Page 5 | To quit work and be a SAHM?

Sadmamatoday · 01/09/2024 03:31

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:45

This is my thinking.

Yes, little one would go to nursery for two days so I'm not looking after my child full time whilst youngest is teeny, but when they're little and at school, I could go to every sports day, nativity, class day out, if they're sick I can always be there, they don't need to go to breakfast or after school clubs, the house will always be clean and tidy (it's not going to be is it, I'm dreaming, but I can dream...), we can have proper food every day, the weekends can be wholly about the kiddos and what they want to do as Hubby and I would have at least one day off a week together without them so we can also have couple time... The list goes on. I just don't see how this is construed as a bad thing (if we can afford it and it works out in our favour).

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I think it sounds amazing, I hope you do set aside a decent chunk for uoir daughters futures as well

Sadmamatoday · 01/09/2024 03:30

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 01/09/2024 00:35

2 healthy adults working 3 days a week between them as they can live off an inheritance.

Money should go down the generations.

Can you say, hand on heart, you will be able to send your girls out into the world, debt free from Education, and help them with a deposit before you die?

If you do in all honesty believe you will be in a position to do that for your children, then it’s your choice. Not one many would understand. If you do not believe you can forecast that kind of a sound financial starting point for your children, off a base of 3 days of work a week for two healthy adults, then you are squandering his parents’ savings so you can play house, in my opinion.

She's not "playing house" she's going to be able to spend time with her children and they'll all have more family time which seems wonderful. She also has set aside money for her children as I understand. You just sound jealous

Sadmamatoday · 01/09/2024 03:20

LondonGrimmer · 01/09/2024 01:47

Only on Mumsnet would you get people saying £220,000/£250,000 is not a big amount of money 🙄

It isn't though to live off and retire on, OP is still young and has young children

Galadriell · 01/09/2024 02:25

GOODCAT · 31/08/2024 21:54

What does your husband think? Can you both go part time or both retire early? That doesn't sound like enough to provide you with a private pension and makes it generally tight later on.

I ask because if I were in your husband's position, I wouldn't be on board with this. That is because it seems unfair that he has to work for another 30 years whereas once your kids are both at school, you will have far more free time.

I'd probs feel this way too.

LondonGrimmer · 01/09/2024 01:47

Only on Mumsnet would you get people saying £220,000/£250,000 is not a big amount of money 🙄

Appleblum · 01/09/2024 01:43

I would do it but as a sahm myself I think there are some elements you should try to put in place, mainly

very good insurance in place for both DH and yourself
continued payments into a private pension for yourself
factor in how you're going to keep up with your outgoings as children will cost more as they get older

In all honesty 250k savings is insufficient for you to retire on and if you're going to keep dipping into it then it's not going to last very long. Your profession sounds like one that you could return to anytime though so that's in your favour.

blueshoes · 01/09/2024 01:32

What @BaselineDrop said.

No one regrets spending less time with kids but people can regret not making more of their lives. Sure if you are burnt out at work, cooking, cleaning and chillin' whilst the children are young can sound like a dream. Other than childcare, money is not a big deal then, so you can live off your inheritance. It seems a waste to me to stay at home to do housework at leisure when the opportunity cost of current and future earnings is so great. But that is OP's choice.

It is when the children are teenagers that the tables are flipped. That is when mothers like me who kept their hand in and have got promotions over the years feel so very glad we did not take our foot off the career gas now that the children are leaving for university. Money at this stage buys dcs so many financial and career options, including for me to step down if I need to, if they need me badly because teenage/young adult problems are much more difficult and expensive to fix than scuffed knees. Often only parents can do help with these issues. There is also a yawning gulf between parents who can fund university and provide their dcs with substantial deposits for their first homes and parents who can't or don't.

Personally 220K is not a big amount. I would not retire on 220K much less if it was going to fund me to SAHM for more than a decade.

Parenting is a long game. It is not just when dcs are young. I would set my sights on the longer horizon than the immediate foreground. Personally OP you are young and have gas in your tank. Don't bail so soon. You would still be looking after your dcs if you worked.

cherish123 · 01/09/2024 01:00

If you are not working, you won't need to pay childcare for 1 year old and 3year old would only be in nursery for a few hours per day (for which you presumably would get government funding).

LondonGrimmer · 01/09/2024 00:56

P.s keep your youngest in nursery if you want to, for all the reasons you've stated.

I was a SAHM for six years. My only regret is spending too much time justifying our decision to people...

Justalurker1 · 01/09/2024 00:56

So the husband only works 3 days as it is, you don’t work full time anyway, the kids are in childcare… god help you both if you had to deal with what actual full time workers deal with!

Also if kids are in childcare/school you’re not a “stay at home mum” you’re just a “stay at home… person” just admit you can’t be bothered or don’t enjoy working and go ahead and quit. You already made your mind up before posting!

