Who are these mums???? (Jokes but slightly serious)

Mate, you know all those perfect Insta lives are fake, don't you? As fake as the filters these people use in their photos.

Every person who I know in real life who gushes about how much they love their partner on social media is in an unstable relationship. All the happy couples I know don't do it. All the volatile ones do, even if it only emerges once they separate.

And as others have said, it's often money and/or support. The women I know like this often have mums/inlaws who take their children overnight, provide free child care for them to work, go on child free holidays etc. We have zero support, our parents are either dead or live abroad and it can be quite hard to see others who get so much help and support, especially when they complain to you about how hard parenting is.

I remember seeing a video about one of those momfluencers once.
The video describes this beautiful woman, her kid looks perfectly put together, they're by water, the mother takes time perfectly laying out their matching towels, the perfect water toys that match everything. The child's excited to play, but mothers setting up, setting up some more. The mother takes her photos, and then packs up and leaves. The child's had no time to play, and is distraught.

I remember thinking how sad and unfair that would be, and I think then and there I decided that I didn't feel bad anymore, my life doesn't look perfect, but my kids are pretty happy and we have fun and I wouldn't swap that for beautiful photos or a certain aesthetic

Remember that g-d gave u ur partner cuz he's good for you. I'm sure there are things bothering other women about their spouses too. Try to fix the problems rather than compare cuz that doesn't help at all...

Funny u call ur husband that. Pretty rude too. I have 4 children and with time my husband started helping more. He helps me a lot these days. I still complain cuz im a women and its tough being a mom. And I don't look glamorous everyday. I look respectable and put together. The ones posting all those things are trying ro convince themselves that their life is a smoother ride. It's baloney. Try to discuss responsibilities with ur husband and it'll be easier. Like maybe he should be responsible for feeding the baby or giving a bath

We all know at least one mum who very carefully curates a photo. Each to their own, Don’t envy someone who puts time into dictating HOW her toddler picks daises. And remember if you want another’s life you won’t have yours.

This⬆️quitting social media will make you so much happier. I could not give a flying fuck what other people get up to. I got bored of all the fakeness on Facebook and Insta and even more bored of people posting what they had for tea or what they are doing at the gym.......yaaaawwwwn.
Be kinder to yourself. Being a full-time working mum is hard as f. Whether you get a good partner or not is irrelevant as mum's carry the mental load( organising birthday parties, Christmas, family presents, school routine and events,need I go on). You're doing great! 👏

Do not believe a thing you see on social media. Not a single thing. No one is posting the bad stuff. A lot of highly curated and fake. Truly, don’t even look and focus on making your own life easier.

34 hours is not an “only” it’s a significant about of time at work. Lack of partner and family support and income. Stop giving yourself a hard time you are doing amazingly well in challenging circumstances and prioritising time with your DD.

Get off FB and Insta.

Ha ha! I know what you mean. Those moms. But the way I look at it, clothes are cheap today. Primark is getting better. And don't forget they're only allowing you to see the good bits. But I'm the same, I struggle to keep my house asthecially pleasing, I'm a teacher assistant so I'm busy. Lol. We really are. And holidays are once a year for me. I see so many go on at least four a year. But to me, they don't go anywhere interesting. Spain. No where else. I like Scandinavian countries and Eastern Europe.

I think you need to give yourself some credit for the fact that you are working 35 hours a week with a toddler to bring up. I think you are underestimating your worth and you need to give yourself some credit. I think lots of people have help and much easier lives which allows them to put on this show of being absolutely in control. You are doing just fine, be kind to yourself

Maybe here’s an analogy.

A man wants a woman who has a high sex drive and values physical intimacy. In the first few years of their relationship she gives out all the signs of this. They have sex all the time. They are sexually compatible and have a similar outlook. They even have the ‘chat’ about how things will be in the future when they’re married, and she says she will always make sex a priority as it’s important to her that they have this closeness.

Then they have kids. She doesn’t want sex any more. She just can’t be bothered. He is gutted. Pleads with her, says he isn’t happy. She doesn’t change.

Did he choose badly? Is it his fault he chose a shit wife? Did he miss the signs?

I disagree that being happy that you choose a man who you knew would be a good long term partner and father is smug.

