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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think these small comments from my Mum are actually quite mean?

82 replies

55j5 · 01/09/2024 16:26

My Mum is someone who comes across as so lovely, but sometimes she says things that I find really cutting and painful, even though they are small comments. For example, I went shopping with her and when we went for some food I was talking about the clothes I had just bought and saying how I really liked them, and she replied 'But it's not like you have anywhere to wear them as you never go out'. They were just casual clothes; I admit I have quite a small life, but they are just basic everyday clothes.

Another example is she is constantly gushing to me about my friends or her friends' daughters who are around my age. She is never positive about anyone else in the same way, only other women around my age. She will talk about how slim and gorgeous they are, or how bubbly and fun they are to be around, or how much money they make. It is completely over the top.

She also gives off the impression that I am just an unlikeable and easily forgettable person. An example is I was mentioning I was going to an old workplace of mine, and she said that my old colleagues wouldn't recognise or remember me as they didn't know me, even though I worked there for 2 years and it had been less than a year since I had left. When I emailed my university tutor for a reference, she said she would have forgotten who I was - she had been my tutor for 4 years at that point, and I had had weekly 1:1 meetings with her for months when she supervised my dissertation, and I had only graduated a few months beforehand. If anyone does anything nice for me, she implies it's because they feel sorry for me, or they have some underlying motive for doing so.

AIBU to think these kind of comments are said intentionally to be mean?

OP posts:
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IsawwhatIsaw · 06/09/2024 08:55

It’s sad because the relationship becomes distant . You can’t confide or share confidences

caringcarer · 05/09/2024 09:22

Your Mum is supposed to be your biggest supporter not tare you down. I'd go lower contact with her. Maybe she'll appreciate yh ou more if she sees you less. Stop telling her stuff about your life.

Chocolatebunny61 · 05/09/2024 09:19

I sympathise as my mum was exactly the same. My Dad wanted boys to carry on the family name and when I was born it was ‘never mind we will have a boy next time’ so my younger brothers have always been favoured over me. When my husband and I split up after 33yrs of marriage instead of sympathy all I got was ‘why did you let yourself go?’ - I might add that I’d just got over having both knees replaced after not been able to walk for many years which had caused the split. She died at the end of last year aged 95 and I’m sorry to say I don’t miss her at all.

Catandsquirrel · 05/09/2024 08:59

PoliteOtter · 05/09/2024 08:31

If it was my DM, there would be zero point as she’d just get offended and make it all about her.

Same here. I can tell you from experience

IsawwhatIsaw · 05/09/2024 08:48

My mother was like this. Endless criticism , not interested in my life, so I stopped sharing most of it. She died recently and I’m clearing her papers-wish I hadn’t read some of them because her thoughts are not nice to read.

PoliteOtter · 05/09/2024 08:31

Northernladdette · 05/09/2024 07:39

Tell her how she makes you feel ….

If it was my DM, there would be zero point as she’d just get offended and make it all about her.

chattyness · 05/09/2024 08:31

This reminds me of my mum too OP and I had 2 older sisters that she never did it to, I was a constant disappointment to her even though I was happy in my life, even my cousins who were similar to me were (according to her) better doing more being more (they weren't, but even if they were so what ?) If we all had the same pair of shoes theirs would look better on them etc silly stuff like that you know? She talked down about me to the extended family the whole time and when my first marriage broke up even though she didn't know the cause, I must have to blame and to quote her : "I've started smoking again because of you" I went NC 30 years ago and it was the best thing for my sanity that I ever did

Northernladdette · 05/09/2024 07:39

Tell her how she makes you feel ….

Suzuki70 · 02/09/2024 16:26

Oh god, the bloody "slim" comment. Blah blah's daughter is so slim! Well, yes, but I happen to know she is also miserable and I'm only a size 12 with a very nice life, so...

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/09/2024 16:08

Laiste · 02/09/2024 14:38

@LivingDeadGirlUK Well i think she went through meno in her early 40s, so not wildly early. But she did take 5 years to fall for me and didn't have any other DCs so perhaps had some other issues.

