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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP lied about job

182 replies

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 20:44

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 31/08/2024 22:46

So has he cheated on you and does he take drugs?

Lavender14 · 31/08/2024 22:41

I think op the problem here is that you're blaming the culture/ the job/ the alcohol when actually you need to blame the man. He wasn't forced to do any of the things you've mentioned. He chose to do those things and he chose to prioritise them over you. It doesn't sound like a good lifestyle but he's an adult and it is not your job to fix him or rescue him. It's his job to grow up and make better choices for himself. The best outcome here is that you end up with a man child who is dependent on you acting like his mother to behave himself, that's not good for anyone, especially you.

Let him go, prioritise yourself. It sounds like you've had a hell of a time the last few years so you really don't need to be taking on his drama while you're getting back on your feet. Find someone who has their shit together and who can actually support you, be dependable and trustworthy and who you can actually build a life with. This guy will do that eventually when HE decides its time or when he finds someone he thinks is worth it.

OpalHedgehog · 31/08/2024 22:38

Is he a chef?

Regardless of profession it sounds like the trust is gone for good I’m afraid.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 31/08/2024 22:37

So did he actually cheat and do drugs or not, OP? It's not clear from what you've written. Honestly, either way, you cannot dictate his career. And he's lied. So it's over anyway.

TiaraBoo · 31/08/2024 22:25

I’d want them to choose to leave that industry and find about job. Sure I’d encourage them, but he has to want to do it for it to work.

Kellythekidd · 31/08/2024 22:25

Leave leave leave. You will never have a happy settled life with this man. Imagine having kids with this man. No job is it normal to just party every evening hes lying

Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 22:20

goody2shooz · 31/08/2024 21:39

Is he an MP? 🤪

I’d probably turn a blind eye to all of it if he was. Not living on £15 food budget a week and having a holiday home in St Ives would be nice 😂

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 31/08/2024 22:11

He lied. You’re not compatible. End it

SugarHorseSpooks · 31/08/2024 22:11

@serenavanderwoodsenn Stock broker / Banking ?

Macadamia20 · 31/08/2024 22:02

JohnofWessex · 31/08/2024 21:36

Whats the 'Industry'

I just hope its not safety critical

Sounds like recruitment industry!

Seas164 · 31/08/2024 21:52

You can decide that you don't want to be with a person who works in a specific industry because it entails a certain type of lifestyle that doesn't fit with what you want in a partner. You can't "try to get him out of his industry". There's a difference.

He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t.

What does this tell you? It's over, he's not what you want, find someone that you don't have to change.

MellersSmellers · 31/08/2024 21:47

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:21

For clarification, the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day. It was killing him doing that. And that was before the lying and cheating.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

No, I wouldn't want my long-term partner to work in a sector where that was the culture either. I'd want him to either find a company that bucks the general trend, or move out to another sector. But is his participation really mandatory? Or is he just weak and easily swayed.
That, and the fact he lied, would lead me to question whether you have a rosy future

foodforclouds · 31/08/2024 21:42

goody2shooz · 31/08/2024 21:39

Is he an MP? 🤪

🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

goody2shooz · 31/08/2024 21:39

Is he an MP? 🤪

Arrivapercy · 31/08/2024 21:38

the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day.

No industry requires this. Don't say something daft like trading because I know traders who don't behave like this.

JohnofWessex · 31/08/2024 21:36

Whats the 'Industry'

I just hope its not safety critical

housethatbuiltme · 31/08/2024 21:34

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:21

For clarification, the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day. It was killing him doing that. And that was before the lying and cheating.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

What career involves doing drugs daily?

Except a 'career criminal'.

Thats nothing to do with a legitimate job thats a personality thing... so you just don't like him as a person.

How is breaking up even a question?

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2024 21:33

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:23

He doesn’t.
but going to a bar to drink for 6 hours after every shift, lying to your partner about it and the drink causing someone to make poor choices like cheating is wrong surely???

Show quote history

So he’s cheated, taken drugs, and drinks every day? The industry is a red herring. Why on earth are you considering continuing a relationship with somebody who cheats on you and takes drugs? He’s not suddenly going to have a personality transplant and become Mr Wonderful in a new job, and I don’t know why you’d think he will.

Objectrelations · 31/08/2024 21:32

Your relationship sounds so utterly dysfunctional I don't even know where to start.

Sunshine1500 · 31/08/2024 21:29

you can’t control his career you either accept that’s his job and his lifestyle or you leave him

Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:23

WiseBrownOwl · 31/08/2024 21:21

You don't live together and have no children together from the sounds of it. Why does he have to go straight home after he finishes work? What does it matter if he's out and not home? Why does he have to account for where he is?

Sounds like he's better off out of it to be honest.

He doesn’t.
but going to a bar to drink for 6 hours after every shift, lying to your partner about it and the drink causing someone to make poor choices like cheating is wrong surely???

OP posts:
WiseBrownOwl · 31/08/2024 21:21

You don't live together and have no children together from the sounds of it. Why does he have to go straight home after he finishes work? What does it matter if he's out and not home? Why does he have to account for where he is?

Sounds like he's better off out of it to be honest.

Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:21

For clarification, the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day. It was killing him doing that. And that was before the lying and cheating.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

OP posts:
Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:19

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2024 21:02

Has he actually cheated, or does he have an alcohol problem? If not I think it’s rather unfair and controlling wanting him to leave an industry which he enjoys and is where his professional experience lies, purely based on the behaviour of colleagues who he has no influence over, because you believe he won’t be able to stop himself from behaving badly because that’s “just his personality.” And regardless, if you don’t trust him not to cheat and you don’t like his personality, then it’s best you stay broken up. It doesn’t matter where he works if that’s how you feel about him.

Edited

He actively participated in all of the negative stuff. I did tell him he could stay in it and I’d just walk away. I can’t force anyone to quit their job.

OP posts:
Thepartnersdesk · 31/08/2024 21:18

You shouldn't have to ban someone from their preferred field of work.

If the relationship is turning you into this person, the relationship isn't right.

End it for good and find someone who shares the same values in life that you do.

He sounds a dick but he's entitled to work wherever he chooses.