you have had enough of hearing about his problems? He is an adult and you are telling him who he can be friends with?

You are being unreasonable.

It's not naivety, its just refusing to be paranoid and controlling. I'm not going to stop my husband living a full life that includes interactions, travel and professional engagements involving shock horror other women. I'm not saying it's impossible for him to cheat or there's no risk of him doing. But I'm not going to control his life just because there's an opportunity for cheating to occur. That's batshit behaviour in my view.

I have opportunities to cheat also when I travel for work or get offered tickets to things by other men in the industry. Doesn't mean I cheat. I would resent it if my husband tried to control my ability to assess the depth and appropriateness of professional relationships I have with other men, just because those relationships present an opportunity to cheat.

Yes, weird and controlling

Threads like this always make me very relieved I’m gay and so the wives of the men I am friends with at work don’t automatically assume we want to shag because we spend time moaning about work together!

I don’t they he’s doing anything wrong to be honest. If the worst thing you’ve heard is him saying to her is ‘I’m so stressed and woke up at 3am then you have nothing to worry about.