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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM booked last minute holiday when DC2 due

30 replies

Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 15:49

DC2 is due in 2 weeks time (planned section). DM was insistent on having DC1 when I am in hospital. She has sprung it on me today that her and DSF have decided to book a last minute holiday for that week so we need to make alternative arrangements.

We don’t have any other family locally that can help but thankfully my best friend has stepped in and will look after DC1 for a couple of days.

I am not entitled and do not expect anything from her (quite the opposite, she is incredibly selfish and hard work so I try keep her at arms length) but to push to have DC1 then let us down with such short notice and be so blasè about it has really annoyed me. AIBU?

OP posts:
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TomatoSandwiches · 01/09/2024 20:53

To offer and pressure you to agree then do this is so bloody awful, she obviously resents being a parent herself so no doubt she'll be a poor grandmother.
You can't count on her so I would just not bother to ask her again.
Sorry she's been shit.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 20:48

Gamergirl86 · 01/09/2024 20:01

My DM and DF went to Australia for the entirety of my 8th and 9th month of pregnancy for DC #2. Normally, she looked after DC #1 twice a week and had them over night once a week.

They knew i was struggling being pregnant with a toddler. They decided that was then was the best time to go. They also asked me to go over to their house and water the plants twice a week while they were away.

Some parents are there to help, some are there to teach us how not to parent.

Good luck OP.

Sorry to hear that and wow the audacity when you were heavily pregnant!

Spot on with teaching us how not to parent!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 20:47

KezzaMucklowe · 01/09/2024 19:53

So sorry to hear this op.
Glad your friend is helping out.
Yanbu, your mum sounds difficult.
Don't feel like you owe her anything going forward. It's fine to establish boundaries to safeguard yourself from her bullshit.
Look after yourself and take the time this next 2 weeks to relax a bit before the big day

Thank you for your kind words @KezzaMucklowe 💕

OP posts:
Gamergirl86 · 01/09/2024 20:01

My DM and DF went to Australia for the entirety of my 8th and 9th month of pregnancy for DC #2. Normally, she looked after DC #1 twice a week and had them over night once a week.

They knew i was struggling being pregnant with a toddler. They decided that was then was the best time to go. They also asked me to go over to their house and water the plants twice a week while they were away.

Some parents are there to help, some are there to teach us how not to parent.

Good luck OP.

KezzaMucklowe · 01/09/2024 19:53

So sorry to hear this op.
Glad your friend is helping out.
Yanbu, your mum sounds difficult.
Don't feel like you owe her anything going forward. It's fine to establish boundaries to safeguard yourself from her bullshit.
Look after yourself and take the time this next 2 weeks to relax a bit before the big day

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 19:41

Hatty65 · 01/09/2024 18:35

My DM did exactly the same with our last DC. Booked a last minute holiday when he was due, and then said with a merry laugh, 'Blame Frank and Margaret - they asked us to go away with them', apparently unaware that any normal person would have said, 'Sorry - can't make that week. Hatty's baby is due'.

I was forced to rely on a very, very kind neighbour that I didn't know that well when I went into labour.

I am very LC.

So sorry to hear that. Such awful behaviour I would never dream of doing this to my DC.

Sounds like LC is very much needed and I will be following in your footsteps!

OP posts:
simpledeer · 01/09/2024 18:40

My mother did the same. Absolutely deliberate in her case.

Hatty65 · 01/09/2024 18:35

My DM did exactly the same with our last DC. Booked a last minute holiday when he was due, and then said with a merry laugh, 'Blame Frank and Margaret - they asked us to go away with them', apparently unaware that any normal person would have said, 'Sorry - can't make that week. Hatty's baby is due'.

I was forced to rely on a very, very kind neighbour that I didn't know that well when I went into labour.

I am very LC.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 18:29

Thank you all for your helpful comments 🥰

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 18:28

JustASquareMoreChocolate · 01/09/2024 16:55

My mum does this. My father is worse so have forgiven a bit.

With my mum the best thing is to accept, not mention, and then reduce contact. Calling it out just causes emotional labour as it is minimised and I am gaslit.

