To quit work and be a SAHM?

You could take advantage of their bequest by dropping work for you to 1 or 2 days a week. That way you keep your skills and pension ticking over, maintain a foot in the world of work and have plenty of time at home, with a smaller reliance on the bequest while your family is so young.

Children only become more expensive and if your children show a talent (or a need) that could be nurtured with hefty financial support, you’ll be better placed to do that if a huge chunk of your in law’s legacy has not been spent on very ordinary houshold expenses when the children were tiny.

Noone is saying ignore the inheritance, but you should use it to enhance your lives, and aim to build it up for your children so they have an easier start to adulthood, not stop working and just live off it.

DH is public sector, very safe job and final salary pension.

Which bit of the PS still has a final salary pension? Aren’t they all career average now?

I became lonely, resentful and depressed as a SAHP. It depends on your personality. I get zero satisfaction from hoovering, bleaching loos or scrubbing food out of carpets. The final straw was trying to get cemented Weetabix off the table and slime off the dog in the same day..I just thought fuck this, and have been a mix of full and part time since.

Some nice times with the kids before school, but the balance wasnt there for me. Even when I met other mums, I felt the conversation was often superficial and valid...I missed working on team projects, interacting with colleagues, thinking on my feet, problem solving etc etc.

Try it and see...life was too short for me to feel so bored, lonely and sad.

Yes you're right, I was thinking more about initial 'running away' money if you ever needed it.

I used days as in normal working days. If they are 12 hour shifts then less.

I think I'd be tempted to try the very part time options first if it can be arranged.

Don't underestimate having no money of your own even if your husband is as kind and generous as they come. At some point you want to buy him a birthday present, arrange a treat, buy yourself something frivolous.

There's also a huge social element to work and an imbalance in the need to be in or out of the house (i.e weekend comes your husband wants to relax in his home and you are sick of the sight of it and want out).

Plus you never know what will happen in the future and it keeps your options open.

I would do no more than two days a week and plan on this for the long term rather than just the pre school years.

You appreciate the time at home more with some time away.

I'd at least try this before giving it up. Financially it sounds like you'd be okay but it is a decision about more than finances. Maternity is a bubble because you know you are time limited and still have 'work you '. Don't expect full time SAHM to feel the same.

My ex - a very high earner - used to encourage me to change job from my well paid job to something I'd prefer to do but which would pay peanuts. I thought about it as we were very happy together (I thought) and could afford it together, but I'm glad I didn't because then she had an affair and left me, and screwed me to the floor for every penny she could get in the divorce (despite earning 4x what I do).

Even if you have money in your "own" name, it's all in the pot for division on divorce.

I think this really depends on what you enjoy more - work or housework

For me, it would be a no brainer to work and have a cleaner but it sounds like maybe you prefer housework to nursing?

Because you mentioned nursing I am assuming NHS - if you drop your hours (I know you said they weren't keen on employing you on a one shift a fortnight contract) - could you drop to one a week and then use the annual leave which you accrued in maternity leave to only work once a fortnight to avoid paying the mat leave back - then switch to bank (or may find one shift a week works for you)

Also any jobs in other areas where they would accept the lesser hours (as you don't have to go back to the same job to avoid paying back the mat leave - it may not even be the same trust) - I know of someone who has an annualised contract - I want to say it's 200hours a year or something like that (it's about 1 a month) - but she will often do more than that

We have two cleaners who come every Monday for an hour. They're amazing and between visits we do the bare minimum. It's £36 a week which seems quite reasonable given the amount they get through. It would take me hours to do it to their standards!

That makes no sense. Split household chores and childcare equally outside of work hours. Quitting your job because your partner won’t do this is deeply illogical. It’s not that difficult.

This is a good point. OP, might be worth starting a thread to ask whether other nurses have found a day a fortnight to be sufficient to keep their hand in?

In your position I would do this on a heartbeat. It seems like you’ve covered all possible scenarios.

And for people banging on about “well what if he leaves you” and “what if he dies” - all of the current assets are marital and you would be entitled to half the savings, half the house. If, god forbid, he was to die, you’d get everything.

The only thing I would suggest, if you haven’t considered it, is could you keep your hand in the work field to make sure your daughter qualifies for the free hours and then implement your plan? I don’t know if that works for you.

But otherwise like you said - life is short and taking care of the home is not something to be looked down upon. It is an important role.