I would have more sympathy if it was the only weird thing she did (although why would you wish an early meno on your daughter i do not know) but she was just difficult and bitter about anything i did which was different to her or the way she did things. Loads of stuff. Everything. But the fact i had four DCs (married and planned) - she was always very cats bum face about.

I'm sorry to hear that Laiste, I was just pondering as menopause wasn't really something talked about a lot in the past so maybe she went through it early and was a bit jealous you hadn't, but early 40s isn't hugely early. Some people are just horrid though.

Laiste · 02/09/2024 14:38

@LivingDeadGirlUK Well i think she went through meno in her early 40s, so not wildly early. But she did take 5 years to fall for me and didn't have any other DCs so perhaps had some other issues.

I would have more sympathy if it was the only weird thing she did (although why would you wish an early meno on your daughter i do not know) but she was just difficult and bitter about anything i did which was different to her or the way she did things. Loads of stuff. Everything. But the fact i had four DCs (married and planned) - she was always very cats bum face about.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/09/2024 14:23

Laiste · 02/09/2024 13:29

Speaking of menopause, here's weird thing:
My mother has been desperate for me to get old since i got out of my teens! She herself sank into 'the aged parent' role very young. She didn't work after 30 when she had me (only child) She took no exercise, wouldn't travel, hardly any friends - just settled for being a typical 50s housewife - except it was the 80s/90s - shuffling about as if she was in her 80s.

She started giving me bits cut out of My Weekly about the menopause when my first DC was about a year old. I was 23 !!

If i was ever poorly she'd gleefully say things like ''oooooh it might be menopause! You are getting older!!'' I mean it was bloody weird ...

I went on to have 2 more kids before i was 30 but she pushed on with the menopause narrative right through that decade. She went quiet about it when i remarried and had a 4th DC in my early 40s. She's not mentioned menopause since actually. Thank god. I think she's finally given up (I still have reg periods and i'm mid 50s, i think my body is refusing to stop on principal now)

Sorry for the ramble it was good to get that off my chest 😊

Do you think she went through early menopause and was kind of hoping you would too?

Laiste · 02/09/2024 13:29

Speaking of menopause, here's weird thing:
My mother has been desperate for me to get old since i got out of my teens! She herself sank into 'the aged parent' role very young. She didn't work after 30 when she had me (only child) She took no exercise, wouldn't travel, hardly any friends - just settled for being a typical 50s housewife - except it was the 80s/90s - shuffling about as if she was in her 80s.

She started giving me bits cut out of My Weekly about the menopause when my first DC was about a year old. I was 23 !!

If i was ever poorly she'd gleefully say things like ''oooooh it might be menopause! You are getting older!!'' I mean it was bloody weird ...

I went on to have 2 more kids before i was 30 but she pushed on with the menopause narrative right through that decade. She went quiet about it when i remarried and had a 4th DC in my early 40s. She's not mentioned menopause since actually. Thank god. I think she's finally given up (I still have reg periods and i'm mid 50s, i think my body is refusing to stop on principal now)

Sorry for the ramble it was good to get that off my chest 😊

BobbinThreadbare123 · 02/09/2024 08:53

My mum does this too. Her internalised misogyny is one of the root causes, I think. I ignored it for years but I have really pulled back in the last 6 months or so. I have gone into perimenopause and made a comment about it, and she was so dismissive and mean. This is despite having a torrid time during her own menopause. No understanding at all.

allatseawiththis · 02/09/2024 08:45

stinkylionita · 02/09/2024 07:36

Mine is like this but with mine I don't actually think it is jealousy. She is very insecure and talks to herself unkindly. Things she wouldn't say to anyone else - except me. I actually think it's that she sees me as an extension of herself like we are the same and so she talks to me like she would talk to herself.

She's always been obsessed with appearance and the only time I've seen her really proud of me was when I dramatically lost weight, even when I confessed to her I had starved myself. With everything else - jobs, graduating etc her reactions have always been very muted. I'm obese now to her horror.

Her own mother did it to her and I think that was definitely jealousy. I think she was a narcissist and would often be unkind to me too and my mum would never stick up for me.

