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Original poster

How do you 'recover' from a row?

54 replies

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 06:59

I have a really negative personality flaw, in that I find it hard to let go of bad feelings after a row/upset with DH.

Example, I spent effort and time baking a cake for him as he'd said he fancied cake, he had a slice, I asked "is it OK?" And he said "meh".

I was hurt and felt zero appreciation. I told him that I was disappointed he didn't like it, and he said 'It's fine. I like 9/10 things you cook/make."

I do 100% of all the cooking.

He said sorry and reflected that maybe he could have been kinder, but I'm still upset.

This turned into a bigger row because he told me I should let it go because he apologised.

Is this my problem? Should I immediately let go of any upset when he says sorry?

OP posts:
Original poster
LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 07:15

Borninabarn32 · 01/09/2024 07:08

I think taking everything to heart as a personal attack isn't helping you.

He doesn't have to like everything you bake. Sometimes things don't turn out right, sometimes one person loves something that isn't to another's taste.

Is he supposed to lie and say everything is amazing beucase you can't handle a luke warm reception of something you've done? Do you really want your partner to treat you with kiddy gloves?

When I'm upset with DP or vice versa, he'll apologise for upsetting me, he'll give his side, I'll listen and try to understand, he's a good man, his side is usually just as fair as mine. Sometimes I still just feel abit shit, more so now I'm heavily pregnant, I'm pretty sensitive and needy right now I admit. But I don't treat him badly or sulk about it. Becuase I know he hasn't deliberately upset me. We make more effort to be close and affectionate, do something nice together. When I get over it I apologise for over reacting or just plain being wrong, he apologises again for making me feel that way and we move on.

He didn't really love a cake you made, he hasn't done anything wrong at all.

Thank you, this is really helpful!

I had a pretty awful upbringing and no normal/healthy modelled behaviour (alcoholism, drug abuse household) so I feel I'm having to learn to go against instinctive emotions I have.

This isn't an excuse though, I want to be a better partner.

OP posts:
LeontineFrance · 01/09/2024 07:11

Is the poor man not allowed an opinion? What would you have done if he had said he did not like it and was being honest? Talk about controlling.

MassiveTit · 01/09/2024 07:08

Oh my goodness!! I am just talking about this on another thread and my tendency to catastrophise and for things to escalate. I feel so justified in my hurt and if the other person just cared they would try harder to make me feel better. Then two days later when things have completely fallen apart I feel awful. No advice but following for help!

Borninabarn32 · 01/09/2024 07:08

I think taking everything to heart as a personal attack isn't helping you.

He doesn't have to like everything you bake. Sometimes things don't turn out right, sometimes one person loves something that isn't to another's taste.

Is he supposed to lie and say everything is amazing beucase you can't handle a luke warm reception of something you've done? Do you really want your partner to treat you with kiddy gloves?

When I'm upset with DP or vice versa, he'll apologise for upsetting me, he'll give his side, I'll listen and try to understand, he's a good man, his side is usually just as fair as mine. Sometimes I still just feel abit shit, more so now I'm heavily pregnant, I'm pretty sensitive and needy right now I admit. But I don't treat him badly or sulk about it. Becuase I know he hasn't deliberately upset me. We make more effort to be close and affectionate, do something nice together. When I get over it I apologise for over reacting or just plain being wrong, he apologises again for making me feel that way and we move on.

He didn't really love a cake you made, he hasn't done anything wrong at all.