Also, when you get both of your girls into infant school - the amount of events is relentless 😂 meetings, workshops, plays, performances, activities, dress up days, sports day, fundraisers it never ends. Honestly reading all the emails the school sends should be classed as a part time job. They also pick up a new plague every single week, slapped cheek, tonsillitis, stomach bug. I can’t tell you how many days I had to take off or how many favours I had to beg from my mum and MIL to help out.

Even worse, I often had to just send my children into school when they were honestly too unwell to be there because it meant I’d be on performance management for my child related sick leave 🫠 They should have been at home in pjs, not have calpol shoved down them and sent in praying the phone call doesn’t come 😢

I would stay at home with them in a heartbeat if it had been an option.

Like others have said though, try to make sure you have some time for you. Something to say to your husband other than “I got 4 loads of washing dried and put away today” because it does get dull when you haven’t done anything and you have nothing to say. Even volunteering a day a week etc.

Any and all savings would be split upon divorce though, should that happen. So it's no guarantee of financial independence. You raise an interesting point though. Op, what will you do if, after a few years of not working, you end up separating? Nobody likes to think that way, and of course everyone wants to believe they'll be together forever. But it happens, and it happens often. Financial independence is so, so important for women.

As my dear friend is currently grappling with a similar decision but without that level comfortable savings, I'd say absolutely go for it. There is so much hostility on MN for anyone choosing to be a sahm, it's such a shame. Your set up sounds ideal and above all else you'll be home with dcs and able to have a better family life together, what is there not to like about that? As long as you and dh are both agreed on what your new normal will look like and clear about expectations up front I don't see any downside. Enjoy it, op!

Thank you. I am surprised the number of people belittling what SAHP do/ suggesting to 'just get a cleaner' implying that's all I'd be doing/ I'm not contributing to society

You’re completely misquoting me. You said you want to be a sahp to be with your children, but you’re withdrawing from savings to have your child in nursery 2 days for you to clean - your words and it’s from savings because you can’t afford it on your DH’s salary. I simply pointed out a cleaner is cheaper than having your child in nursery for 2 days while you are at home and actually would enable you to spend more quality time with them if that’s the point.
If your DH is already at home 4 days then having the youngest in nursery for 2 means you only have 1 day more with them vs when you are working. Not much time together.

I think you'd need more than 2 or 3 days a month. With only doing the occasional day like that you'd lose your confidence pretty quickly.

A day a week can work very well.

I appreciate you both work long days but why not continue, get a cleaner and use the extra money to have a fabulous life. My dc do not really remember the days we spent together when they were preschoolers and I was pt. And we did loads of the making memories wholesome activity stuff. Cleaning your house is massively overrated as a pastime 😁 And I know he earns more (and the dh in the shall I be a sahm saga always earns more) but your dh isn’t looking to completely change his life to spend more time cleaning and take on all the household management is he?

or you dont go back to work and just pay your maternity leave back?

Totally agree it’s a them-problem, I just think the underlying causes of why people do this are a lot more complex than jealousy! I think for a decent chunk, it’s not enough for their choices to be right (in their own view), others must know their own different choices are wrong.

I have been a SAHM, worked full and part time and DH has done all 3 too over the years as we have responded to our needs as a family. When the children were little I worked 2 shifts a week in a health type role and I found that having this regular routine, consistent amount of money, social interaction etc was really beneficial. I would consider some kind of regular work even if it's only a few hours a week.
I also think it's good for the children to know you work too.

Agree with you completely when people are offering constructive advice, but when people are just out to ridicule your choices then it's likely it's a them problem. For complete transparency I wanted to be a SAHM but couldn't cope with it as I found it really difficult, so I really admire people who do this and it really annoys me when people underestimate how difficult it is

@WednesburyUnreasonable Yes, I agree. Some people might be jealous but certainly among my friend group, there are several of us who could afford to be SAHMs if we wanted to but aren't, and I imagine we all have our own reasons that are all equally valid. And that's how it should be.

Women against women is such a depressing thing or this belief that everyone would choose to be a SAHM if they could, as that's not true. For those who can't afford it, then it's not a choice they can make and I can understand why that would be upsetting. But not everyone who can afford it wants to or should feel obligated to as well.

I think the 'just get a cleaner' was well meant. You were saying that you were going to pay for child care to give time to clean the house. Whilst, being a sahm includes looking after the children and keeping the house, a lot of people hate cleaning and would rather have a cleaner and take the kids to the park, or do their day job and have a cleaner.

But actually childcare is normally cheaper than a cleaner per hour, and sahm neeas a break from being with their children and children benefit from aspects of nursery and running a house isn't just cleaning.