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Original poster

Weirdest/funniest moments about having a baby that no one warns you about?

145 replies

ElizaGolightly · 31/08/2024 20:47

AIBU that no one warns you about completely surreal moments having a baby/child?

For example, I've been promised that nipple shields will save my life when breastfeeding my 2nd. I put them on - I now have plastic cones on my boobs that give Madonna a run for her money. So glam! Also who has the longest nipples in the world enough for these things!

DC2 sleeps very loudly. DH and I decide to DTD and he starts grunting (DC2 not DH). I realise shushing him works slightly so all the way through we alternate shushing the baby while trying to still concentrate.

Is it me that parenting is completely surreal sometimes and no one warns you that you will say and do things that are completely mad? Please tell me we aren't the only ones who have lost our minds and any dignity we once had?

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Riverswims · 08/03/2025 07:58

CaveMum · 01/09/2024 08:59

You pass the placenta straight after birth but you keep bleeding for several weeks afterwards - there’s effectively a huge wound across the entire inside of your womb where the placenta has pealed away that needs to heal. So as well as being sore and knackered from giving birth, you’ve got to deal with a “period from hell” type situation. For me the worst of the bleeding stopped after about 5 or 6 days but I still had to wear big thick pads for a few weeks.

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but the blood can become big clots that you can feel passing so that’s the solid bits I think she’s talking about

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/03/2025 17:11

I still rock shopping trolleys or anything else on wheels that I am pushing. My youngest is 28. I have a feeling I will be rocking my walker in a few years...

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 07/03/2025 17:07

JudgeJ · 27/02/2025 21:43

The first word we heard our second read was 'goolies', driving on the M62 past the signs for Goole, of course because we laughed she delighted in saying it, all across the North Sea to Rotterdam!

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Had this recently, completely forgot that DS could read now. He found an old birthday card that said "another year closer to your balls touching the toilet water". Not only did he read it, he also got it and absolutely killed himself laughing. Cue several weeks of him piping up with this charming line in all manner of shops, libraries and doctors surgeries! Tried not to react but unfortunately I find it quite funny too 😂

Randomusername37258 · 27/02/2025 22:15

I was surprised at the size of the clots after birth and how unbothered the midwives were by them. Wish I'd kept a photo to be honest, they were enormous.

The pointy head my baby came out with was also a shock.

JudgeJ · 27/02/2025 22:05

Emmzo · 02/09/2024 19:47

Reading this thread with a big sense of thank god it wasn’t just us 😂😂

I vividly remember 3 day old DS having a bath, objecting in a way the whole street could hear. I was just wearing a dressing gown and organising his clean suit whilst DP tried to dry him off, but my milk was just in and started squirting uncontrollably in every direction. No one prepared me for this. Just sat there with 2 firehoses gushing thinking wtf have we done 😂😂

Number 1, hours old, I was in a Naval Hospital so our rooms were 'cabins', I was horrified at my huge, solid boobs, quite a surprise, as decided I would stick one in her mouth and see if she liked it. She did, took to it easily, but the other one decided to create the Bellagio fountain display and as the midwife came in she got covered, about 8 feet away.
Months later she decided to poo all up her Daddy's arm, into his beard as well, which took some cleaning.

JudgeJ · 27/02/2025 21:43

Jxtina86 · 31/08/2024 22:58

The swaying - I remember stood in the post office with DD in the sling. DH then took her to wander around whilst I queued up. The lady serving me said 'you know you're still swaying back and forth right?' Nope lol.

I think the more surreal moments kicked in when DD started talking and had some epic mispronunciations. Never in my life did I think I'd be on a packed bus with DD shouting FUCKERS at the top of her voice whilst I frantically tore open a packet of Organix Cheese Crackers going 'CRACKERS darling CRACKERS'

The first word we heard our second read was 'goolies', driving on the M62 past the signs for Goole, of course because we laughed she delighted in saying it, all across the North Sea to Rotterdam!

