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Original poster

To quit work and be a SAHM?

188 replies

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 21:31

MIL and FIL sadly died young (both in their 60s) and have left DH and I in a position where we will have no mortgage, and a sizable (for us) amount of savings. We have two DC (3 and under 1).

We should have enough inheritance to really set ourselves up (holiday home time share, solar panels, sell our home and completely redecorate MIL'S larger home to move in to, electric car, savings for both DC). Combining the electric car with the savings from solar panels and the fact that we'd have no mortgage, we should just be able to live on DH's wage, however we would have to pay for nursery for youngest DC out of savings until she was 3 as we'd lose the free hours entitlement as I wouldn't be working.

I was thinking of quitting work next year when eldest DC starts school, and potentially never working in a particularly career minded way again. I could work casually in my current field, picking up occasional work once or twice a month with no difficulty and it would keep me up to date with current practices and training should I change my mind.

It would be a tight squeeze (we would still be able to save each month but less than currently), and if we had another CoL crisis or similar I'd have to return to work, but there would no immediate hurry because of the savings we'd have. DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension. I would be a few years shy of a full state pension but I'm only mid-thirties so would have time to pay in once DC are bigger.

AIBU to think this could work?

OP posts:
Barbarararara · 31/08/2024 22:53

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 22:52

I still don’t get it, when you finish maternity leave you will both only be working 3 days a week anyway? And 4 days a week with you both off won’t be enough to keep on top of every day life and chores??

Why not just pay for a cleaner and a gardener to take some of the load of? You would be staying at home to have your youngest in nursery 2 days anyway and effectively be an unpaid cleaner during that time.

Edited

It's ok if op wants to be a stay at home mum regardless of previous working hours or when dh works.

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 22:52

I still don’t get it, when you finish maternity leave you will both only be working 3 days a week anyway? And 4 days a week with you both off won’t be enough to keep on top of every day life and chores??

Why not just pay for a cleaner and a gardener to take some of the load of? You would be staying at home to have your youngest in nursery 2 days anyway and effectively be an unpaid cleaner during that time.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:51

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 31/08/2024 22:40

The only part of your plan that I disagree with is buying a timeshare. It’s so much easier to just go on holiday when and where you choose without any complications!

So the timeshare had been in our family for 30 years or so, the service charge for the year is cheaper than two weeks of high season holiday at the destination, and we go to the same place every year anyway 😂 (I'm a bit of a home bird!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:50

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 22:22

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to manage juggling family and work if he only works 3 days a week then and why the only logical response is for you to quit?

DH works very long hours on those three days. It means I have no support for getting up/bedtimes/meals and also struggle to manage the housework on those days because youngest DC is at home with me and the clingiest baby in existence. When I go back to work, I work the same days as DH. On the days off, we have both children at home with us, DH wants to do fun family things, and trying to keep on top of the house, the washing, the cooking etc. on those days whilst both children are at home is proving incredibly difficult.

Alternatively, we considered changing my working days so I worked when DH was off, and vice versa, but neither of us have the desire to do that as we enjoy spending time together as a family and don't want to work opposite days and never get to see each other.

I could also stay home and do the housework, or DH could, whilst the other took the children out, but, again, we enjoy spending time together as a family, so if we can afford it, we'd like to continue to do so.

When both girls are at school, I may look at different part time work, but work that actually fits around school hours and allows for all of the holidays, sickness, inset days, seem to be difficult to find.

OP posts:
Toastcrumbsinsofa · 31/08/2024 22:40

The only part of your plan that I disagree with is buying a timeshare. It’s so much easier to just go on holiday when and where you choose without any complications!

TheHateIsNotGood · 31/08/2024 22:37

I'd be getting back to work, mostly because we need as much taxes coming in as possible, at least to pay your DP's and the many others' defined benefit pension entitlements without bankrupting the country in 15-20 years.

theduchessofspork · 31/08/2024 22:29

I think it would be better for you to both reduce your hours. Unless he loves his job he’s going to end up resenting you, you will be careerless if you ever split up, and it doesn’t sound to me like you have enough to comfortably do nothing - university is expensive etc.

Daisiesanddaffodils24 · 31/08/2024 22:29

If I was you I'd take a career break, initially for 2-3 years, then make the decision after you've tried it.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:26

Bobbie12345 · 31/08/2024 22:05

My questions would be…

  1. Does your husband have decent insurance? You might end up in a real mess otherwise if he had a health issue that reduced his ability to earn.
  2. How confident are you that you will never want to return to more qualified work? You will become less desirable the longer you are off. Is there any danger that in a few years the kids don’t need you as much and you get bored at home/ want your kids to see you as ‘more’.
  3. Have you really done the calculations on what retirement looks like if you don’t work vs if you do even part time? Six figures in savings is great, and also not great when you think of the length of time you will need it for. To get the money from your house you have to sell it ( or take on a mortgage) which you might not want to do for decades yet.
  4. Plan for the worst. If you split up… what then?
  1. Yes, he does, and very good sick pay if needs be.
  2. I would still be able to work in the same role, just in a casual fashion rather than with career progression, so it may not be a big problem if I did decide I wanted to go back.
  3. I haven't, but family members have and have said retirement would be OK, especially if I go back more frequently once DC are older.
  4. I have savings of my own, I'd have to increase my work to full time, which wouldn't be too difficult in terms of finding a job. The practicalities would be difficult but it always would be I suppose when divorce happens.
OP posts:
Lelophants · 31/08/2024 22:25

Nice to read a positive sahm thread for a change.

