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Original poster

Am I controlling or is it my DH?

114 replies

Mill8909 · 01/09/2024 21:19

My DH often speaks of one women at work - they are equals. Plus, I usually walk on him at home when he’s been chatting to her for ages. It does sound work-related, but I sometimes overheard something more personal. He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out, and he did to please me, but he’s unhappy. He said the women at work is a good colleague and a great source of support for him at work. He’s now avoiding her, and he’s moaning about being unhappy. I haven’t met her, but when I visited at work, I saw one attractive woman- he later confirmed that’s her. He’s not cheating - he never goes out, doesn’t travel for work, and comes home straight after work, but this closeness with her annoys me. She’s now moving over to his department-same seniority as him and he’s encouraging her to move…Am I being weird?

OP posts:
CosyLemur · 05/09/2024 07:44

Telling someone you work with that work stressed you out so much that it kept you awake isn't confiding personal stuff; that's work related chat that breaks up the boring today we need to do x,y,z chat!

Mintgum · 02/09/2024 22:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mintgum · 02/09/2024 22:28

He puts you and the kids first but who puts him first he wants to talk yet you dont want to hear him but he has to hear you.
He dont have many mates now he has one you dont like it.
Sorry but you sound controlling.
Just because he`s a man dont mean he dont have feelings.
If this thread was about you and he didnt want you talking to another man or didnt want to hear what you say he would be called all sorts and hes abusive.
Hes only human just like you what is he to do bottle it up have a breakdown.
My oldest mate is a man and we just click with each other but there is nothing else if i was told to stop talking to him id show whoever the front door.
A marriage takes 2 to make it work its not all about you.

Original poster
Mill8909 · 02/09/2024 21:49

Demonhunter · 02/09/2024 18:25

In all honesty, comments like that would bug me. I've no issue with opposite sex friendships, especially as I have them myself, but the "she gets me" etc would grate on me. Have you said you have no problem with the friendship but more his attitude around it and that those comments are making you uncomfortable, not that he has someone who he can talk shop with.

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Perhaps others won’t listen. He’s introverted and doesn’t make many friends. The intensity of his friendship with her is odd. She lived for over a decade in his country of birth (another English-speaking country), so there was a significant bond there, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mill8909 · 02/09/2024 21:35

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 22:21

I guess it all depends on individual circumstances.

One of my good male friends, I met at work 12 years ago now (I'm a little older than him, so out goes the younger theory) He was in a long term relationship at the time but his then gf never had an issue. I met her and got on really well with her too, I'd even meet her for lunch and a chat, when she had a miscarriage we'd talk for ages as I'd been through the same. I was at their engagement party and wedding. I actually have as much in common with her as I do him.

One thing I will say is we have never crossed a line like speaking on the phone many times a week or been emotionally reliant on each other or have ever done anything that would make his wife uncomfortable and if she was, I'd absolutely have stepped back and I know 100% he would have supported doing anything to make her comfortable and not make her feel bad about it.

Would you feel any different if you met her? Do you think if you saw yourself their dynamic it might either confirm your uncomfortably or put your mind at ease?

He didn’t introduce me to her when we were in the office…

OP posts:
Demonhunter · 02/09/2024 18:25

Mill8909 · 02/09/2024 18:17

There’s no affair. He’s at home a lot. Plus they have been working together for 3 years. No reason to doubt him as he is/always putting me and the kids first.
I get his work is stressful and I can’t listen or understand all the craziness there. Just a few times I walked in and he was looking a bit sheepish talking to her and they can talk for ages! Always - she’s the best, knows what’s she doing. Only normal person there. She gets me etc

In all honesty, comments like that would bug me. I've no issue with opposite sex friendships, especially as I have them myself, but the "she gets me" etc would grate on me. Have you said you have no problem with the friendship but more his attitude around it and that those comments are making you uncomfortable, not that he has someone who he can talk shop with.

Original poster
Mill8909 · 02/09/2024 18:17

There’s no affair. He’s at home a lot. Plus they have been working together for 3 years. No reason to doubt him as he is/always putting me and the kids first.
I get his work is stressful and I can’t listen or understand all the craziness there. Just a few times I walked in and he was looking a bit sheepish talking to her and they can talk for ages! Always - she’s the best, knows what’s she doing. Only normal person there. She gets me etc

OP posts:
UhHuhHuH · 02/09/2024 18:15

I would add there’s not much less attractive than a jealous and controlling partner. It’s not being cool wife, it’s having open conversations.

UhHuhHuH · 02/09/2024 18:10

If all affairs start with opportunity as claimed upthread, then no one is ever allowed to do anything without a partner chaperone?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/09/2024 13:12

Its not about being a cool cat.

He offloads to this woman about work. The OP doesn't want to listen to him off loading to her but she doesn't want him to off load to the work colleague either. So what does he do bottle it up and wait for it to come out in the form of a breakdown? Its not always as straightforward as find another job. OP says it would be hard to find one that pays as well so is she prepared to have a drop in income or can she make up the shortfall.

KrisAkabusi · 02/09/2024 11:50

I understand that the cool cats think spending hours taking to another woman is perfectly harmless behaviour but 60% of marriages end because of infidelity and they all start somewhere.

That's nonsense for a start. 42% of marriages end in divorce in the UK. Of those, they won't all be because of infidelity. 10% are because of financial reasons, others will be because of incompatibility or abuse or many other reasons.

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:39

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 02/09/2024 11:31

Of course people have affairs for all sorts of reasons. What people are objecting to is you saying anyone who gets the opportunity will cheat. That isn't true.

