Page 2 | DP lied about job

serenavanderwoodsenn · 2024-08-31T19:44:51+00:00

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed. About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 09:43

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 09:05

First line of first post: His behaviour became unrecognisable.

So she knew him before he started acting like a wazzock.

Edited

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by the way she’s written it it insinuates he worked in this industry before she got
together with him and she blames it for his behaviour. Im not defending the way he’s behaved, but if he was loyal to begin with he wouldn’t let people at work influence him. Likely he has always been a loser and a cheater and always will be even if he didn’t have this job.

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 09:05

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 09:01

She should’ve stated her boundaries about his job before they got together so he could make a choice whether to enter into the relationship or not. I find it bizarre that it wasn’t spoken about.

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First line of first post: His behaviour became unrecognisable.

So she knew him before he started acting like a wazzock.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 09:01

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 08:32

I recommend reading the OP, @Lovefromjuliaxo.

Also, how do you think she would "make him change his job"? She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.

That doesn't force him to change, does it? She's stating a boundary. The honest responses available to him are [a] OK, I'll look for something else, or [b] Sorry but this is who I am.

He wasn't honest. He lied to her about it for a month. She's more than entitled not to want a relationship with anyone who lies about something as important as this.

Since he's tried to manipulate her by massively bullshitting her, I'd say he's the one attempting control.

She should’ve stated her boundaries about his job before they got together so he could make a choice whether to enter into the relationship or not. I find it bizarre that it wasn’t spoken about.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 08:45

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 08:32

I recommend reading the OP, @Lovefromjuliaxo.

Also, how do you think she would "make him change his job"? She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.

That doesn't force him to change, does it? She's stating a boundary. The honest responses available to him are [a] OK, I'll look for something else, or [b] Sorry but this is who I am.

He wasn't honest. He lied to her about it for a month. She's more than entitled not to want a relationship with anyone who lies about something as important as this.

Since he's tried to manipulate her by massively bullshitting her, I'd say he's the one attempting control.

I did RTFT, I replied a while ago.

yes he was unreasonable to lie, not defending that.

she got into a relationship with this man, knowing the industry he worked in. If she wasn’t cool with that, why did she get with him in the first place?

“She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.”

she can tell him what she likes, but trying to make him quit the industry when she got into the relationship fully KNOWING he worked in it already and then saying she only wants to stay if he leaves it sounds like blackmail. Trying to pick between her and his job. She can be uncomfortable with it sure. She has every right to decide to leave if she feels like his job no longer works for her. But she is BU asking him to quit.

she says he has cheated on her, but iirc I don’t think she specified if this was even during work. There is no excuse for cheating, but people at work “encouraging you to cheat” will have no effect on you if you are loyal in the first place. Sadly this man is not loyal, but I would not blame his job and people encouraging him. He has a mind of his own.

as I say he sounds like a scumbag, but he chose to cheat. Nowt to do with his job.

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 08:32

I recommend reading the OP, @Lovefromjuliaxo.

Also, how do you think she would "make him change his job"? She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.

That doesn't force him to change, does it? She's stating a boundary. The honest responses available to him are [a] OK, I'll look for something else, or [b] Sorry but this is who I am.

He wasn't honest. He lied to her about it for a month. She's more than entitled not to want a relationship with anyone who lies about something as important as this.

Since he's tried to manipulate her by massively bullshitting her, I'd say he's the one attempting control.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 08:17

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 04:42

I swear there are more lunatics on MN every week 🤨

It's irrelevant what the actual job is. As already evidenced on this thread, the lifestyle she describes is common in:
media;
finance;
recruitment;
catering;
entertainment;
the armed forces.
I can think of a few more, but it doesn't matter.

It's not controlling to tell a partner they must choose between your relationship and a particular job. It is never reasonable to lie to a partner about how you earn your living. Wordy, didactic essays don't make it reasonable.

OP, this idiot isn't your only hope! Ditch him for good and free yourself up for somebody more trustworthy.

Sorry but it is controlling, especially if you got into the relationship fully knowing the partner worked in that industry already. Would you be happy for your husband to choose between him and your job? If she isn’t happy about what he works in she has the right to leave if she wants, but not to make him change his job that he had since before he met her.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 02/09/2024 07:46

Frogpole · 02/09/2024 04:31

If you are incapable of grasping why OP's behaviour is wrong just by, what was it now.. "Read the OP posts.", if that is beyond your comprehension then I'm afraid I have neither enough patience nor enough crayons to explain this in a way you would be able to meaningfully understand.