Life is short. Do it!

wombpaloumbpa · 31/08/2024 22:23

This is sort of similar to what happened to me. I have been a SAHM for 3 years, my kids were same age as yours. It's been brilliant really. I'm about to start looking to return to work now.

Main issues I had with it were:

  • it's pretty isolating socially at times. You love the time with your little kids but sometimes its lonely not seeing or talking to many adults. Despite best intentions.
  • you will have to deal with a lot of people telling you their various opinions of how your lazy, selfish towards your husband, not feminist, must not be very smart etc BUT please know this is to do with them, not you.

When you are old one day I don't think you'll regret taking up the opportunity to spend lots of time with your little people!

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 22:22

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to manage juggling family and work if he only works 3 days a week then and why the only logical response is for you to quit?

Sadmamatoday · 31/08/2024 22:20

Personally I'd do it, but then maybe pick up a part time job later on just to keep you being social and interacting with people and having it as part of your routine

RareCheese · 31/08/2024 22:16

What’s the appeal?

Truetoself · 31/08/2024 22:15

Do most SAHM start out with the intetnion they will take care of home and family and their DH facilities this thinking they have handed over all mundane life tasks and admin ...... when the reality is the SAHM's usually expect to not work but expect DH to do their fair share? Yes lokking after little kids full time is hard but it doesn't sound like what OP is planning on doing ....

Inkyblue123 · 31/08/2024 22:12

what happens if your marriage fails or your husband can’t work? I’d love to give up work but the thought of total financial dependence on someone else fills me with dread. If you can put some sort of safety net in go for it.

Mainoo72 · 31/08/2024 22:09

You need your own pension & be careful resentment doesn’t set in from your DH.

Also I wouldn’t spend money on a timeshare. They can be a nightmare with increasing costs involved.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:08

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 21:59

Does your DH’s income comfortably cover the bills? Your phrasing makes it sound like it’s just about, even though you have no mortgage.

Stay at home parent set ups work for many families, however if I was your DH I would probably feel slightly miffed that it’s his money from his parents passing that’s being used to fund you having 2 full free days to yourself in the week while he continues to work FT.

It would.l comfortably cover bills, and provide us with some spending money and a small amount of savings each month. It would just mean that for things like Christmas or birthday parties, we'd have to save up a bit more carefully rather than just being able to pay without any worry like we do at the moment.

DH would rather use the money to benefit our family than keep it in a savings pot or splurge on something silly. He'd rather have his parents really, so at least (his words) this way his parents deaths have helped our family. He would also have two days a week entirely to himself as he only works 3 days a week (full time) so he could do whatever he likes on those days and we'd have two days together as a family. Also, they might be 'free days' but I'd also be doing everything for our family on those two days, not just sitting at home drinking martinis.

OP posts:
Marine30 · 31/08/2024 22:07

I was a SAHM as DH’s business took off and he had to work longs hours/go away. Although I don’t regret it for a second it could get lonely.
Others have commented (wisely) on the financial aspects of you working part time/keeping your hand in. I would also advise it from a social point. Just enough so that you could up your hours if you wanted to. The financial aspect of working is huge but people forget the social side/having a purpose/something to talk about/focus on that is separate from your family.
Sounds like you are considering your options so am sure you will find a good path that works.

Bobbie12345 · 31/08/2024 22:05

My questions would be…

  1. Does your husband have decent insurance? You might end up in a real mess otherwise if he had a health issue that reduced his ability to earn.
  2. How confident are you that you will never want to return to more qualified work? You will become less desirable the longer you are off. Is there any danger that in a few years the kids don’t need you as much and you get bored at home/ want your kids to see you as ‘more’.
  3. Have you really done the calculations on what retirement looks like if you don’t work vs if you do even part time? Six figures in savings is great, and also not great when you think of the length of time you will need it for. To get the money from your house you have to sell it ( or take on a mortgage) which you might not want to do for decades yet.
  4. Plan for the worst. If you split up… what then?
Elizo · 31/08/2024 22:05

Go for it! You can always go back if you need to

JLou08 · 31/08/2024 22:03

Do it. You get one life, one chance to raise your children and you could die before you get to retirement age. If you're unhappy as a SAHM you can easily get back into work but if there's a chance you and your family could be happier with you not working why not give it a go.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:02

GOODCAT · 31/08/2024 21:54

What does your husband think? Can you both go part time or both retire early? That doesn't sound like enough to provide you with a private pension and makes it generally tight later on.

I ask because if I were in your husband's position, I wouldn't be on board with this. That is because it seems unfair that he has to work for another 30 years whereas once your kids are both at school, you will have far more free time.

DH is on board, we both have demanding jobs and it's been hard managing home/work/kids so he is happy that this would even it out so that when he has days off we'd be able to do fun things either as a couple or as a family rather than rushing about trying to get on top of the house.

I would have more free time, yes, but I would be entirely in charge of everything that wasn't his work, so not just idly hanging about! Also, when then were older, I'd increase the casual work so it was more frequent.

OP posts:
Barbarararara · 31/08/2024 22:01

Go for it! Being a sahm is a lovely choice

Flibflobflibflob · 31/08/2024 22:00

I would drop to part time instead, gives you a little bit more income but really slows down the pace of your life. If you can work contracts I know someone who used to work for 6 months of the year.