JudgeJ · 27/02/2025 21:36

Sparklybanana · 31/08/2024 20:59

That you rock shopping trolleys back and forth regardless of if there is a baby present...

We were with the military and there was a one-way circuit in camp to the medical centre and library, I was walking in with a friend and our prams, going to the medical centre, 'Where are you going?' she asked as a turned right through the gates. I was only following the one-way route on foot!

Katemax82 · 27/02/2025 21:28

Doro371 · 31/08/2024 22:08

The random things that make you cry in the haze of the first few days. When I came home from hospital with my 5-day-old DS, I cried and cried because "his family loves him but he does not have any friends at all" 🤪

Awww

vipersnest1 · 27/02/2025 21:07

I've just re-read this thread and it's comedy gold! It's amazing how we just push through and keep going.
My DD1 will have a baby soon and I know she will be telling me about many of these in the months and years to come. (I've told her about several but know she won't believe me until she experiences it for herself! Grin)
I'm putting this thread in for Classics - it really is a reflection of the things that may well happen that no-one seems to tell you about. Smile

MyNameIsBatty · 25/02/2025 23:17

The sheer amount of blood you lose post birth.
The organs/insides moving thing.
That you may have to inject yourself with blood thinners post c-section for 10 days!
That newborns make so many weird noises and irregular breathing is normal and not usually a cause for concern.
The adult farts coming from such a tiny body.
And many more I'm still finding out 7 months in!!

Wacadu · 25/02/2025 23:02

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/08/2024 22:01

Oh and does anyone still rock? 😄 I used slings a lot and whenever I was stood still at a bus stop, train station, in a queue etc I would just sway slightly or rock the pram.
My kids are now 6 and 11 but I still rock the supermarket trolley and if I am stood still in a queue I still sway. I must look crazy 😂

Yes to the swaying and my youngest is 19!

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 25/02/2025 22:58

Strangerthanfictions · 02/09/2024 22:13

Commando crawling out of my 1 year olds room because she was a bit out of sorts and I thought she'd finally fallen asleep, by the time I'd crawled on my elbows along the side cotbed I thought I was home and dry and hung a right to go round the bottom of the bed and out of the door, I glanced up to find her stood up grinning down at me proper here's Johnny in the shining style, just calmly quietly watching me crawl along the floor like a toral idiot. I nearly jumped out of my skin 😂😂

Oh this had me crying with laughter 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

MirandaJH · 16/09/2024 20:37

FanofLeaves · 31/08/2024 21:13

That the bowel movement I endured after my planned c sec was like the natural birth I hadn’t had, and the result nearly as big as my newborn son.

Edited

Haha that happened to me! I thought “oh my gosh do I carry on trying to push or just give up?” Then realised it was just completely stuck mid-escape and I couldn’t give up…the nurse asked me if I’d had any bowel movements the next day and I said “yes, it was more traumatic then the birth” 😂

MirandaJH · 16/09/2024 20:32

The wee shooting in the air every time you change their nappy. I’ve changed so many nappies working in a nursery but never experienced it as I’ve not changed any so young, I actually screamed the first time he did it as I was not expecting it. Now I have a system that involves quick thinking and preparation 😂

Elsewhere123 · 15/09/2024 18:57

I'm 71 and a crying newborn still affects my boobs. Weird

Ocean59 · 15/09/2024 18:27

I visited a friend and her newborn last week and when he cried, I had the strongest 'milk letdown' feeling in my boobs.

Interesting as DD is 26 and I have had a double mastectomy so don't actually have any breasts anymore!

Aria999 · 15/09/2024 18:00

We got given a free banana in the supermarket when DS was probably around 18 months, and he ate it on the walk home in his pushchair.

I had not imagined it was possible for a baby and pushchair to be so thoroughly covered in squished banana. I mean it was only 1 banana but it looked like he had been to a baby food factory and fallen in.

Banana consumption was more closely supervised after that.

