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Original poster

For my brother to make my cancer diagnosis all about him?

30 replies

drivinmecrazy · 01/09/2024 11:48

I sent my brother a WhatsApp last night about my recent cancer diagnosis.

We are cordial but aren't very close.

Normally I'd not involve him in my personal life, but my diagnosis means I'm not going to be able to be there for my 80yo DM who lives in another country.

Until now I've always been the one to be there for her if she's been ill or needed help. I was happy to do this.

DB hasn't even visited DM in 12 years but she seems happy with his once a week phone call.

So, I let him know that I wouldn't be available for the next few months if something were to happen and would appreciate it if he would step up if needed.

This morning I received a lengthy reply about all the woes in his life, and there are many.

So I'm left feeling hurt that he's never stepped up and upset that he can't see what he's done is unfair on me.

I only told him because we share a mother.

I'm really sad for him about some of his issues of course, and had I known previously I'd have tried to support him better.

But I feel he's still throwing excuses about as to why he can't and couldn't help his own mother.

I'm feeling particularly hurt because I've chosen to tell only a very few people who need to know.

As an aside, my very good friend told her adult daughter about my diagnosis when I'd specifically said I wanted to keep it private for now.
Her daughter sent me a message the day after, albeit a lovely message, saying how sad she was about my diagnosis.

Feel like not telling anyone from this point forward, I doesn't seem to be worth the emotional effort THH

OP posts:
Badbadbunny · 01/09/2024 12:14

YANBU. OH didn't tell his family (or ours for that matter) after his initial cancer diagnosis. He just knew his sister would turn it around and make it about her. It's what she's always done. (When he did finally tell her, true to form, it was all about her and now what he was going through!).

As said above, "useless people are useless". They really don't change. My OH's sister wouldn't have stepped in to help as she never has done in the past for other things.

MIL has dementia. OH is her main carer. Sister is too "emotionally stressed" to actually do anything tangible to help as she can't "cope" with her mother having dementia (Oh Diddums!). She even cocks up taking her shopping on the very rare occasions OH couldn't (in middle of chemo, etc) - takes her to a different shop, MIL gets confused, sister can't even follow the shopping list OH has given her, MIL comes home with loads of stuff she doesn't need and without loads of stuff she does need. As I say "useless people are useless".

OH just does it himself. Things take longer as he has to plan things like MIL gp appointments, etc between his own medical appointments, but it's just easier as everything he asks sister to do ends up in arguments, cock ups, etc. and OH ends up picking up the pieces anyway.

TizerorFizz · 01/09/2024 12:13

I have experience of a family member like this in terms of not taking any responsibility for our DM. I’m so sorry you are ill snd it’s very hard. I think your DB has built a life around his needs and it doesn’t involve family. My Dsis virtually disappeared for 6 years. My DDs probably have seen her less than 10 times in 30 years, although twice in the last year and one of them was for DMs funeral. So what Im trying to say is that these people are able to walk away from family, even when they are very old. They don’t have capacity for others.

If I was in your shoes, I would be upset. However I think a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Their life is totally about them. My DM got the phone calls (and the remote advice) too! Never the visits. These people do get on with whom they choose as friends but dodge the difficult tasks with family. They curate an easier life, as they see it. Although your db hasn’t entirely managed this.

I think your illness doesn’t fit in with the curated life. I’ve wondered what I would do in similar circumstances. I think in general I’d tell very few people. My DDs but not anyone else. Others don’t need to know in my family as DM has died. Others find comfort in telling everyone they know but we aren’t all the same. I can say I have learnt that some people do purely think of themselves and are happy for others to look after close family without feeling any need to get involved. It is a life without empathy for some. I and dm fell into this category but not everyone does. Some people are chosen as worthy of concern but others are not. You have my sympathy as it feels horrible and that you aren’t loved or cared for. Hope you get better very quickly. All the best.

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 01/09/2024 12:07

Thankyou both for your replies.
So sorry you're also going through this HausOfLumiere, it's a whole pile of shite!

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 01/09/2024 12:03

Oh no, that's really sad. I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and your brother. Some people dont mean to, but they just turn things back onto them without realising it. Some are of course, are self indulgent too. Just mentally bin him off. If you can't help your mum, you can't help her.

Ask dB if he could go 50:50 on buying some help over the next few months. Say your sorry to hear about his news but you really can't carry on with mum and neither can you pay for help due to your current health related costs.

It's sad but useless people are just useless. Some can have it gently pointed out ( only you know if it's worth trying to say 'I'm really sorry to hear this, but is there no chance,at all of any visits to mum as I'm going to be on chemo, sick, immunosupressed, weeak ehatever spell it out, and genuinely not possibleat all to help) I have relatives who get angry if I point out that they don't show interest then add in that's my fault so it like doubling down to get you to go away

HausOfLumiere · 01/09/2024 11:58

I’m going through almost identical situation and all I can say for now is please don’t hesitate to PM me .. even if those scary and painful sleepless nights and you need an ear to listen to i can be at the end of the phone and i think i’ll understand (im stage 4 now .. late 30s single mum to two DS) and you’ll have zero worries of anyone knowing as we probably live 100s of miles away from each other

sending 💐