To quit work and be a SAHM?

Women have diverse life experiences and views, and can disagree with / be unpleasant to each other - especially on issues as absolutely central to their lives as this - for reasons other than jealousy.

I have no doubt some women on this site would look at my decision to work full time with a toddler with contempt, and equally little doubt that those are their sincere beliefs (albeit ones I think are junk) and not just jealousy.

Anyway, I don’t want to derail OP’s thread - I would never personally do this so have nothing insightful to offer on the practicalities, sorry! - but these threads always descend into a chorus of people insisting others are just jealous, and I don’t think it’s useful tbh.

Well at the end of the day if it's what you want and it works for the family then go for it. It's your life, not anyone else's, and everyone will have a different decision-making process.

Just make sure you are accounting for everything and maybe do a proper budget (MSE has a good template). We put a pretty big chunk aside every month for non-monthly things (car maintenance, home maintenance, haircuts, dental stuff). It wouldn't be obvious when looking at a month's bills or direct debits, but the money for it all has to come from somewhere, so just make sure you have an absolutely accurate picture of your monthly money needs (including the stuff that doesn't necessarily have to be paid every month but that has to be paid for at some point).

They're just jealous or projecting. Housework is crap, so personally I would get a cleaner if you can, but obviously nothing can replace being with your children. No child would rather be in nursery than with their parents

Im actually not sure what I would personally do in your situation for lots of reasons but you sound like you've made up your mind and are both happy with your decision, which is absolutely fine.

The thing that massively sways my view for you personally is your nursing background. You obviously know better than I do but from my (admittedly uninformed) position this really is one of the few careers that is the least risky to have a break from. And if you need or want to work once they are at school then there's the opportunity to work full shifts on the days your DH is off.

The main thing for me is keeping lines of communication open. Despite being in a position of privilege I do think there are still areas where resentment could set in, depending on what you both decide to do in the longer term. You both need to be vocal about any little niggles before they become bigger.

Also sorry to be obvious but making sure you've done a proper budget that includes accounting for absolutely everything (Martin Lewis has a tool).

We are about to be in a similar financial position due to inheritance: mortgage paid off and a big chunk of savings. But personally I feel like working part-time is the best solution for us (and me individually).

I still want to earn money, I want to make sure our DC can have uni paid for and a house deposit, that I can pay into a decent pension, and that we can do nice holidays and go places and not have to be as frugal.

My 2yo has two days of nursery a week (5yo is at school) as I work one weekend evening too so don't need childcare there, so that seems like a good balance to me and she enjoys nursery (and I enjoy my work, which is perhaps the difference?).

Money is freedom for sure but freedom for me isn't penny pinching to afford holidays and Christmas. To me it sounds like quality of life would be degraded for not that much benefit if you're both already around a lot anyway. I'd just use the money to afford more life experiences for the kids and get a cleaner etc. I'd rather work than clean my house and do domestic stuff.

I think there's a difference between being a SAHM because it's for the kids and being one because you don't like work. Both are fine choices but the latter one, I think some people then struggle with the intensity of being at home all the time.

I'd do it. There will always be those who are jealous that you can do this and they can't, and others who won't give up their financial independence (can't rely on a man etc), what are you contributing to society, and so on.

I've heard them all over the years. Have always been a SAHM and never regretted it. DH and I are, and always have been, a team and for various reasons it made sense for us to do this. He goes out to work and I do all home stuff. If it's right for you then go for it. Life really is too short.

Cut down to two or three days a week. Or retrain for a different career. Up to you in the end. . I wouldn't want to be an SAHM spending all day doing housework and childcare. Nightmare. I might have considered it if I had a full-time nanny and cleaner.,

As you are a nurse I can see how it is realistic you can do bank, keep you registration and not damage your career and get back into it easy enough.

I also think nursery isn't just childcare for work, it's socialisation and routine. I agree it woukd be confusing to be in nursery, out of nursery and then back in nursery again if it's the same place.

No problem. I just thought, a commute that you do once a fortnight can potentially be longer than one you have to do several times a week.

Fair enough. I'm guessing you've looked at the various options locally, ie next city/town/county over rather than just the one where you are now? If so, and it's definitely not going to be an option, maybe casual is the only way to get what you need. If it's the job I suspect it is, you aren't likely to have problems coming back to an employed role later on if wanted.

I did it for the same reasons as you. Although it was my windfall that facilitated it. My husband became resentful and unkind. I was treated like a home slave. I had no independent life away from him. He became more and more abusive. I finally got out of the marriage and had to claw my way up the career ladder again. Hopefully your dh is nothing like my ex but I would advise keeping some sort of work going even as you say it’s casual to give you a sense of independence and confidence. Good luck

You need to incorporate in your planning:

1. what happens if your DH dies
2. what happens if your DH becomes seriously ill and can no longer work
3. what happens if your DH fucks off
4. what happens if you become unhappy in your relationship, or your DH becomes deeply complacent, and the power balance shifts in a way you don't like (it's been known to happen when a woman SAH).

If you're financially covered in all those scenarios, and have the prospect of being able to support yourself and your kids in the future should the current arrangement end for whatever reason, go for it.

Surprised people are assuming 3 days a week means not FT. I'd have thought it was common knowledge that loads of jobs follow the fewer but longer shifts model.

This we both work three days a week, we aren’t the most organised of people, we have hours upon hours of free time after cleaning, laundry and cooking. If one of us decided to be unemployed and to send the kids elsewhere to be looked after the unemployed person would have essentially nothing to so for hours on end.

YABU to describe being self employed and picking up work twice a month as being a SAHP. It would be a switch to a different mode of work.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to take your foot off the pedal a bit at this stage, especially if it's something you can easily get back into later. My question is, do you have to leave the security of a part time public sector employment contract in order to work as little as you want to? Because if they'd let you do, say, a shift every week or so, I'd go for that in preference to being self-employed.