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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quit work and be a SAHM?

188 replies

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 21:31

MIL and FIL sadly died young (both in their 60s) and have left DH and I in a position where we will have no mortgage, and a sizable (for us) amount of savings. We have two DC (3 and under 1).

We should have enough inheritance to really set ourselves up (holiday home time share, solar panels, sell our home and completely redecorate MIL'S larger home to move in to, electric car, savings for both DC). Combining the electric car with the savings from solar panels and the fact that we'd have no mortgage, we should just be able to live on DH's wage, however we would have to pay for nursery for youngest DC out of savings until she was 3 as we'd lose the free hours entitlement as I wouldn't be working.

I was thinking of quitting work next year when eldest DC starts school, and potentially never working in a particularly career minded way again. I could work casually in my current field, picking up occasional work once or twice a month with no difficulty and it would keep me up to date with current practices and training should I change my mind.

It would be a tight squeeze (we would still be able to save each month but less than currently), and if we had another CoL crisis or similar I'd have to return to work, but there would no immediate hurry because of the savings we'd have. DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension. I would be a few years shy of a full state pension but I'm only mid-thirties so would have time to pay in once DC are bigger.

AIBU to think this could work?

OP posts:
Jl2014 · 31/08/2024 23:47

Being a SAHM with the kids in nursery! Sounds amazing!

sterli2323 · 31/08/2024 23:46

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:38

Yep!

I have a masters, I'm an advanced practitioner in my field of work and I will happily choose to give that up because I want to spend my time looking after my family. And that's my choice (well our family not just me) to make.

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Are you a social worker? Plenty of freelance work that would give freedom, choices on your time and pays reasonably well.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:45

CableCar · 31/08/2024 23:39

Yep!

I said it above and I'll say it again - no one ever gets to the end of their life and wishes they spent less time with their children 💕 ❤️

Good luck OP 👏

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This is my thinking.

Yes, little one would go to nursery for two days so I'm not looking after my child full time whilst youngest is teeny, but when they're little and at school, I could go to every sports day, nativity, class day out, if they're sick I can always be there, they don't need to go to breakfast or after school clubs, the house will always be clean and tidy (it's not going to be is it, I'm dreaming, but I can dream...), we can have proper food every day, the weekends can be wholly about the kiddos and what they want to do as Hubby and I would have at least one day off a week together without them so we can also have couple time... The list goes on. I just don't see how this is construed as a bad thing (if we can afford it and it works out in our favour).

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2024 23:43

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:38

Yep!

I have a masters, I'm an advanced practitioner in my field of work and I will happily choose to give that up because I want to spend my time looking after my family. And that's my choice (well our family not just me) to make.

Show quote history

I'm not sure why you posted on AIBU really since it seems like you've already decided.

At least you have your own independent savings which isn't the case for many SAHM's.

CableCar · 31/08/2024 23:41

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:38

Yep!

I have a masters, I'm an advanced practitioner in my field of work and I will happily choose to give that up because I want to spend my time looking after my family. And that's my choice (well our family not just me) to make.

Show quote history

I'm so excited for you 😄
Opportunity will come your way in the future if needed. Being a sahm isn't writing yourself off to never work again. You'll love it 👏 👏 👏

Edit: and if you never do work again that's also fine!! Homemaking is a wonderful role 💜

CableCar · 31/08/2024 23:39

Lelophants · 31/08/2024 22:25

Nice to read a positive sahm thread for a change.

Life is short. Do it!

Yep!

I said it above and I'll say it again - no one ever gets to the end of their life and wishes they spent less time with their children 💕 ❤️

Good luck OP 👏

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:38

Ethylred · 31/08/2024 23:28

Am I really reading this.
Ffs it's 2024 not 1954.

Yep!

I have a masters, I'm an advanced practitioner in my field of work and I will happily choose to give that up because I want to spend my time looking after my family. And that's my choice (well our family not just me) to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:36

planAplanB · 31/08/2024 23:10

Paying for childcare which you don't need is a luxury. If you're going to be a SAHM then child should be with you.