Sorry to hear that. Thats exactly what happens when I call her out on anything. Somehow it’s my fault, I’m ungrateful, I should be thanking her for having food on my plate and a roof over my head as a child etc etc. Draining!

OP posts:
SoMauveMonty · 01/09/2024 16:56

Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 16:51

@LissyG no back story other than she’s always been incredibly selfish. I haven’t imposed any rules RE visiting baby. With DC1 she came over the night I’d gotten home from hospital which was a bit much post emergency section.

Well you know what to do from now on - if what she wants to do doesn't suit you, say no. Start putting yourself first.
Letting you down just 2 weeks before your surgery is really off, but she does have form. She doesn't deserve any consideration from you in the future.

JustASquareMoreChocolate · 01/09/2024 16:55

My mum does this. My father is worse so have forgiven a bit.

With my mum the best thing is to accept, not mention, and then reduce contact. Calling it out just causes emotional labour as it is minimised and I am gaslit.

JFDIYOLO · 01/09/2024 16:54

I wouldn't tell her the baby has been born til some time later. After everyone else has been told. And don't bother to factor her in as a source of help and support, so you can't be disappointed again.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 16:52

@Florafleur so sorry to hear that. How is your relationship now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 16:51

@LissyG no back story other than she’s always been incredibly selfish. I haven’t imposed any rules RE visiting baby. With DC1 she came over the night I’d gotten home from hospital which was a bit much post emergency section.

OP posts:
Florafleur · 01/09/2024 16:50

Mine did this too. She was in the UK when I gave birth ( only because the hospital agreed to an earlier CS date - what was I thinking to even ask).

She flew abroad the day after the birth, returning to spend Christmas Day with us whilst we provided a full Christmas meal with all trimmings of the day!)

My parents support has never improved.

Original poster
Coffeekitten · 01/09/2024 16:43

Thank you all. She has a lot of form so I don’t know why I’m even surprised. This is normal behaviour to me so sometimes I think this is normal and I’m unreasonable for being upset.

She pushed to have DC1 once a week when I went back to work then let me down last minute as it would ‘be inconvenient as she liked to get her hair and the dog groomed that day 😳😳’. Thankfully nursery could accommodate the extra day at short notice.
I should have known from this that I can’t rely on her but I thought me giving birth she might honour what she pushed for.

DSF is decent and has raised me as his own but he is very much a puppet and DM pulls the strings. I have no siblings so my DC are their only DGC.

Since DC1 was born I have increasingly seen her in a very different light after years of thinking I’m the problem so plan to go very low contact.

OP posts:
Clearinguptheclutter · 01/09/2024 16:31

That’s pretty awful
does she have form for stuff like this?
either way you need to absolutely call her out and ask her what does she expect you to do with dc1 when you are in hospital and your dh is (presumably) looking after you and siblings are not allowed

Bellyfullofbiscuits · 01/09/2024 16:28

Gosh that is terrible, I'm sorry. Why on earth would you do that to your own daughter/ grandchildren? I have heard some things in heard, but that is rubbish.

pizzaHeart · 01/09/2024 16:24

Sirzy · 01/09/2024 15:50

Because she had offered to do childcare it was wrong of her to then turn around at the last minute and say no.

This^

Blueberry911 · 01/09/2024 16:22

Tell her to enjoy your holiday and PLEASE call her out on letting you down. Let her know you won't be trusting her with any responsibility again.

Absolutely awful, I'm so sorry.

MigGril · 01/09/2024 16:19

My inlaws did this when I was expecting DC2, it's one of the many reasons we are very low contact with them.

Luckily like you I had a wonderful friend who stepped in. Good luck with your baby and don't think about your mother.

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2024 16:18

I cannot understand that at all

How much do you have to do with her?

anon4net · 01/09/2024 16:14

That's horrible@Coffeekitten as a Mum I can't fathom doing this to your adult DC especially when it's such an important event in your life and you will need support. I hope things go well and congratulations on baby 2!

Smartiepants79 · 01/09/2024 16:12

That is absolutely awful. Never rely on her again. You