To reach out to my DH's ex to see if he was abusive in their relationship?

If you’re in another country, you can only bring the kids back to the UK with your ex’s permission. You can return to the UK but your kids are considered residents of new country.

If you can’t leave then any confirmation from ex is going to meaningless. If she contacts your h then how angry will he be ? It’s probably not worth the risk. She may say he wasn’t abusive to avoid drama and the risk of him contacting her and her loved ones too. I understand that you’ve been abused so your confidence about what is reality has been skewed but I’d be wary of angering your h or having him and the ex coming at you.

What difference would it make? How would it even change what he's doing to you? Make it ok? Not ok?

I think it's unfair to drag up old wounds for her just to validate your feelings, when you're not going to leave anyway.

I understand why you want to ask her - I felt exactly the same, in the same situation (except she had kids with him as well) - you feel you need that validation to prove to you that you are not going crazy, that what you think is happening IS what is happening.

The reality is that you don't need anyone else to tell you, you just somehow need to trust your gut (and believe me I know exactly how hard this is) and get you and the DC out of there. My ex manipulates our kids in a similar way, and all I can offer to counter that is for you to develop a deep sense of trust with yours, so that they know you are not and will not lie to them...they will work the rest out as they get older. My youngest will now, completely of his own volition say "dad is nice all the time now, not like he used to be...and he could be really nasty"...because he saw it for himself.

With regard to contacting his ex, you may not get the response you want from her in any case, she may not have recognised it as abuse, and then where will that leave you? Also, as others have said, it may take her back emotionally to something she'd rather forget...and your friends have given you plenty of understanding why that might be, you don't need to hear it from her as well.

I completely get the turmoil and the questioning as to whether it's real and are you imagining it, is it as bad as you think it is, or are you over-reacting. This is how abuse works, your view of things becomes completely skewed over time. I am a few years' away from him now but still struggle with it some days, so I understand only too well how pernicious it is.

Get you and the kids back to a safe place in the UK where he can't take any steps to force you to stay by not letting them leave, and then deal with it. There are plenty of women on here who have been through it, and they, and I, will support you every step of the way. There is a better and happier life waiting for you I promise.

You could contact Women's Aid to ask for advice on obtaining the police checks without a current UK address.

Sending best wishes . . .

YANBU if my exes new partner asked I wouldn't be a dick, I'd be glad I could save her from what I went thorugh a little. His ex before me apparently was evil and tried to kill him, I suspect now there was alot more to that and would love to be able to ask her.

You've been with him for 10 years, you know what he's like. You don't need an ex to agree with you. And of course, what if she doesn't? It won't change that he's abusive to you and that his drinking and nastiness will fuck up your children.

You are going to have to find a way to leave him. It's never simple, it may take longer term planning. You don't need his permission to leave, you don't have to justify it.
You could make a start by contacting Women's Aid.
Where are your family?

I wait for the day my exes new girlfriend asks me the same. I was on the edge of telling her but I didn't feel it would do me or her any good, she'd think I was the crazy ex.

I'd help you OP. However, even if he was an angel to her it doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. I know it's not easy to leave but start to put plans in place now, it unfortunately won't get better.

Do you want to stay in the country you're in if you split up OP? If I was abroad I'd work on getting us all back home first as you can get stuck where the kids are habitually resident and that can cause massive problems if you don't want to be there.

Have you tried 101?

No, don't contact her. Make a Claire's Law request with the police and get support from a domestic abuse charity like Women's Aid, they won't force you in to leaving but can support you in being safe and getting to a point where you can see a way out.

Honestly where I am currently with the trauma from XH abuse if a new partner of his asked me if he'd been abusive I would say that he was abusive, but I wouldn't be sharing any of the details, especially not with someone who was still with him. I don't know if that would help someone in your position or not and I'd love to say like a PP that I'd support them through it and maybe years in the future I could but right now I struggling enough to keep myself from drowning in the trauma and I have nothing left.

ETA: Even if she tells you he is I'm not sure it would help. I know my XH is abusive, I left, I still don't 100% belive myself. It's what abuse does to you, you've been manipulated and pushed into a place where you don't believe your own experiences. I finally settled for it doesn't matter if he is abusive and it was 'just' a really toxic relationship that because of how it was effecting me and my ability to be there for my kids I had to leave before I fell apart completely.

No, don’t drag her back to a bad place. You know it ended badly, that tells you all you need to know surely?

Can you do a Clare’s Law check on him?

It is irrelevant what their relationship was like.

If your children are ordinarily resident in the country you are living in, you probably won’t be able to leave that country with them unless he agrees to it. Are your family in UK or in the country you live in?

It doesn’t matter if he was abusive towards her. He is abusing you and your children and that’s enough. You’re not crazy; the abuse is happening.

Try speaking to Women’s Aid or have a look at their website (Incognito mode) for some more information on how you could make leaving work financially.

I wouldnt, it doesn't change your relationship.

what difference would it make if he was or wasn't abusive? He is abusive towards you, that is all you need to know.

Can you make an application under Claire's law instead? but in the end, you know what you need to know.

Do NOT get in touch.

I have made an account just to tell you this.

An ex-partner's current gf once came into my place of work and begged me to help her leave him. His behaviour had obviously escalated since we had been together but he was abusive both physically and sexually to me.

I felt like I was going to pass out. I had no way of helping her and I didn't want to be retraumatised and get back involved either despite feeling for her. I am incredibly anxious anyway and this made me feel horrendous.

This led to him coming into my place of work himself and wanting to know why I had fed his gf a 'pack of lies'. He then began abusing me verbally again and he knew where I worked now. I felt so scared. I literally moved cities. I still have nightmares about him finding me.

This was all before social media and I was very young myself so I simply did not know enough about how to help just incase anyone says that I should have told her to do x y or z.

All this to say, you know he is abusive. Do not retraumatise someone from more than TEN years ago.

What difference does it make?

He is abusive and you know this.

You know it's not a safe place for you or your children.

Whatever she says, won't make it and more or less safe.

Please try to get help.

You already have all the information you need. He was abusive to her & he's abusive to you

Yes YABU. If you've been together over 10 years and they have no ties she will have very much much moved on and tried to forget. You should not try to drag it all up for her. You are an adult and capable of seeing what's going on, someone else telling you how things were 10 years ago will not change anything, if she even replied.

And is the 5 year old witnessing and hearing this "sloppy drunk" ?

You have family to stay with, do that. Get out, he sounds dangerous.

Its all very well to say you can't leave but you can, it's just not very pleasant and a lot of hassle but many of us have done it.
I can't see what reaching out to his ex will do - he is abusive to you, that is all that matters.
I went to a women's refuge and was housed from there. Eventually bought my own house and you can work again when they go to school.
There is usually an incident that makes you realise you can't live there any more, one day you will experience that incident and then you will leave.
Lets just hope he doesn't physically or mentally destroy you or the children before then.
I got an injunction out and my ex wasn't allowed to see DS until he was 18.
Emotional damage can destroy children and cause complex PTSD when it goes on and on for years, that destroys their lives for ever.