However, however... competence with the English language - or lack henceforth thereof in some cases - isn't really the issue here, or at least not the only one, is it? What's interesting to note is that of all the users who've expressed the same thing I have, even the one who rightfully and justifiably raised the fact that the userbase here would be screaming blue bloody murder if a man had said those same things about a woman, the only one you've singled out for an attack is me.

Now, a sceptical person might be forgiven for thinking the reason you've attacked me specifically and no one else is that it's clear from my post that I'm a man. They might start to think that you're projecting your own marital issues on to me, or assuming men are all stupid and won't dare answer back so you can just say "IM NOT CONTROLLING YOU YOU FORCED ME TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" and it won't be an issue, or...

I'm not sceptical though, so I'm sure you meant well.

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OPs behaviour is not wrong. Working in the environment destroyed their relationship the first time round. She's giving him another chance and he lied, and as such he picked the end of the relationship. She is right to feel disappointed that he chose toxic workplace over a relationship with her willingly and gaslit her over where he worked. I'm not sure why people can't grasp that.

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 04:42

I swear there are more lunatics on MN every week 🤨

It's irrelevant what the actual job is. As already evidenced on this thread, the lifestyle she describes is common in:
media;
finance;
recruitment;
catering;
entertainment;
the armed forces.
I can think of a few more, but it doesn't matter.

It's not controlling to tell a partner they must choose between your relationship and a particular job. It is never reasonable to lie to a partner about how you earn your living. Wordy, didactic essays don't make it reasonable.

OP, this idiot isn't your only hope! Ditch him for good and free yourself up for somebody more trustworthy.

Frogpole · 02/09/2024 04:31

crockofshite · 01/09/2024 06:03

What are YOU on?

Read the OP posts.

She's not telling him what to do.

Show quote history

If you are incapable of grasping why OP's behaviour is wrong just by, what was it now.. "Read the OP posts.", if that is beyond your comprehension then I'm afraid I have neither enough patience nor enough crayons to explain this in a way you would be able to meaningfully understand.

However, however... competence with the English language - or lack henceforth thereof in some cases - isn't really the issue here, or at least not the only one, is it? What's interesting to note is that of all the users who've expressed the same thing I have, even the one who rightfully and justifiably raised the fact that the userbase here would be screaming blue bloody murder if a man had said those same things about a woman, the only one you've singled out for an attack is me.

Now, a sceptical person might be forgiven for thinking the reason you've attacked me specifically and no one else is that it's clear from my post that I'm a man. They might start to think that you're projecting your own marital issues on to me, or assuming men are all stupid and won't dare answer back so you can just say "IM NOT CONTROLLING YOU YOU FORCED ME TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" and it won't be an issue, or...

I'm not sceptical though, so I'm sure you meant well.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 02/09/2024 04:02

Lovefromjuliaxo · 01/09/2024 22:22

Are you going to tell anyone what the industry is? It might help as there could be people here who have experience/ have spouses who work in the same industry. It’s quite relevant to the post.

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How is this relevant and how is it gonna help op? It will only help nosy people to satisfy their curiosity or deny her her experiences😂
Op has experience working in this industry so she knows what she's talking about.

Original poster

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 23:51

Lovefromjuliaxo · 01/09/2024 22:22

Are you going to tell anyone what the industry is? It might help as there could be people here who have experience/ have spouses who work in the same industry. It’s quite relevant to the post.

Show quote history

It’s completely irrelevant as there’ll be countless people who no doubt say ‘I know someone in that profession and they don’t take drugs/go out everyday/etc’

OP posts:

Lovefromjuliaxo · 01/09/2024 22:22

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 12:09

I do live with family but meant I don’t have family to support me. We have never gotten along due to childhood abuse, I don’t have their support

Show quote history

Are you going to tell anyone what the industry is? It might help as there could be people here who have experience/ have spouses who work in the same industry. It’s quite relevant to the post.

EmoIsntDead · 01/09/2024 12:10

HeatherCross · 01/09/2024 08:35

My son was a top Head Chef in London. This exactly describes the lifestyle. Definitely for single men. My son left the industry,left London married a Devon girl, got a dog, works in Tesco now , lives in a forest!