It wasn’t luck that I decided to have children with a man who had the same long term values, goals, aspirations and a similar family outlook as me.

I see so many women I know well bumbling along and then being surprised when their husband and now father of their child does exactly what he’s always done all along.
Didnt do the chores before, it didn’t matter there were only two of us.
Always ditched her to see his friends at the last minute, he’ll be different when it’s his family.
Doesn’t ever consider her needs, oh he’ll mature.

I have always had quite a pragmatic approach to relationships. Love is not always everything.

I've walked away from people I fell in love with because the relationship wasn't right. One of those said he wanted to marry me. I saw what my life would be like with him and it wasn't going to be good.

I fell in love with DH but before I married him I had to be sure that life was going to be what we both wanted it to be. If it hadn't, for either of us, we wouldn't have taken that next step.

I think “a real man makes his own luck” is true for many things - it’s going to be true to a large extent in things like careers - but I think it’s much less true in matters of love.

Idk

Like you, I can’t speak for others. But I do think it’s a bit smug when some (I’m not saying you) tell OPs that the difference is the other women “chose a better husband than you did”.

There’s so much luck involved. And I don’t believe that all those whose husbands turned out well were actually looking for the signs and weighing them up. Most people just fall in love.

But yes, it’s very frustrating when people post on here “oh my boyfriend/ partner / husband is so awful because (insert abuse behaviour)” and then go on to have kids with them.

A real man makes his own luck - there is a lot wrong with that concept but also a lot right. Luck is generally where preparation and opportunity meet - if you ignore massive red flags pre-marriage it’s highly unlikely that you will end up with a decent husband.

There are obvious exceptions where women are preyed upon by abusers and narcissists who play the perfect gent before marriage and then later unveil their nastiness but my guess is that the vast majority of women married to useless men are not being abused.

I know someone just like this. Her life is Insta perfect. She’s gorgeous, always posting lovey dovey posts about her perfect DH. They wear expensive clothes and cars, and all the latest gadgets. On her DC’s birthdays they have the house professionally decorated and have a show stopper birthday cake, piles of presents plus a big party (more decorations etc). You’d think they were millionaires.

IRL she’s constantly slagging off her useless DH and threatening to divorce him. Her parents are always bailing them out because they haven’t got a pot to piss in and are drowning in debt. Take it all with a pinch of salt. SM can be truly pathetic.

At least you were looking at the signs though. They point towards him being good.

Like I say, I know many women who saw the signs they were gonna be a shite husband, told us about them, then married them anyway. That's what I'm talking about (can't speak for the others).

My ex husband was a fantastic uncle before we married, and showed all the signs of domestic involvement - did at least his share around the house pre kids and talked the talk really well. He was a terrible husband once we had children, and is not a great father even now.

On paper anyone would think I was making a sensible choice but you don’t know til it’s too late.

I mean obviously the answers to what would help are- a supportive husband, local family support (very important even if you have the supportive husband) and more money.

But I’m not liking the posters being smug about the fact they got a “good husband”. You weren’t so very clever and picked well - you can’t possibly know what they’ll be like as a father until they are one. There are clues but nowhere near certainty. You got lucky - own it.

That's basically the same as what the PP said then. Except about marriages where the intention is to have children.

Why wouldn't you do your very best to ensure you were on the same page about them, and for everything else? Why wouldn't you observe whether the person you were tying yourself to is going to be right for you and the life you want?

I know a lot of people who just jumped into marriage, mortgage, kids with the first man they found who are utterly miserable now. But the signs were all there before they did that. They just chose to ignore them.

My best friend for example. Moved in with her boyfriend, who binned half her decor and told her he wasn't having it in his home. She chose to ignore that, married him, had two kids and now is desperately unhappy, he won't come home from work half the time, says he's happier there, they fight when he is home but she can't leave him because "I love him", or "I can't afford the kids and a home on my own" or "it's just his depression". Talk about MN Bingo!

Social media is very fake, that’s your answer.

Haha yes I was pretty cautious 😉 talking and more importantly observing is essential before marriage. Definitely agree!

Presumably, though, you talked about things that were important to you before you got married? You assessed whether it was the right life decision for you to legally bind yourself to this man?

And if you didn't think it through further than "but I love him", why not?