DP lied about job

And when he does something else you don't like he will lie to keep you.

Move forward not back.

Honestly OP, you cannot tell another person what industry they are allowed to work in. Whether you trust the person or not cannot depend on that.

Lol

Sorry op, I see you have been with him for four years, my mistake, I thought it was only a year but on re-reading, you said you finished for a while earlier in the year. I tried to edit my post a couple of posts above but couldn't for some reason. However. the rest of what I said still stands.

We are all, I am sure, wishing to know which industry your man works in. Of course it is up to you what you tell us and I get you don't want to be outing. I named three that I know of which have a hard drinking culture, plus or minus other things, but will add that people who work in the financial sector, traders/brokers, are very well known for that sort of behaviour. It is an extremely stressful environment.

You made mistakes turning to him when you were low and resuming the relationship . even had he not got this job and lied, he is weak, with booze issues etc - a poor choice of boyfriend.

He knew your boundary was that he wasn't in that industry. He LIED to you. He is now gaslighting you. He broke your boundary. He can't be that desperate to be with you if he won't do the one simple request you asked.

You have no ties to him, you've dodged a bullet! End it now permanently. He cheated and went right back into the industry so has absolutely no remorse. He has no remorse and has shown absolutely no remorse. He hasn't learned, has he?
He had his chance. He will never change - and you know that. You deserve better. You should be fucking furious with him. Tell him today. End it now.

He doesn't have to go to bars every night, or drink and take drugs daily, even if others do. It's a choice. There are careers which have a heavy drinking culture, journalism and the police force for example, but not every person in those jobs does that.

I know people in the entertainments industry who spend long periods of time on tour all over the world but do not succumb to heavy drinking, drugs or irresponsible sex, all of which are rife.

You either do or you don't, it's a choice.

This guy needs a job, he was prepared to risk being unemployed for a while to please you but obviously couldn't find anything that you would consider more suitable.

He must be very immature if he has to go along with everything his colleagues do.

You've not been together that long, maybe its best to call it a day and move on. You have enough on your plate with having lost your home, concentrate on rebuilding your life for now. Who knows, your man may grow up and become more responsible, anything can happen in the future.

Good luck.

What are YOU on?

Read the OP posts.

She's not telling him what to do.

C'mon tell us what his job is. We're all dying to know.

I would not want a relationship with someone who was in that environment. However, it's not up to anyone else to "get" them "out" of any environment. It's his choice if he wants to be in it. Just as it's your choice to end the relationship.

surely you understand that being a cheater etc has all to do with who he is?

stop blaming it on his job/industry!!!

why would you take someone back who cheated repeatedly on you. What about your standards?

I'd question his poor sense of judgement that you even have to point out to him that working in that negative environment is how he wants to earn a living. He should have come to that conclusion by himself without you needing to mention it.

The fact he's still in the industry says he enjoys that lifestyle otherwise he'd never have stayed.

your mistake was to give him an ultimatum that you'd walk away and leave him to it. You should have just walked away, end of.

If you have to control what he does is it really worth it?

Not saying it is right but if someone tried to give me an ultimatum whether clear or implied I may lie I am a grown up and can think for myself

I would accept them for who they are or not at all

Stockbroker?
Walk away OP. The big money payoff is not worth it.

Read through the OP I was all set to comment with "What Regiment is he in?" but the part about getting a different job within a few weeks set me straight😂Just kidding, we're not all bad, even those of us who've retired lol. The things I've seen though - OMO washing powder isn't just a rumour, and the NAA.. eh, nevermind.

