Am I controlling or is it my DH?

They are way to familiar

This is how my husband and I started, we would talk about shit work, our lives, our partners, children, being unhappy, we knew each other for 10 years as passing shifts.

We started working together on the same team, would chat for hours together, we started messaging outside work, phone calls, I relied on him and him me, our already unhappy marriages broke down, I left my husband and divorced.

We carried on chatting and he left his wife, we are now married.

But when you move your emotional connection from your husband/wife/partner to someone else then your in trouble.

Don’t you just want your DH to be happy at work so he can be happier at home?

I am good friends with a couple of male colleagues and we often talk about our personal lives. There is absolutely nothing untoward going on and never would be. I find the whole ‘men can’t be friends with women’ thing to be a ridiculous notion pedalled by overly jealous people!

Emotional affairs are a thing and your gut is clearly picking up on something here. Can’t wait until we get passed the stage of constantly calling other women insecure and paranoid, if we’re being completely honest how often has a woman’s gut instinct ever been wrong?

If you don't want him talking to others, but you also don't want to listen when he needs to talk - regardless of whether it's all the time or not what do you want him to do?
You won't let him change jobs because you want your kids in private school.

I'm guessing you want him to have a mental breakdown or worse. There's a reason why family men are more likely to commit suicide than other sections of society.

I personally think an emotional affair is when you are sharing personal problems with someone instead of your partner, or even complaining or breaking marital confidences. Otherwise it's just work friendship. The line can get blurry sometimes though I suppose.

Hey op. That's a good point. Sounds like after 3 years they just know each other enough for general chat and moans like most colleagues. Just wondering where you are in your life, and maybe you are feeling a little low in the self esteem, especially if you are maybe busy with young children. Happens to a lot of us.

There’s some major issues here.

One is that he is in a job he hates and can’t leave because you have 2 kids in private school.

There is way more to unpick than what he’s saying to her and you know it.

Hell no! Thats not normal at all in my opinion

Would you be so worried if it was a male colleague? If not then then there’s no issue if you trust him

This is how affairs start. He is unaware of falling into an age old trap. I would be very concerned. I would make sure to have a super sexy underwear

You get that op doesn't want to listen to him right? And now he's not allowed to offload to someone else because seeking the emotional support she won't give is apparently disrespectful? And we wonder why male suicide rates are so high

So you don't want to support him, and no one else is allowed? Or only ugly women / other men?

Are you aloud male friends
Are you aloud to work with other males
Are you aloud to speak to other males
If the answer is yes to all three then you are being controlling and abusive by not allowing your husband to work with females be friendly with females and chat to females you would rather him be miserable a'd only talk to a'd spend time with you while you do exactly as you please regardless

i have a very close male work friend. my husband doesn't have any issues with it we know each others partners and children. it's just work

He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out

Yes I think this is controlling. Plenty of colleagues vent to each other about being stressed.

Don't add to your DH's work woes. He's not a cheater.

It's so terrible that your DH has a bad environment at worrk.
How stressful for him every day.

I would be advising him to brain storm about what he can do to change that.

Can you invite three of his work mates (the woman included) over to a BBQ at your place where they can try to list positive changes they could put in place to improve their work situation? Would going bowling every fortnight together with their spouses happy up the work dynamics?

Something has to change or your poor husband will be unhappy for years.
Can he find another job?

Goodness me, there is a lot of very insecure and jealous people responding. And I’m not sure they are giving the balanced answers. Do you really think she’d shag your husband op. Is he all that? And do you think he’d cheat if she would and given a chance?

If the answer to the latter is yes, you’ve bigger problems and banning him speaking to her isn’t going to help.

if the answer to the former is no, she’d likely not snag him, you’ve bigger issues again, as it means you’re just jealous and insecure.

To be honest @Mill8909 i would worry about an affair, but only because you aren’t supporting him rather than her “tempting” him away. He is clearly very unhappy at work but stays there for the money to keep the family going and you are telling him not to talk to you about work as you’re tired of hearing about it, that not very supportive. Let him have his friend, but do take a look at your relationship, I don’t believe if a marriage is strong it can be broken from the outside.

Are you projecting your insecurities or has your husband crossed any boundaries you have?

We all have different boundaries so none of us can tell you if he’s crossed yours. You need to discuss your boundaries with your husband so that you are both clear on them. These cannot be boundaries you have but have not communicated with him.

What I would say, as someone who has a stressful job, by having one very good work friend, I have been able to navigate some tough work issues/ stress etc without losing the plot, and I have maintained my professionalism with everyone else. I would prefer not to come home and rant at my husband about work stuff when he won’t understand but also, that is our time, and I think if you remain in a negative headspace for too long, it becomes unhealthy. Me and my husband both discuss work for 10-15 minutes and then we move on with our evening.

You need to have a discussion with your husband about this, and explain how you feel but I wouldn’t be jumping to conclusions just because she is a female.

My husband never went out etc but he’s been texting other women, I know it my heart nothing physical ever happened but it’s still feels to me on a par with it.

trust your instincts. If I had and checked his phone he may not have lost his job for it.