Who are these mums???? (Jokes but slightly serious)

To me people who put their lives up on social media (esp insta) are extremely insecure. Much of it is faked and set up for the perfect shot.
I mean why are they doing it? If you want to bake or dress in matching pj’s or go out just do it. We don’t need a song and dance presented to the world. Why? Is it to make others envious? Boast? Make yourself feel better from comments and likes?
Most people who are secure in themselves don’t need / want to post it. They just enjoy their lives without showing off and stabbing home the point that they are fabulously wonderful.
What makes me saddest is the kids caught up in it. They just want mummy’s attention and to do the baking, not to have to stop to take the perfect photo every 10 minutes

This is harsh.
Often ott displays of love for dh are a sign things aren’t great. Also I feel sorry for a lot of those kids. Imagine how it is for them?

I could be that insta mum... I'm a single mum, no family support, sole carer for my severely disabled mother. It's money, and one heck of a lot of planning/prioritising, and loads unsaid.

Today you'd see us at the Zoo, for example. My DS with ice cream dripping down his chin, and us laughing at the giraffes, me having a GREAT hair day. What you wouldn't see is DM in a wheelchair I was shoving round all day in the boiling sun, the fact we only went out because I had a migraine and having things to entertain the two of them was the only thing that felt slightly bearable - I want to scream after an hour of keeping them both occupied at home.

Tomorrow, you'll see my overpriced ice tea from the local coffee shop, you won't see the fact I'll need to wake up at 4am to get a head start bc DS has an inset day that I forgot to plan for so now need to juggle parenting and work all day. You won't know the local coffee shop is right next to a playground that has outdoor benches and WiFi so I can attempt to get some work done whilst parenting. If I'm really lucky, DM will be up for the outing so I'll get to push her there and back too!

Tomorrow evening, I'll pay a local teen to come sit with my DM and DS who will hopefully be asleep by then, and will go out to a workout class. There might well be a cute snap of me in workout gear and you might wonder about my fancy gym membership and how I hold it all together, when the only reason I'll have gone is because I might die more inside if I don't 😂 and the only reason I have a fancy gym membership is bc there's childcare and a cafe for DM to sit in that I can see from the gym floor, which is the only flipping way I can workout!

Before you say anything, I know I probs shouldn't use Instagram like this, but the comments about being such a great mum are also a coping mechanism 😂

Though I don’t really post on social media, I had comments when I was on mat leave insinuating this sort of thing. The biggest thing is a supportive husband who does an equal share of the parenting and housework and encourages me to have to time to myself.

We also saved a lot before having kids so maternity leave wasn’t too much of a financial burden - this was a deliberate decision.

my partner is as much use as a chocolate fire guard

There lies your problem

Excellent summation

I am not on any SM. Work FT long hours inc out of hours and the kids and baby in nursery FT. My partner is helpful and we throw money at the issue

I might appear to be one of these mums. 3dc 4 and under. We bake from time to time. We host halloween etc parties. We do handmade cards for birthdays and Christmas. DH is very hands on. I work 0.8 (although my day off is with all 3 dc so no housey stuff gets done). Family are far away but help whenever they can. I don’t do any non essential cleaning, and pay a cleaner to come once a week instead.

But, what you don’t see is that I haven’t slept more than 4 hours consecutively in 4.5 years (because I’m too soft to sleep train). We eat too many takeaways, and I still haven’t sorted out all the uniform/ school shoes for starting school. So don’t believe all you see on social media!

So what help do you have and how many hours a week do you work? And how often do you do fun/glam things with no kids in tow?

We talk a lot about the impact social media has on the health of young women and girls, but I think it has a significant impact on the mental health of mothers too. It’s really easy to see lots of beautiful pictures of mothers who seem to have it all and are getting everything right and to feel ‘not good enough’ in comparison. Motherhood has become fetishised in a way I don’t think it has been since ‘the Angels in the Home’ in Victorian times and we are also expected to financially support our children. When DD1 was born 12 years ago and Instagram was relatively niche there wasn’t the same pressure that there is now, and in the 80s/90s there was far less. OP your DD is fed and loved and safe and that is worth a million pretty pictures and shiny hair. I’m sorry you are not supported more, that’s rubbish for you, but kids don’t look at Instagram. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

@sunshinewithrain you chose a useless husband and you then tolerate it and do all the tasks like the live in maid

No!

I don’t have any of these. I just have my shit together. My kids slept because they had a good routine, I disciplined them so they didn’t run riot, they do chores etc. I look after my own health and well-being.

