To think these small comments from my Mum are actually quite mean?

I think this can be true.

Mine was so openly disparaging of me that her own mother (my gran) pulled me aside when I was a teen and said 'I don't know why she treats you like this but the problem's her not you'.

To this day I think it's the most important thing anyone's ever said to me. My mother was so unhappy with herself that I got the flack. Very sad but it's a definite pattern.

As other people have already commented, I would think her behaviour comes from:

• jealousy
• low self esteem
• wanting to keep you dependent on her approval.

It took me quite a while to realise that some of my mother's comments were about being controlling/manipulating, rather than wanting the best for me.

She regularly said undermining things like:

• 'don't wear shoes with straps they make your ankles look fat'
• how I needed to watch my weight (although when I see pictures of myself at the time I was a very skinny)
• making not so subtle comments about me ending up an 'old maid'
• making clear that I was not pretty. I remember once I was trying to get seen by someone at a company's reception and afterwards she said they would have been more interested in my query if it was 'a pretty woman' making it...

I would say make it clear you will no longer tolerate the undermining and spend less time with her.

When wedding dress shopping with my mother and soon to be mother in law my mother told me not to phone her in 3 years telling her my marriage was failing. That's hilarious mother. I phoned you when my marriage was over from my abusive ex who I had a young child with. Hilarious mother.

it's like she wants to keep you downtrodden and under her thumb.

Do you live at home ?

Yep, horrible behaviour. I agree with PPs who suggest asking 'why are you saying that?' every time she does. You could get into a pass agg loop by playing her at her own game but then everyone's just being a bellend.

I expect she wants to make you feel worthless so you spend more time with her. She can then be the only person that is willing to socialise with you and she won’t ever be abandoned. Pathetic behaviour.

My mother is a lot like that. Low self esteem, zero tact and absolutely never thinks before speaking. It's weird. She has all these concerns and fears for me failing that I don't particularly. I mean I'm not arrogant but she'd regularly ask 'have you failed (an exam)' for no reason and provide assurance it was ok to drop out of my course when it's going well. A huge, damaging amount of criticism growing up.

She also yammers on a lot about random peers' children. She had a favourite that I knew everything about who I realised didn't even know what I did for a living. I felt a bit creepy! That aspect might be latching onto something to talk about that has some element of commonality with you.

Call her out. Make her think about the impact of what she's saying.

Your mother must have extremely fragile self-esteem and sees you as a threat, so by negging you, she is showing her discontent with her own life, sees you as the youthful version she once was and is seething with anger. She is only happy when she can do what she believes is bringing you down a peg or two.

if you can see it from that perspective, then when she is being so cutting towards you, you can have an inner smile that you're doing just fine and you don't need to be offended or upset by her stupid remarks. It also helps you preserve your relationship with her, by not rising to the bait each time (maybe just minimise what she says and play a little game each time):

DM - your clothes are plain, but that's because you have a dull life so why buy anything dressy.

@55j5 - well, funnily enough I noticed a lovely dressy skirt when I went out with a friend recently, so I'm going to treat myself, so I can wear it for the work event coming up. Thanks for reminding me to make an effort - it was just the nudge I needed!

DM - Theres absolutely no point you bothering to ask your university tutor for a reference, she won't have a clue who you are.

@55j5 - well you'll be pleased to know she has sent me a glowing reference because of my dissertation which she said was one of the best she had seen in my year group. Were getting together for a coffee and a catch up the week after next.

in other words whenever she says something negative, turn it around into a positive - without saying as much, you're telling her she doesn't know what the hell she is talking about!

also try not to disclose everything going on in your adult life nowadays - keep a degree of mystique and protect yourself from her being able to take (undeserved) pot-shots at you.

OP I'm so sorry your mum is so mean to you, I agree that you should turn it back on her and compare her to your friend's mums who are nicer.

I don't think it's a generational thing though, I have an adult DD and I wouldn't dream of putting her down like this I'm super proud of her. And my own lovely mum wouldn't have done it to me either.

