Would you go nc with your parents for this

I do find that odd - as I'd hope my kids will always be welcome and tend to like a full house at the moment.

I don't think it's just about her living at home, though, it's about her being 23 and having no life other than work and "occasionally going to the gym".

Most parents want more for their adult children than that - I lived at home in my twenties for a while, but I worked, learned to drive, spent time with my friends, dated, went for weekends away or on days out, and generally had a "life" outside of their house.

There's a big difference between an adult child living with you and leading an otherwise fulfilled life, and an adult child working 4 days a week but doing practically nothing else.

You’ve had one small dosage with your parents and you’re wanting to go NC with them while still living in their house? Talk it over with them and find out what it is that’s bothering them, and if it’s not going to work out then move out. You don’t have to cut contact over it though.

I don't think the thread is derailed b/c people think you are going NC while living with them. I think people are clearly trying to tell you this is a minor argument/disagreement and going NC with parents over it, is an extreme and nor appropriate reaction.

The reality is, it does impact them. When my eldest started sixth form she was around much more and it did change the dynamic. That's not a problem, but it does change things. Maybe they are enjoying their retirement and having the place to themselves? maybe they find having you live there as an adult hard? Many retired people do, it doesn't mean they don't love you. Do you pay rent and do equal chores?

It's time to move out. You are 23, have a job (well done!) and you can now rent somewhere or get flatmates and have a good relationship with your parents where they have their space and you have yours.

@AcrossthePond55 where did op say she did not help around the house or do chores.

@giantcolouringbook

Have you taken on board anything posters have said about 'doing your share'? If you feel you already do your share, exactly what are you doing?

I personally feel like this is a heartless and unnecessary way to treat a child in their home

But you are NOT a 'child', you are an adult. And TBH I and probably quite a few posters had household 'chores' growing up such as dusting, doing dishes, hoovering, or mowing the lawn etc. It's how a child learns how to clean/keep house and to 'do a share'. These are things we take with us into adulthood. If your parents didn't teach you this via chores then I am sorry. But it's time you learnt it now.

Ha my mind went to the same place @TheRozzers thanks for a much needed LOL moment there

Perhaps OP might clarify but I think there's a difference between never wanting to do things with your adult child and feeling compelled to always being doing family activities.

My adult DS (similar age to OP, also lives with me) and I go out for coffee and cake and a walk and chat once a week or so. We normally have a lovely time. However, if he suggested we did it more often, I would politely decline.

Do you have friends, hobbies, etc? You sound to me to be very much a "homebody" and at 23, your parents likely think you need to develop more of a life for yourself. If my child at 23 was still living at home and spending a lot of time there, I wouldn't be terribly thrilled that they were going to have an additional day of hanging around the house.

Move out. It'll be the making of you.

Hi OP,

Your parents sound like they've been unkind but I think it's probably coming from an old school view that people should be working 5 days regardless and extra time off is just laziness.

It's definitely unkind. I'd be delighted for my son or daughter if this was the case. Congrats to you.

I think in the back of their minds they are worried about you, at 23, being cooped up at home 3 days out of 5 when you should be out living your young life.

It's probably time for you to move out, but in the meantime, maybe there are some small things you can do usefully to help? Mow the lawn, any painting they need done, take some stuff to the tip?

Once you move out, please don't go no contact! They are flawed but they are your parents. As a mum i know that none of us get it all right. We are all only doing what we think is best, for right or wrong. They love you and they have allowed you to stay home until 23 so that's something. My parents have got a lot wrong in life as well, but basically raised me well and for that they should be appreciated.

I try to do things as a family but they always want to do their own thing, even in the evening.
I personally feel like this is a heartless and unnecessary way to treat a child in their home-

For what ever reason they are unhappy with you being in their house at 23.

I do find that odd - as I'd hope my kids will always be welcome and tend to like a full house at the moment.

However I do wonder if you are in someway hard work - or like my brother view parenst house as somehow there family home ie yours in someway - brother was odd after bereavement Dmum had to have words that it was her house and he got no say it who came in and did things for her - he still got stuff in their house and he in his 50s - keeps being told to move it does a bit then stops.

They've also said if I'm going to be home an extra day of in the week I need to do something with it and not just hang around the house.
My dad is retired and spends every day hanging around the house doing nothing.

It's not comparable, is it? Your dad is hanging around after 40+ years of full time working, and in the house which has paid for. It would be more impressive if you told them you were going to use your extra day, say, to get some more qualifications or learn a new skill (e.g. in IT) , or to go volunteering or whatever.

@PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket in all honesty these do not sound like parents that would want to do childcare for grandchildren anyway. they already begrudge their child (though now an adult) spending time with them and wanting to do stuff as a family.