Jokes aside though, there's something really important here that a lot of users have picked up on already: Controlling and coercive behaviour. It's (finally, a few hundred years late but better than than never) now a criminal offence, and that law applies equally and rightfully to everybody, no caveats.
There's no "well of course I take all their money away the instant they get paid, otherwise I won't be able to buy myself enough cigarettes!"
There's no "Well of course I don't 'let' them leave the house alone, same as I cut their nice clothes up and tell them what they're allowed to wear!" Pro-tip: if you have to keep your partner chained up to keep them from talking to other people rather than to keep them on the edge for two hours straight then it's you, you are the problem.
Just the same as there's no "If you loved me you'd do what I order you to, but you keep being selfish by disobeying me. Walk out of the job I don't like you doing and I'll be really, really good to you, give you everything, blow your mind, drive you wild - but only once, for an hour or two, then I'll go back to making your life a misery while you turn yourself inside out trying to please me on the off chance I'll give you another five minutes attention six months from now"

Doesn't matter who says it to who or why it's said, coercive and controlling behaviour is a serious criminal offence, and rightly so.

I've assumed from your posts that he has cheated whilst out drinking/taking drugs.

I'm someone who believes that in certain circumstances, it can be possible to move past infidelity. However, for it ever to actually work the cheating partner needs to put in a hell of a lot of work. They have to be completely transparent as a bare minimum starting point. Your DP has shown that even before getting back into that world and having the nights out drinking and taking drugs, that you can't trust him because he lied to you about the job in the first place and told you that he had a job in a different industry. And it's been an ongoing lie that he has maintained for weeks.
Be kind to yourself and end it. You deserve better.

sorry posted too soon. I just ask about the chef thing as I know the chef industry is high pressured with a lot of cocaine use in some places, and a lot of the staff make use of the bar after their shifts.

anyway

Has he cheated on you, or does he just hang around with cheaters? It’s not been established whether HE’s definitely cheated on you.

either way, he shouldn’t have lied about coming out the industry, however he had this job before he met you I assume. You knew he had this job when you got with him. You had the choice then whether to be with him and you chose to. I’m afraid you have to accept it instead of trying to force him to leave the career he wants to do.

if you don’t trust him not to cheat and drink because of what his colleagues do then I’d suggest that maybe the relationship isn’t working. I also agree with PP that jobs are hard to come by and perhaps he doesn’t have family to fall back on.

think about it, would you be happy if he expected you to change career paths incase you might cheat on him?

edit: you say he’s cheated on you before. Get rid. Once the trust is lost with cheating it can never be regained. Even if he worked in a different industry, you’d not trust him again. There is no excuse for cheating, even if the folk around you encourage it.

OP- is he a chef?

Yes, very similar to the City in terms of culture, @Ponoka7.

It also sounds like some finance roles. The high end of the finance industry has nearly caused the death of some people I know and nearly all their marriages have ended.

Media related.

@Garlicfest what is this "the alcoholic, coke-snorting, high-octane industry"? I must be very sheltered.

You've had a rough ride, @serenavanderwoodsenn. Sending you every good wish for stabilising and rebuilding from here.

When my XH#2 remarried, his wife made it conditional on leaving the alcoholic, coke-snorting, high-octane industry we both worked in. Luckily for her, he already had a sideline he wanted to develop and - after a couple of stand-offs - he did so with her financial support, and it now seems to be working very well.

To be honest, I doubt his personality has changed. He's probably still cheating (in all senses of the word) but he's no longer living in a culture that treats dishonesty as the norm. So he'll have to try a bit harder to get his "one overs" in!

I loved that industry. My approach to the business was different from his, though: I managed just fine without breaking any laws or promises; I just enjoyed the pace and the glitter. It is a haven for chancers and egotists, but they need to be fairly well grounded (and smarter than XH#2) to make a success of it.

If your guy can't keep away from the shiny life, he's made his choice. You are not at all unreasonable to ask him to choose. This frees you up for a future with someone who values stability and normality as much as you do.

What industry is this?

This is relevant because it determines whether or not he can easily turn his skills to another industry or one with a less toxic culture. If he cannot or cannot without a large drop in income, then it is unreasonable to expect him to do it for you.

Anyway he lied so dump him.