These things aren’t an accident. Saying ‘oh, everyone who has this just has loads of help and money’ is really unfair. I’ve worked hard to create it.

Not saying it’s perfect btw, but I definitely have time to do fun/glam things and don’t slob around in joggers.

And I don’t have an Instagram account.

I know a few of these women.
All or some of the following can be applied to them:
High earning husband
Hands on DH when at home
SAHP or PT
Family nearby or babysitter /nanny on standby
Cleaner
They all bloody love vinted
Love a bargain
Travel Counsellor to sort out holidays
Have all taken photography courses

Definitely reiterate what other people have said, it’s a helpful partner and a solid support network. My other half actively encourages me to make plans, go get hair and nails done etc, starts the tea while I do bedtime, does the dishes if I tackle laundry.
We also have an amazing family around us. Will mind said toddler at a moments notice and will jump in to help if needed. In our group we have one friend who has a shitty husband and she dictates our social life (to a point, slight exaggeration) because he can’t/wont feed and put his kids to bed himself - so either we have to meet at 8pm after she’s done bedtime in the evening or take all the kids with

Instagram is a highlights reel - nobody shows the shit times do they?!

I know what you mean as I don’t relate to these families either! But I am certain some people find parenting easier than others based on friends. I have friends with 3dc who genuinely find life manageable and fun most of the time. They are not influencers rather the way I would like to feel!

factors:

supportive partner
family support (eg mum)
dc personality / needs
own personality and health
money

I don’t do well on most of these and as a consequence find parenting quite hard!

Not everyone on Instagram is fake and some people do actually have their lives together.

Lots are though because often when you are actually living your life photo ops are the last thing from your mind. We had a really busy, action packed summer with a few holidays. On the last holiday in the last few days I realised I had taken hardly any photos because we were constantly doing things & many of the ones I had taken were a bit rubbish as trying to get everyone still and looking at the lens/smiling/not covered in ice cream is hard! 😆😆

They have family support, a useful partner and spare money at the end of every month….. instead you have an unhelpful husband and work 34 hours a week, so long story short be a bit easier on yourself 😅

I wouldn't say social media is fake but it's usually a snap shot of what the poster wants you to see. My life looks a lot more fun, glamorous and glossy than it is because I tend to only post photos if when I'm doing fun/interesting stuff and have done my hair and make up. I don't generally post photos when I'm knackered after work on a Monday night, I'm in my manky dressing gown, kitchen is a tip and my nose is running because I've just started another cold!

I've had people tell me that I'm "always partying" and my marriage looks like "the epitome of fun and romance". Laughed heartily at both those.

I will say that mums who have an extended family network to babysit regularly will find it easier. Likewise younger mums just because they have more energy to burn the candle at both ends and still look fab. I was 40 when I had my youngest and going to a glamorous club night has pretty much zero appeal these days.

@sunshinewithrain - Idon't know, but hopefully this thread will help you to find a couple... can you please share one?
I need one to come round and sort the house, laundry, kids, husband, exercise for me and dog out! Then she can post it all on my social media while I am at work!
🤣

To all the posters blaming OP for choosing a crap man to have kids with (common theme on MN: if your husband behaves badly it’s your fault).

How is the shit man’s behaviour her fault? So misogynistic.

True though

A) I genuinely think they post / talk about it because they get a buzz making other people feeling a bit shit by comparison. Eg they want to envious looks, the oh god I haven't managed to wash my hair this week let alone today comments

B) very carefully curated content . Imagine the best most wholesome second or two of your day. Now record it and put it online, and do that everyday. Most people's lives in that snapshot could look pretty ideal but also not reflecting reality

C) money (as others have said)

D) people in background doing stuff for them.

I'm not in camps a,b,c or d let alone all four. I'm also not on instagram because I know it would drive me insane (angry/bitter lol!)

This isn’t true.

Mine are a bit older now but when they were small I was a single parent. I worked 30 hours a week, didn’t have a cleaner or any home help but still managed to wear makeup, go to a yoga class, spend time to make myself look nice, do fun things with my kids, go out with friends etc.

It’s really not that hard and you don’t need a man or loads of money to do it.

I've come out the other side of childcare. Once they're grown up, earn their own money and seem like decent humans with a good moral compass then you've done a good job. So it doesn't matter, OP, if there are sticky fingerprints all over your walls and you have cake mix in your hair. Enjoy the time with your dch while they're little. Those years go fast!