LondonGrimmer · 01/09/2024 00:54

Life is short OP - live it how you want it. You can afford to take a few years off and gift your children a more relaxed, more present mum...do it. You won't regret it, I promise.

Original poster

Eviolle · 01/09/2024 00:53

Growlybear83 · 01/09/2024 00:26

I would jump at the chance to enjoy the precious early years with your children. If money is going to be a little tight, why bother to send your youngest child to nursery if you will be at home?

Mainly socialising, development, and less disruption as she'd have to go when I go back to work, then we'd take her out after 6 months and then 18 months later she'd go to preschool, and it gives me time to do things and not have a child with me permanently. It is something we may reconsider though, it's a fair point. 🙂

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Original poster

Eviolle · 01/09/2024 00:49

BaselineDrop · 01/09/2024 00:11

The only thing I would say is it can all become drudge very very quickly. And then you can become a drudge. Make sure you keep busy and active and interested in the world rather than just your two children and the cleaning.

I toyed with the idea (becoming a SAHM) for ages - DH was about to step up his career and might have needed to travel and lean on a bit more and I was sick of nights and weekends and chasing our tails - but then Covid hit and working as a nurse suddenly came with loads of perks like my kids being able to go to school….. by the time we were out the other side I had reduced my hours down to 2 days and set days, and the kids were a bit older and less intense, we got a cleaner and I’m so so glad I didn’t do it. DHs career took off anyway, I earn pennies compared to him but because I work I feel equal, I have something to say, an area of expertise and am professionally respected.

I don’t think it always does someone any good to have someone at home that justifies their existence by cleaning and doing school runs - they can start to feel you’re a bit like staff and even the loveliest man will have been socialised to see women a bit as service humans anyway and if you then go on to actually behave like his service human then it just a cycle of reinforcement. You’ve already said he’ll get to have two days a week to himself to do what he wants - why will he? Are you going to get that or are you bestowing that upon him to justify not earning money? Also men should have to do some DC care. Not just lovely times at the zoo, but grunt work - drop offs/meals/packing nappy bags/getting them down for naps etc - It keeps them grounded and connected to their family.
My DH is very well respected, very well remunerated professional but when he gets home he mucks in and if a kid is sick on a day we are both working we take it in turns. No one is too busy or important to take their turn with their children.

Just my views from someone who almost did it but didn’t. We pushed through and I think we have a much more equal relationship and I have a much more positive self-view than if I had.

In DH defence, he is a really hands on Dad but it is incredibly difficult for him to leave work once he's started, or take time off at very short notice (like sickness) so it would always be me having to leave work in those instances.

He has two days off during the week so when both girls are at school he'd have time on those days to do what he likes; because I'd be at home I could plan my 'free' time when I wanted it so we'd both have equal alone rest periods if that makes sense.

I do know what you mean about not being a drudge and that's why I'd want to go to work one or two days a month throughout.

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Original poster

Eviolle · 01/09/2024 00:41

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 01/09/2024 00:35

2 healthy adults working 3 days a week between them as they can live off an inheritance.

Money should go down the generations.

Can you say, hand on heart, you will be able to send your girls out into the world, debt free from Education, and help them with a deposit before you die?

If you do in all honesty believe you will be in a position to do that for your children, then it’s your choice. Not one many would understand. If you do not believe you can forecast that kind of a sound financial starting point for your children, off a base of 3 days of work a week for two healthy adults, then you are squandering his parents’ savings so you can play house, in my opinion.

Money should go down the generations, but DH and I shouldn't take advantage of inheritance that has been passed down from a previous generation and instead should ignore ourselves and pass it on again?

Also, three days a week for my husband is full time, he can't work any more days than that without being absolutely exhausted.

But yes, we can, and intend to, put aside a house deposit plus university money for each child before we even think of our own savings and what we do next.

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Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 01/09/2024 00:35

2 healthy adults working 3 days a week between them as they can live off an inheritance.

Money should go down the generations.

Can you say, hand on heart, you will be able to send your girls out into the world, debt free from Education, and help them with a deposit before you die?

If you do in all honesty believe you will be in a position to do that for your children, then it’s your choice. Not one many would understand. If you do not believe you can forecast that kind of a sound financial starting point for your children, off a base of 3 days of work a week for two healthy adults, then you are squandering his parents’ savings so you can play house, in my opinion.

Growlybear83 · 01/09/2024 00:26

I would jump at the chance to enjoy the precious early years with your children. If money is going to be a little tight, why bother to send your youngest child to nursery if you will be at home?

soberholic · 01/09/2024 00:23

Flibflobflibflob · 31/08/2024 22:00

I would drop to part time instead, gives you a little bit more income but really slows down the pace of your life. If you can work contracts I know someone who used to work for 6 months of the year.

I'm a full time SAHM (not by choice - it's where I live) and I think pt is a better route!

Notamum12345577 · 01/09/2024 00:14

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 21:31

MIL and FIL sadly died young (both in their 60s) and have left DH and I in a position where we will have no mortgage, and a sizable (for us) amount of savings. We have two DC (3 and under 1).