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First, I'm arguing against those who say that affairs only happen because the marriage is unhappy.

Second, I'm saying that affairs can happen for any reason given the opportunity.

That doesn't mean a person will automatically and without any doubt have an affair because they're alone with a person of the opposite (or same) sex.

I wouldn't want my husband to talk for hours to an attractive woman at work. Obviously there are many here who don't see that as a problem; I think that's naïve. Affairs start somewhere and are responsible for breaking up the majority of marriages. I'm obviously a walking red flag.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 02/09/2024 11:31

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:18

We have different experiences and have known different people. I know men who see having a mistress as something they feel they're entitled to, irrespective of how happy they are in their marriage. I know people who, no matter who they're with, will cheat given the opportunity. I know people who have had affairs and left their spouse for them, not because they were unhappy but because they met someone they liked more. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons.

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Of course people have affairs for all sorts of reasons. What people are objecting to is you saying anyone who gets the opportunity will cheat. That isn't true.

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:18

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 02/09/2024 11:14

So their partner was happy and still had an affair? Or they thought their partner was happy?

Everyone I've known who has split over an affair has never been blindsided. Not really. They've been sad and disappointed about the cheating. Maybe they thought their partner would/should have had the guts to end it. But they truly did not think everything was 100% OK.

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We have different experiences and have known different people. I know men who see having a mistress as something they feel they're entitled to, irrespective of how happy they are in their marriage. I know people who, no matter who they're with, will cheat given the opportunity. I know people who have had affairs and left their spouse for them, not because they were unhappy but because they met someone they liked more. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons.

Willoo · 02/09/2024 11:17

You are being controlling. I have a very good male friend at work and I would not be happy if my DH told me to stop speaking to him

BobbyBiscuits · 02/09/2024 11:16

I can see how you feel. It seems like he is pretty close with her. If it really is just a platonic friendship then you'd think she and him would want to meet with you outside of work, along with her partner if she had one. If there's an opposite sex friendship that seems that close I think the person's partner should be able to make friends with them also.

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 02/09/2024 11:14

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:11

Infidelity doesn't arise out of unhappiness. I don't know how many people I know who have been blindsided by an affair when they were in happy marriages. However, this is just a yes it is, no it isn't exchange so I'll bow out.

Show quote history

So their partner was happy and still had an affair? Or they thought their partner was happy?

Everyone I've known who has split over an affair has never been blindsided. Not really. They've been sad and disappointed about the cheating. Maybe they thought their partner would/should have had the guts to end it. But they truly did not think everything was 100% OK.

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:13

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 02/09/2024 11:05

I object to that because I have the opportunity but I'm not taking it because I don't want to. I love my partner and wouldn't cheat on him because that's not me. Its not just about the opportunity its also about wanting to cheat. Or is it only men who wouldn't be able to resist?

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As I'm sure you're aware both sexes cheat. I'm sure a lot of people who cheat, never thought they would. Sometimes affairs happen spontaneously. Sometimes people are serial cheats and so on. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons. Object away.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/09/2024 11:13

They are discussing work stress though and the OP herself said she doesn't want to listen to him talking about work stress. Should he just bottle it up?

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:11

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 02/09/2024 11:06

I'm a middle aged woman who has been married for 20 years. I would hardly describe myself as a cool cat 😅

Infidelity arises out of unhappiness. Someone takes an opportunity because they are unhappy.

Yes I absolutely 100% think it's controlling to control who your spouse can be friends with because you are paranoid about them cheating.

Edited
Show quote history

Infidelity doesn't arise out of unhappiness. I don't know how many people I know who have been blindsided by an affair when they were in happy marriages. However, this is just a yes it is, no it isn't exchange so I'll bow out.

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 02/09/2024 11:07

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 02/09/2024 11:05

I object to that because I have the opportunity but I'm not taking it because I don't want to. I love my partner and wouldn't cheat on him because that's not me. Its not just about the opportunity its also about wanting to cheat. Or is it only men who wouldn't be able to resist?

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Very well put. Couldn't agree more.

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 02/09/2024 11:06

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:00

I would not encourage my husband to have a close friendship where he talked for hours to another woman.

I understand that the cool cats think spending hours taking to another woman is perfectly harmless behaviour but 60% of marriages end because of infidelity and they all start somewhere.

I think it's naive to think otherwise, you think it's controlling.

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I'm a middle aged woman who has been married for 20 years. I would hardly describe myself as a cool cat 😅

Infidelity arises out of unhappiness. Someone takes an opportunity because they are unhappy.

Yes I absolutely 100% think it's controlling to control who your spouse can be friends with because you are paranoid about them cheating.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 02/09/2024 11:05

username44416 · 02/09/2024 10:40

I disagree. I think affairs begin because of opportunity, irrespective of the state of the marriage. I think people are naive if they think that given an opportunity their spouse won't be tempted.

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I object to that because I have the opportunity but I'm not taking it because I don't want to. I love my partner and wouldn't cheat on him because that's not me. Its not just about the opportunity its also about wanting to cheat. Or is it only men who wouldn't be able to resist?

username44416 · 02/09/2024 11:02

gannett · 02/09/2024 10:52

Purely on the evidence of what the OP has written, if you think that's an emotional affair for certain then you're the red flag.

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But you can't be certain either, that's why it's an opinion and not a fact.

DadJoke · 02/09/2024 11:01

Not a day goes by that I don’t share my innermost thoughts with Brian from Accounts!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying you are feeling insecure about the relationship, you are worried it might lead to an emotional affair without making demands on him. He hasn’t done anything wrong.