Mine was the same about weight - my sister lost loads of weight quite suddenly due to being very ill, aged maybe 11-12 or so, and mum’s only comment was how good she looked because she was thinner 😔

I think you’re onto something with the ‘seeing daughters as extensions of themselves’ things, and also with the intergenerational trauma that’s maybe passed down female lines especially.

OP, I hope you’re OK and that it’s reassuring in some way to know you’re not alone in having a difficult mum x

stinkylionita · 02/09/2024 07:36

Mine is like this but with mine I don't actually think it is jealousy. She is very insecure and talks to herself unkindly. Things she wouldn't say to anyone else - except me. I actually think it's that she sees me as an extension of herself like we are the same and so she talks to me like she would talk to herself.

She's always been obsessed with appearance and the only time I've seen her really proud of me was when I dramatically lost weight, even when I confessed to her I had starved myself. With everything else - jobs, graduating etc her reactions have always been very muted. I'm obese now to her horror.

Her own mother did it to her and I think that was definitely jealousy. I think she was a narcissist and would often be unkind to me too and my mum would never stick up for me.

Luminiiii · 02/09/2024 07:21

Give Jefferson Fisher a follow on instagram. He gives you perfect responses to say to comments like these. She obviously has a chip on her shoulder about something x

CableCar · 02/09/2024 07:18

Mary46 · 01/09/2024 16:35

Yes mine can be similar. Op dont tell her so much I realised I used do that. Now my answers are yes no. I dont tell her much

Ditto.

Tinysarah1985 · 02/09/2024 07:09

At a family wedding my mum said 'doesn't 123 look stunning?,I mean you looked nice at your wedding, but not stunning like 123 does' and just walked off like it was a normal comment to make. Nearly 10 years on it still goes round in my head.

flyinghen · 02/09/2024 06:57

Harvestfestivalknickers · 01/09/2024 16:40

Can you gush about how supportive and nice your friends mothers are? Turn the tables on her and say how lovely/bubbly/slim they are ?

Omg, this is perfect!! Slightly hypocritical, BUT perfect nonetheless!

allatseawiththis · 02/09/2024 06:54

MontyVerdi · 01/09/2024 19:25

I think this can be true.

Mine was so openly disparaging of me that her own mother (my gran) pulled me aside when I was a teen and said 'I don't know why she treats you like this but the problem's her not you'.

To this day I think it's the most important thing anyone's ever said to me. My mother was so unhappy with herself that I got the flack. Very sad but it's a definite pattern.

I keep coming back to this post - I’m so glad that your gran actually said this to you.

In my family, we’re expected to keep the secret of my mum’s awful behaviour. I was speaking to my gran (mum’s mum) about it a few weeks ago and she asked if DH’s family knew what mum was like. I said something along the lines of ‘a bit, but not entirely’, to which my gran replied ‘good’. 🤨

RickiRaccoon · 01/09/2024 22:33

That's horrible. It does sound like negging. I'd see it as her subtly putting you down so you should be more like she thinks you should be (slightly glamorous social butterfly?).

I just don't have much sympathy for people who can't get behind their own kids. We should all aspire to be parents who celebrate their kids being the individuals they themselves want to be. We choose our own paths and should support our kids to choose theirs.

TammyJones · 01/09/2024 22:21

Well done everyone for recognising it for what it is- and running for the hills.

PoliteOtter · 01/09/2024 22:20

AlertCat · 01/09/2024 19:42

Narcissistic mothers need to put their daughters down because they see them as competitors. Mine used to praise my sister to me, and unbeknownst to me, praised me to my sister, which effectively drove a wedge between the two of us and meant that she was the person who could go between us. The important one. She also said similar things particularly to my sister but also to me. Designed to belittle us or make her the more important or the better one. Covert narcissism is very hard to see; my sister still doesn’t see it and I only realised in the last couple of years; I’m in my mid forties. It’s really damaging. Some of the suggestions for dealing with it sound good- I hope you find a way that works for you. But it isn’t you- it’s definitely her.

Interesting- I think my DM does this with me and my sister.

Shortbread49 · 01/09/2024 21:33

Mine lost me now she has lost her only 2 grandchildren ( she criticised my daughter to her face when she was 5 luckily she didn’t understand it ) she doesn’t seem to have ever noticed