I am sorry OP but it sounds like it is best for you to move out for your own sake and then maybe while not cutting them out go low contact and see how much time they actually want to spend with you.

Can you clarify what your parents mean by 'doing something'? Do they think you don't pitch in enough with cleaning, cooking, home 'duties' so they want you to use your extra day off to do your 'fair share'?

I thought something quite different tbh. Quite a few of my colleagues work compressed hours and they use their day off to (amongst other things) play golf, go canoeing, undertake large dressmaking projects, go away on long weekends etc.

i.e. whilst they might potter around the house occasionally, the day off is normally being quite purposefully spent. I do wonder if this is what OP's parents mean. Whilst there is nothing wrong with lounging round the house and watching a bit of TV, it shows a distinct lack of - something - for a 23 year old to actively plan to do this every week, when they are already doing it every evening and weekend.

There's no way that what you describe would ever justify going NC. That would be unnecessary, cruel, and probably worse for you as well.

You are not a child. Your parents are telling you loud and clear that the time has come for you to move out. They want their peaceful retirement for just the pair of them, which is perfectly fair. Maybe they do swing naked from the chandeliers when you are not around and don't want to lose one day a week of that.

You are coming across as self centred and over entitled here. You will probably be back in a few years complaining that your parents won't do any childcare for you and you don't understand why.

I think you need to reflect on the question of whether you are actually "a child".

I think if you look carefully you will find that you are in fact an adult.

Do you literally do nothing other than work and sometimes go to the gym?

God that's depressing for a 23 year old.

I really think you need to consider where you are in life. Do you have friends? Dates? Hobbies? It doesn't have to revolve around drinking, lots of people don't drink

People like their own space.
Not so much since covid and working habits have changed in the last 20 or so years, but many women used to dread when their partners retired because they would be hanging around the house all day.

But surely with compressed hours you will be out of the house longer on the days that you are working? If your parents (mother) are cooking your meals this will affect them, because they will either need to eat later if you all eat together or put something on one side for you.

PS My 24 year old has a day off in the week (works 8+ hours on the other days anything between 8 am and 6 pm). On the "extra" day off, she does her washing, helps with the shopping or housework or dog walking and cooks a meal. Sometimes we all go on a family outing during the week in which case the household tasks are done at the weekend.

Maybe your reaction might be telling you something about why they value their space.

It's understandable that your parents, having raised their family and now being retired, might want some quiet time during the week while you're at work.

Whether you realise it or not, spending an additional day at their house will change the dynamic of their daily or weekly routine. While you might appreciate having an extra day off from work, for them, it means losing a day of the alone time and quiet they value.

It's important to recognise that your parents are individuals with their own lives and needs, and now that you're an adult, their world doesn't revolve around you. They've fulfilled their role in raising you and deserve to enjoy their private time together. This is natural.

Cutting off contact with them over this isn't justified. That would be a self-centered reaction and shows a lack of understanding of the stage of life your parents are at.

You haven't answered any of the questions asking how much of a part you play in the upkeep of the house.
How much housework do you do? Do you pay rent?

Adults in a shared home consult each other about changes in routine and schedule to check it works for everyone in the household. That was your first oversight. A husband or wife consult each other, for example.

A dependent adult child living with their parents is at home, but it is not their house. It is the parent's house and they ultimately decide what works for them. Your parents have told you it does not work for them. You are not a child any longer, you're an adult. You have to respect their wishes.

You said you have tried to engage with them more in evenings and they want to do their own thing. Good for them! So common sense may have told you that an additional day in the house would not be welcome. It isn't that you are unloved, it is that they want their own time, their own space and to reclaim their non-parent identity a bit more than you are ready to accept.

You may not think about it but you will be home another day of the week, meaning more food, more bills, added disruption that thing inevitably brings. You are asking more from your parents with no consideration to what that means. I also doubt you pay full market rates or you would be living independently. Why did you think that was a decision you could make without asking first?

Lastly, I am afraid they probably see your decision and to choose to work less (weekdays) at your age as a step backwards, not forwards. A 20-something doing compressed hours, with no apparent reason other than wanting to hang around the house, probably seems like they are even further from enjoying their retirement as a couple. You don't seem to want to use the day for study for example, or maybe build a business, or volunteer. I wouldn't be happy with my adult kids being home on a weekday, under my feet, running utilities etc. That is my view, not everyone's of course, but I can't get behind the choices you want to make as a 20-something. And for me, that is why it would be time for you to move out and get a taste of living independently.

Maybe they do things during the day they don't want you involved in, or they may be worried they will be running around after you all day. Your response is irrational and extreme which makes me wonder if they walk on eggshells around you, if this is the case, having you around for another day would be difficult for them. Maybe start by asking them why they feel this way and responding to whatever their reason is in a mature non confrontational way and if you don't like it, you need to move out

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