We should have enough inheritance to really set ourselves up (holiday home time share, solar panels, sell our home and completely redecorate MIL'S larger home to move in to, electric car, savings for both DC). Combining the electric car with the savings from solar panels and the fact that we'd have no mortgage, we should just be able to live on DH's wage, however we would have to pay for nursery for youngest DC out of savings until she was 3 as we'd lose the free hours entitlement as I wouldn't be working.

I was thinking of quitting work next year when eldest DC starts school, and potentially never working in a particularly career minded way again. I could work casually in my current field, picking up occasional work once or twice a month with no difficulty and it would keep me up to date with current practices and training should I change my mind.

It would be a tight squeeze (we would still be able to save each month but less than currently), and if we had another CoL crisis or similar I'd have to return to work, but there would no immediate hurry because of the savings we'd have. DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension. I would be a few years shy of a full state pension but I'm only mid-thirties so would have time to pay in once DC are bigger.

AIBU to think this could work?

But why would you have to pay for nursery for the youngest of you became a SAHM? Your child wouldn’t need to go to nursery?

HazelBiscuit · 01/09/2024 00:13

I would love to be in the position you’re suggesting OP. The ability to maintain your career gives you lots of flexibility to change tack if required in the future.

BaselineDrop · 01/09/2024 00:11

The only thing I would say is it can all become drudge very very quickly. And then you can become a drudge. Make sure you keep busy and active and interested in the world rather than just your two children and the cleaning.

I toyed with the idea (becoming a SAHM) for ages - DH was about to step up his career and might have needed to travel and lean on a bit more and I was sick of nights and weekends and chasing our tails - but then Covid hit and working as a nurse suddenly came with loads of perks like my kids being able to go to school….. by the time we were out the other side I had reduced my hours down to 2 days and set days, and the kids were a bit older and less intense, we got a cleaner and I’m so so glad I didn’t do it. DHs career took off anyway, I earn pennies compared to him but because I work I feel equal, I have something to say, an area of expertise and am professionally respected.

I don’t think it always does someone any good to have someone at home that justifies their existence by cleaning and doing school runs - they can start to feel you’re a bit like staff and even the loveliest man will have been socialised to see women a bit as service humans anyway and if you then go on to actually behave like his service human then it just a cycle of reinforcement. You’ve already said he’ll get to have two days a week to himself to do what he wants - why will he? Are you going to get that or are you bestowing that upon him to justify not earning money? Also men should have to do some DC care. Not just lovely times at the zoo, but grunt work - drop offs/meals/packing nappy bags/getting them down for naps etc - It keeps them grounded and connected to their family.
My DH is very well respected, very well remunerated professional but when he gets home he mucks in and if a kid is sick on a day we are both working we take it in turns. No one is too busy or important to take their turn with their children.

Just my views from someone who almost did it but didn’t. We pushed through and I think we have a much more equal relationship and I have a much more positive self-view than if I had.

IVFmumoftwo · 01/09/2024 00:10

planAplanB · 31/08/2024 23:10

Paying for childcare which you don't need is a luxury. If you're going to be a SAHM then child should be with you.

Why? Sounds like heaven to me and the child obviously enjoys it. I wish I had the money.

sterli2323 · 01/09/2024 00:00

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:52

I'm a registered nurse, so I can do bank or agency work whenever it suits and can keep my registration by doing 14 shifts per year.

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So nothing stopping you. I always although money was tight the years I was home with kids were the happiest, house was spotless, we ate really well cos I had the time, kids loved having me home and it was stress free. I freelanced prob 4 days a month, I went back part time when youngest was 7 and full time compressed hours when she was 11. They are both around 30 now. I have a decent pension, savings etc. you won’t regret it at all.

Original poster

Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:52

sterli2323 · 31/08/2024 23:46

Are you a social worker? Plenty of freelance work that would give freedom, choices on your time and pays reasonably well.

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I'm a registered nurse, so I can do bank or agency work whenever it suits and can keep my registration by doing 14 shifts per year.

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Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:50

Jl2014 · 31/08/2024 23:47

Being a SAHM with the kids in nursery! Sounds amazing!

Only two days a week 😂😂 I don't get a whole week of just chilling without them 😂

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Eviolle · 31/08/2024 23:48

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2024 23:43

I'm not sure why you posted on AIBU really since it seems like you've already decided.

At least you have your own independent savings which isn't the case for many SAHM's.

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It does really doesn't it... Honestly if someone came up with something I genuinely hadn't thought of, I will absolutely reconsider my feelings but there hasn't been anything that's made me think like that as of yet. Which I suppose just confirms my thoughts.

Money, yes, I know we need to look at it carefully, and we'll continue to do so as we're planning this for this time next year.

Paying a cleaner and gardener, yes, I suppose we could do that, and it did make me think, but I'm not convinced, because I want to be at home if we can manage it, so paying others to do it defeats the point.

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