And youngest will be 5 days a week. She'll be going in for 2 days to keep her place for when she turns 3 and would go to preschool, for socialising, building friendships, developing language etc. that I'm sure will be much better than just being with me, and it also gives me a breather from having a child attached to me 24 hours a day and I can do other things without interference. Like shower! And eat! 😂

OP posts:
Lelophants · 31/08/2024 23:36

Ethylred · 31/08/2024 23:28

Am I really reading this.
Ffs it's 2024 not 1954.

Omg do you seriously think there is nothing more to life than work? Seriously?

CableCar · 31/08/2024 23:35

YANBU. You actually sound very flush financially. When I first became a sahm our mortgage was £150k and we had about £4k savings and that was it!! I didn't have any pension and relied on dh for everything. We were/are a team. You make it work and there is always a sacrifice whatever you choose.
My friend who was also a sahm said to me - which has always stuck with me - "no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they spent less time with their children".

Barbarararara · 31/08/2024 23:31

Ethylred · 31/08/2024 23:28

Am I really reading this.
Ffs it's 2024 not 1954.

Exactly, OP should be able to choose to be a sahm and housewife if that's what she wants

Ethylred · 31/08/2024 23:28

Am I really reading this.
Ffs it's 2024 not 1954.

planAplanB · 31/08/2024 23:18

facetofaceonyou · 31/08/2024 22:57

I've been a sahm for 6 years and I absolutely love it so I would say go for it! I have such a close bond with my dcs after being with them 24/7 for the first couple of years. I haven't felt lonely at all tbh but I'm very comfortable in my own company. I've picked up my own hobbies as dcs have got older and both in school/nursery.

Financially I'm comfortable as I invested a lump sum and I'm financially independent as a result. I would look into seeing how your savings can work for you over the long term, otherwise it will get eroded by inflation.

With pensions I pay in £2880 a year into a SIPP which is topped up to £3600. Then I put in £4k a year into a LISA which gets topped up by £1k so it's as good as a pension, although withdrawal conditions are different. Then I put in £16k a year into S&S ISA which isn't topped up but it will be tax-free on withdrawal and can be withdrawn at any age. So that's a decent amount into long term savings compared to typical pension contributions even for a ft worker.

Where do you get all this money from for these savings...?!?

Redlettuce · 31/08/2024 23:18

I was a sahm and went back to work once the kids were older. I loved it and it was the right decision for us.

If I was in your shoes, I'd try to spend the minimum on new car/decorating etc so I could invest for the future.

It's a one off opportunity to build wealth for yourself and your kids.

LoggedOutAgain · 31/08/2024 23:17

In this day and age, I would be worried about making any decision that led to things being a ‘tight squeeze’.

I think having only one person work and another person do absolutely everything at home leads to a very unbalanced dynamic.

I would never want to depend on a man for my income, but I know that is personal to me.

But anyway, it sounds like you have made up your mind, so enjoy the stay at home years!

planAplanB · 31/08/2024 23:14

DH will start to resent you not working or contributing money to the pot.
You will resent him as he'll expect you to do EVERYTHING around the house, like a maid, even at weekends...!!!

WulyJmpr · 31/08/2024 23:11

Cleaners and gardeners are way more efficient than us mere mortals. I found I was taking a day's holiday to clean our house. 2 cleaners got the same done in 1 hour!

Definitely worth paying them in my book.

However I think if you want to be a sahm then just do it. No need for it to necessarily make financial sense when you are (what sounds like could be) a trained professional.

planAplanB · 31/08/2024 23:10

Paying for childcare which you don't need is a luxury. If you're going to be a SAHM then child should be with you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2024 23:10

I wouldn't anyway but definitely not if it would be a 'tight squeeze'.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:04

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 23:00

You’re planning on using savings to put your child in nursery so you can clean, but your thought process is “why pay a cleaner?”
It just seems pointless to me.
No doubt in a few years time you’ll be moaning about doing everything but that’s the scenario you engineered.