My mum also puts me down subtly. I sympathise OP. I can also relate to the talking randomly but over-enthusiastically about other people in a comparative way bit.

It took me a long time to recognise this in my Mum. It seems really common. I am mid fifties.

Yes it is unkind and she is comparing and making the little digs to show her displeasure at what she feels are your flaws.
So you have quite a quiet life and she would rather have a gregarious social butterfly to brag about.
She doesn't think you make enough of yourself so people will forget you as you aren't "bubbly" urgh.
They are small things but it's hurtful, and I'm sure she wouldn't see it as that hurtful but it is.
It's a shame because a nice outing like shopping but the comments send you home with a little ice splinter in your heart.

Oh my word I had never even thought of this, it's brilliant

My Mum has always put me down and raves on about her friends daughters and their bloody wonderful lives. The only time I've ever thought to answer back was when her friend was going on about her DD ringing from Australia wanting 'Mummy hugs'. My Mum very snidey asked why I didn't want or ask for 'Mummy hugs'

I just replied what you've never had you don't miss

My mother is from a culture where comparing your childrens activities seems to be a national sport. Its exhausting, she's also prone to being mean spirited and spiteful at times so I do empathise, I generally ignore unless its something really outrageous where I will ask her why she said that or what she means.

I read somewhere that often a child's first bully is their mother.

Whether it's jealousy, resentment, meanness, it carries on to adulthood because the child can never call it out because of guilt or upset.

And that's how they continue to do this to people.

Break the cycle, tell her nothing and when she does comment, stand up for yourself. It's the only way.

She sounds like a bitch, sorry. My recent ex’s mum was like this, she’s obsessed with peoples weight and what they eat, to the point no one invites her anywhere as they are fed up of hearing it. She would constantly talk to my ex when we visited her about ‘so and so’s son oh he looks great he must only weigh this much’ to saying only fat people drink alcohol and only overweight people do X, Y, Z - this would usually be anything me and my ex did and sometimes they were really bizarre suggestions that had nothing to do with food.

My mum would never put me down like this. I wonder how old your mum is because my ex’s mum was only 10yrs older than mine but she is so old fashioned, a true misogynist that believes everything is the woman’s job etc etc. and was so miserable and negative about everything, whereas my parents act a lot younger, very fun and ‘liberal’ in comparison.

And I am genuinely not MIL bashing here but I wonder if it’s a generational thing or if it’s mothers that hold similar views?

I sympathise. My mum is very similar.

It does not sound like jealousy, I think she is disappointed in you or your life choices. She may be in competition with other mothers who boast about their dc.

She does sound mean. I think some mothers, mine included, like to push their daughters down and wreck their self esteem.

All I know is “bubbly” gives me the rage.

This!

Yes. Mean and spiteful. It's negging, and usually means she is insecure, probably jealous of you and your youth, and the fact you have your whole life ahead of you ... Easier said than done, but try to ignore her.

Yes they are mean - my mum also says things like this - sometimes it’s deliberately mean sometimes it’s just her. You can confront my mum and she’ll get really nasty and then improve for a bit but she’ll always return quickly to her mean old self. You won’t change her and the reality is you will gradually stop telling her so much and build walls up to protect yourself. 😢

I think they're a bit mean. Can I ask how old your mum is because my mum does similar but doesn't necessarily mean to be mean. I wonder if it's a generational thing as I know she is sometimes perplexed by behaviours my friends and I will all be in accord on. I think mums think they can be direct to their adult daughters but daughters view it as being judged or patronised or belittled by their mums- and that they wouldn't say these things to anyone else so why to us.

I call my mum out now on the comments and say she's rude or unnecessarily sarcastic. I also interpret the deliberate gushing over others as intended to slight me - I have done since childhood. I usually remind her they're not that perfect and ask if they also fart rainbows? There are women I resent to this day due to childhood comparisons in their favour.

Can you gush about how supportive and nice your friends mothers are? Turn the tables on her and say how lovely/bubbly/slim they are ?