DP lied about job

Neither of them have good boundaries or standards. They both could have acted like adults and walked away from the relationship, but neither did. One made demands and the other pretended to agree. Very unhealthy basis for a relationship.

However, it doesn't meet the definition of blackmail:

"Extortion of money or something else of value from a person by the threat of exposing a criminal act or discreditable information."

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment?

I would remove myself from his environment for ever.

Raise your bar, dump him and move on.

You will get no good advice now OP until you say the industry. Don't know why you are being so elusive about it. But the more you ignore the more we want to know.

This is a guessing thread now. Just bloody say it.

Army? That’s the only job where I can see a lifestyle and career blended in this way.

In any case, having standards would be leaving him to it and moving on with your life. A relationship with conditions is controlling and shows lack of trust, do you really want to waste your time/bring up a family with a man you do not trust? Doesn’t sound like a happy life for anyone involved.

This was my first thought too, sounds very Wolf of Wall Street

You shouldn't have blackmailed somebody into changing jobs. It's no fun being unemployed. He lied because you were controlling.

I think you were right the first time when you ended it and you need to stick to that.
youre right it was wrong of him to pretend he had changed the type of job when he hasn’t.
but I do think he’s the problem rather than his industry.

You and your boyfriend are not compatible. It is as simple as that really. Don't waste your life trying to change him. A leopard does not change its spots.

You can’t make someone leave a job / industry. That’s got to be his choice. It is controlling to tell him where he can and can’t work. But we aren’t saying you should put up with that, but that you should end the relationship if you’re not happy with that. That’s your standard and he can’t meet it, so what’s the point in continuing. End the relationship for good as things won’t change.

OP, you are confusing "having standards" with trying to change/fix someone. Having standards means that you have firm boundaries, walk away from a bad situation and you never go back.

Only he can change his situation. At best you can help him, but only if he does the work and wants your help. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. He does not want to change and shows you disrespect by lying to you so he gets to keep you around.

You say have standards, but you know that he is messing you around and you are willing to let him. These two things are mutually exclusive.

^this.

A person is not going to start doing those things because of work culture unless they want to do them anyway. Peer pressure is a real thing, but if someone really doesn't want to drink/take drugs/lie they won't. The job is a red herring.

What industry has this as criteria attached?

When my DP has been away for long periods on film location, this kind of behaviour isn't expected or rife, exactly the same with his friends experiences, whether they're in front or behind the camera.

Why would you even bother staying with someone who cheats when you have no ties with him to keep you around, no house with him, no kids, no joint financial ties etc. Those are the only understandable reasons for having to assess a relationship with a cheater and not just walking away.

I think you should just walk away. You carried on without him you can do that again. Find someone you can tŕust and who loves you. You sound very vulnerable because of your bad luck during covid and having to live with your parents because you lost your home, take a breath and look after yourself you dont need the extra worry of not trusting your boyfriend. Good luck to you.

How else do you cheat?

Everyone can cheat in any job but in some industries it happens more than in others and cheating is much more open where everyone knows.

You are not controlling and people saying that are absolute nutcases.

Imagine he's working in entertainment industry maybe? Shit salaries but a big party lifestyle.

You need to leave him, all the stuff he has done before and clearly not about to change.

You were cheated on and lied to - and now you are surprised he is lying to you. Will you be surprised when he cheats again too?

It's not 'controlling' to have conditions on returning to a relationship, to enable a cheater to rebuild trust. But if you genuinely have standards, this is the point where you walk away as he has broken trust again.

Booundaries are things you keep in place by your own actions, not by trying to force another person to behave in the way you want. At the moment, you are trying to persuade a burglar to not steal from you. If you are serious about your standards and boundaries, you'd lock the door and secure your gates - walk away and go no contact.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

No, I'd just leave him. I think you have a false sense of control. You can't control his lifestyle but you can control who you are with.

Did he cheat on you OP? Like with another person? If so I don’t think it’s the industry that’s the problem.

Never heard of an industry that forces people to drink and cheat. You know it yourself. It is on par with a five-year old saying 'he/she made me do this', or 'look what you made me do!' Let us ban knives because of knife crime? He is an unreliable liar, whatever 'industry' he works in and you know it.

He cheated on you, probably more than once by your posts.
Why taf do you want him?

This is the exact problem I had with my ex! (And in fact I wrote a post about his behaviour within his industry several years ago where we stayed together but eventually I broke up with him due to his drinking!) He worked in recruitment in the city and everything revolved around ‘client drinks’ and ‘I’m working, you just don’t understand.’

Absolutely nothing changed, they’re all the same. He would go to strip clubs and lie about it. Drug use was rife.

he used to say I didn’t understand, but the only thing I understood is we both worked full time but I used to end my working day picking up our son from nursery, cook dinner, clean, do the grocery shop etc and he just wouldn’t return home. I couldn’t live like that and I’ve had the best almost 3 years since ending it. OP, you seem to have your head screwed on straight and have already made the right decision. Good luck!

If he has cheated better to end relationship for good. That’s no basis for future happiness.

If you had standards you wouldn’t have taken him back.

Not it it's work they enjoyed and we're qualified to do. You seem to be making lots of assumptions when you don't work in the industry. Did you expect him to sit for however long unemployed with no income and then go into something else at probably entry level just to please you especially given that you're still struggling to get back on your feet? Can't blame the bloke for lying.

End it. You don’t trust him anyway and now he’s lied about the very thing you have issues with. It will never work.