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Not sure I will, as, if we can make it work, I'm very happy with the decision and fully accept that I will be "doing everything" (that's kind of the point).

We would only be paying for nursery for 18m, you're suggesting a cleaner essentially for years and years. Not sure ones any better than the other. Also, it's not just a cleaner we'd need, and I just don't see the point in paying someone to do all of these things when I can do it?

OP posts:
Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 23:00

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:57

I don't know how else to say it, but we're struggling to keep on top of things now, so when I'm back at work it won't be any easier.

Why pay a cleaner and a gardener when we could potentially afford for me to do it and I could be there for my children, manage our household, and we'd all be a little bit less stressed?

Show quote history

You’re planning on using savings to put your child in nursery so you can clean, but your thought process is “why pay a cleaner?”
It just seems pointless to me.
No doubt in a few years time you’ll be moaning about doing everything but that’s the scenario you engineered.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:57

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 22:52

I still don’t get it, when you finish maternity leave you will both only be working 3 days a week anyway? And 4 days a week with you both off won’t be enough to keep on top of every day life and chores??

Why not just pay for a cleaner and a gardener to take some of the load of? You would be staying at home to have your youngest in nursery 2 days anyway and effectively be an unpaid cleaner during that time.

Edited

I don't know how else to say it, but we're struggling to keep on top of things now, so when I'm back at work it won't be any easier.

Why pay a cleaner and a gardener when we could potentially afford for me to do it and I could be there for my children, manage our household, and we'd all be a little bit less stressed?

OP posts:
facetofaceonyou · 31/08/2024 22:57

I've been a sahm for 6 years and I absolutely love it so I would say go for it! I have such a close bond with my dcs after being with them 24/7 for the first couple of years. I haven't felt lonely at all tbh but I'm very comfortable in my own company. I've picked up my own hobbies as dcs have got older and both in school/nursery.

Financially I'm comfortable as I invested a lump sum and I'm financially independent as a result. I would look into seeing how your savings can work for you over the long term, otherwise it will get eroded by inflation.

With pensions I pay in £2880 a year into a SIPP which is topped up to £3600. Then I put in £4k a year into a LISA which gets topped up by £1k so it's as good as a pension, although withdrawal conditions are different. Then I put in £16k a year into S&S ISA which isn't topped up but it will be tax-free on withdrawal and can be withdrawn at any age. So that's a decent amount into long term savings compared to typical pension contributions even for a ft worker.

Izzymoon · 31/08/2024 22:56

Barbarararara · 31/08/2024 22:53

It's ok if op wants to be a stay at home mum regardless of previous working hours or when dh works.

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Sure but I’m pretty certain she posted on her asking for opinions and commentary.

If her reason was just “I want to and so does my DH” then fair enough, but staying it’s because it’s too hard to keep on top of Josh work with 2 adults working 3 days out of 7 just sounds ridiculous when she’s then going to keep her child in nursery just to clean. So really it seems like she’s quitting to be a cleaner not a sahm.

Original poster
Eviolle · 31/08/2024 22:54

theduchessofspork · 31/08/2024 22:29

I think it would be better for you to both reduce your hours. Unless he loves his job he’s going to end up resenting you, you will be careerless if you ever split up, and it doesn’t sound to me like you have enough to comfortably do nothing - university is expensive etc.

I asked whether he wanted to reduce his hours, he said no. I wouldn't be careerless, I would still be able to work (casually) in the same field, throughout any time I had off as a SAHM so I could just increase those hours/go back into a career type role. In terms of University, you're right, but we have enough to put aside a fund for both girls now that we could continue to pay into, so they'd have enough for University and a house deposit each (unless something drastic happens to University costs!).

OP posts: