Weirdest/funniest moments about having a baby that no one warns you about?

Muslins

You need muslins

Aka a cloth

Not sure what that was all about really

The distance that can be achieved by projectile poo 😂

And you just reminded me of a nightmare morning years ago with 11 month old DS who had been walking since 7 months and was already a strong & determined escape artist.

We were in the kitchen. DS was playing on the floor with some bricks. I was making a birthday cake. I must have taken my eye off him for 20 seconds when outraged screaming. He had obviously tried to follow the cat out of the cat flap, had got his head and one shoulder through and had got firmly jammed.

Trying to dismantle a cat flap while holding a furious and wriggling, kicking toddler is not easy. Not helped by the fact the health visitor was due. It took both of us in the end, to get him free. I nearly rang the fire brigade at one point.

Ds puked all over exh one day, he silently handed him to me & went for a shower & to get changed, 2 minutes later ds did the same to me, covered my pjs from the shoulder down, I still can't imagine where it all came from.

Oh yes, I remember this. Also when I was overdue, people kept asking me if I'd had the baby yet. Tbh it made me think I was still going to look 9 months pregnant after I'd had him. On the plus side I thought I looked really thin after giving birth, despite looking about 6 months pregnant.

Mine was like being in labour too, I hadn't been since my EMCS 5 days before, my mum sat & held my hand & rubbed my back as I gave birth to a bowling ball sized poo, I was mooing & puffing & panting.

Nobody told me that catching baby poo with a baby wipe would become a sport that should be in the Olympics, the number I caught to save wasting a clean nappy while changing ds.

When you refer to yourself in the 3rd person beginning a sentence, Mummy says... to someone other than your dc 🤦‍♀️

You will catch your child's vomit in your hands. You might even walk around all day with baby sick on your clothes.

You will probably have to pick up your child's poo fro the floor or the bath at some point. Those baby snot suckers.....no one tells you about those.

When your older baby is bf and decided to take a good look around the room whilst still clenching on to your nipple which is stretching like chewing gum.

DD wanted to be fed every 2 house 24 hours a day and she'd never want a full feed, also she would only poo during a wet nappy change

They do say 'you'll never go to the bathroom alone again' but they don't say...
'you'll find yourself inviting your poo-phobic potty training toddler to the bathroom with you, counting excitedly as you listen for the plops together and inviting her to take a look before you flush'

There really is no dignity!

I was not expecting my tits to become separate objects from my body. Completely changing shape and COLOUR.
Like, just watching them bob back and forth like moor hens while being pumped, or when the midwife ‘squeezed them into a burger shape to help latching’ or the lactation consultant handle them like a water balloon they were smashing into my baby’s face 😂.

Glad to have them bk.

Yes. It's so mind-boggling.

DH was left alone with DD for the first time- she was about 6weeks old. He rang to say there had been a poonami and it was everywhere- down her legs, between her toes, up her back, on her neck, in her hair, in her ears, the side of her face, down her arms in her hands, on her tummy and chest, her baby gro was covered, the changing mat was covered, the wall next to the changing mat. She had done it twice, once as he was changing her. He sounded panicky and said 'I can't believe something so small has produced so much disgusting shit. I don't know where she was storing it all. It just keeps spreading.'
He bathed her and changed her but we found bits of poo for about 3 days afterwards all over.

I have the bubble farts and haven’t had a child. I’ve always had them. Wait till you get one in your period and it smells of period blood…

Oh yes! I'd forgotten all about this until I read your comment. My dh nearly called an ambulance, because I was screaming in pain on the loo. When I eventually emerged from the bathroom (after an hour and looking very much worse for wear), he was sat on the landing wearing latex gloves! Apparently it was just in case I "needed assistance". 🤣

Poo missiles are regularly thrown in my house now 🤢 at 5 days old my oldest projectile pooed on my face at 4am.

Babies can burp really loud and toddlers happily announce that mummy’s bums bleeding on that time of the month! Or open the cubicle to wave to people ☠️

When after two hours of desperately trying to get your toddler to sleep in a hotel bedroom (only the toddler thinks it's party time), you move the travel cot into the bathroom. Only then of course someone needs the loo so you move it into the walk-in shower, have an argument over whether or not this is safe and end up wrapping a raincoat around the shower head just in case it leaks during the night.

The next morning, one adult and the toddler are asleep in the king-size bed (toddler bang in the middle, adult precariously clinging to the side of the bed like they're on the summit of Mont Blanc) and the other adult is sleeping on a spare duvet on the floor in the (thankfully large) closet.

I once grabbed my boss's arm and said "Mind the cars" after we left a business meeting. Mortifying!

My son farted during a nappy change and a bit of poo shot across the room 🤣🤣 also the poo nami.....dear god it was up to his shoulders 🤢🤢🤣

I was lying down bouncing DS over me when he was sick into my open mouth.

No one warned me that the first poo after birth would feel like the most dangerous shit of my life. Honestly thought my insides were going to come out too.

Oh yes my DD did this. Diarrhoea… up the wall.

Puréed spinach. I was the au pair and her mother had given her a jar of it. Truly Spectacular.

Twins and I remember them rocking away in their moses baskets doing the loudest adult sounding farts, coming from these tiny newborn babies!

I still do that with Eddie Stobbart wagons usually when i'm alone. Son is now 32.

Although to be fair, DD(17) still likes to have trains, cranes, planes etc. pointed out and always gives her best Mr Bull "we're digging up the road!!!" impression for dumper trucks and diggers...