Ohmygoodness54 · 15/09/2024 15:43

CaveMum · 31/08/2024 21:39

That for years after your kids are no longer toddlers/pre-schoolers, you will find yourself driving down the road and randomly pointing out tractors/cows/lorries (delete as appropriate) 🤣

Did exactly the same, driving my son, by then in his mid twenties to collect his new car. "Oh look, wilmills" (the family way of saying windmills, since he first tried to say it.) He gave me a look like I was seriously losing the plot, he was probably right 😂

Adge1616 · 15/09/2024 14:17

Echobelly · 31/08/2024 21:29

The odd things you find you find yourself saying to toddlers. I actually once had call to say 'No, don't put the owl in the euphonium', also 'Pants first, dinosaur adventure later'

I once found myself say "Yes, I do think it's important we find all the body parts" 😆 Something I never thought I'd hear myself saying...

Tryonemoretime · 15/09/2024 12:05

A couple of weeks after baby number 3 was born, I was so exhausted that when I was asked if I'd had a boy or a girl, I said "A boy.".I'd had a girl....

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/09/2024 10:32

Repeating the mantra "Wee is sterile and not poison" over and over after the first face full from DS when the urge was to run screaming and heaving into a tub of boiling water.....

PerkySnail · 15/09/2024 09:59

I remember when I was potty training DS2. He was doing really well. I'd keep reminding him if he needed to poo, he'd need to sit on the potty and take off his nappy. Anyway, this one afternoon, I could tell he didn't want to sit on the potty, he was having one of those days and disappeared into the kitchen. Literally a few minutes later, I could smell the most horrendous smell in the living room as DS2 came screaming with poo all over his hand, legs, arms, face and hair (nappy still on). He did a poo in his nappy and decided to check it out with his hand-I guess. The stench must have been shocking so he tried rubbing it off on himself. But there was no going away from that smell!
I carried him, somehow (trying not to get poo on me and stop myself from vomiting), into the bath and gave him a good scrub. I was so pleased with myself, until I came downstairs and went into the kitchen. The smell, knocked me out! He'd tried wiping the poo off his hand and it was on the washing machine tumble dryer, chairs, floor, wall........I cried like a baby whilst cleaning it and thought to myself, what on earth had I done and would it get better?
He is now nearly 18, stuck in his room with his video games, doesn't want to communicate with me, doesn't want hugs-he recoils from them. I pine for my children's love but nope, they dont remember what us mothers went through! What have I created?! Does it get better? 😭

Leavesandacorns · 13/09/2024 15:41

DS2 did a projectile poo as soon as his nappy came off for his six week check. It squirted everywhere, including on the lovely GP... I honestly don't know how so much poo came out of someone so small. The doctor was so flustered she missed a couple of checks and had to call me to come back the next week.

To make things worse, I had a checkup with the nurse straight after and had to sit there with a huge shit stain on my cream jumper.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 13/09/2024 15:32

emmacav · 01/09/2024 21:58

13 days my youngest went without a poo. He was miserable, couldn’t settle him for love nor money and no amount of tummy massages were shifting what he was holding on to.

One teeny tiny dose of lactulose, whilst laying nappy free on his changing mat and left under the supervision of Mil whilst I showered when he decided to set free Willy wonka’s chocolate river!

Que many muffled exchanges between mil and oh and now growing alarmed I emerge with a head full of shampoo dripping wet to investigate.

What I can only describe as sheer carnage has unfolded. My oh is retching and throwing up out of the back door, my mil has grabbed little lord poop shooter himself and is holding him at arms length repeatedly muttering omg omg and the dog, well he decided that the river of liquid turd that had now spilled over from the change mat to the rug was a free for all and was simultaneously licking up the liquid Nutella whilst being showered in it as it continued to seep out of the demon shart sprayer.

OMG I bet he felt great afterwards!

Sharptonguedwoman · 12/09/2024 08:11

Echobelly · 31/08/2024 21:29

The odd things you find you find yourself saying to toddlers. I actually once had call to say 'No, don't put the owl in the euphonium', also 'Pants first, dinosaur adventure later'

😂😂😂