Good on your son for having his priorities sorted. His life sounds lovely!

Original poster

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 12:09

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2024 12:05

I don’t have family

But you said you live with family…

I do live with family but meant I don’t have family to support me. We have never gotten along due to childhood abuse, I don’t have their support

OP posts:

Bearbookagainandagain · 01/09/2024 12:08

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 01:24

Genuinely a bit confused about some of the replies saying I’m controlling.

I was cheated on and lied to - I ended the relationship.
He wanted to come back - I say I’m not getting in a relationship again when he’s still working with the people he drank and cheated with as we couldn’t make a fresh start if he was still around all that.

I didn’t realise having standards was now controlling.

It's controlling to dictate which job he can or cannot do, sorry.
I can understand why his job might influence his lifestyle, but in the end it is the lifestyle you can't deal with, not the job. And if drinking and taking drugs is part of his lifestyle, he will go back to it one way or another, whatever job he does.

You just need to call it quit and leave him, for your own sake.

Doyoumind · 01/09/2024 12:07

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2024 12:05

I don’t have family

But you said you live with family…

She did 🤔

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2024 12:05

I don’t have family

But you said you live with family…

Original poster

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 12:04

You seem to be making lots of assumptions when you don't work in the industry.

Im not making assumptions, I worked in the same industry years ago. I know the stuff that goes on in it, I was raped while working in this industry and because of the environment it is, it was all swept under the rug. I know exactly what goes on.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2024 12:01

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 01:24

Genuinely a bit confused about some of the replies saying I’m controlling.

I was cheated on and lied to - I ended the relationship.
He wanted to come back - I say I’m not getting in a relationship again when he’s still working with the people he drank and cheated with as we couldn’t make a fresh start if he was still around all that.

I didn’t realise having standards was now controlling.

You cannot dictate another person’s actions. You either accept them as they are and trust them and move on, or accept they aren’t the person for you.

My DH has zero restrictions on him and I have none either. We treat each other with kindness and respect because we love each other and want to make each other happy.

I don’t remain faithful because there are obstacles to cheating - both of us could’ve cheated many times over but in 19 years it’s never occurred to me - I remain faithful because my relationship and my integrity matter to me.

Original poster

serenavanderwoodsenn · 01/09/2024 12:00

Loopytiles · 01/09/2024 06:44

You made mistakes turning to him when you were low and resuming the relationship . even had he not got this job and lied, he is weak, with booze issues etc - a poor choice of boyfriend.

I don’t have family and the friends I have aren’t really close. I found out that the contraception we had used had failed and I was pregnant. I made the choice to have an abortion as we weren’t together at this point and he wouldn’t have supported the child.
I miscarried before the abortion but was advised to still take abortion tablets to expel everything. It didn’t work and I had retained tissue still. I was very ill, bleeding constantly and needed to go to hospital and he helped me through that with accompanying me etc. I needed someone to physically be there not just emotionally so I wouldn’t really say it was a mistake

OP posts:

Inkyblue123 · 01/09/2024 11:38

he is not the man for you, you don’t hold the same values or want the same things. Just chalk this one upto experience and move on.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/09/2024 10:27

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:21

For clarification, the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day. It was killing him doing that. And that was before the lying and cheating.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

I get where you are coming from, that you want to get him out of that environment, but you can’t do that. You can help someone get out of an environment they choose to leave but they have to choose. He has chosen to go back for more of the same. Being with someone with that lifestyle doesn’t suit you so you need to move on. He lies to so you can’t trust him. For you to have a relationship you’re happy in this one needs to end.

AddictedtoStarmix · 01/09/2024 09:59

Heavy drinkers and drug users do not cheat by accident as they nearly always need some added help to perform.
He is also a gaslighter and a liar.
Even if everything else about him is perfect, you are worth more.
Your self-worth and esteem will not thank you for staying with this man.

Wonderwall23 · 01/09/2024 09:47

I wouldn't love it if anyone I loved was in a job with a culture like this...specifically the binge drinking and drugs...be it my sister, brother, son, friend etc. But the 'cheating' bit you are looking at in the wrong way, I think. If a grown adult wants to have a job/lifestyle where there's a culture that they meet other adults in clubs and kiss or have sex with them, that's fine. They can do this...it's the fact that he is doing it when he already has a partner that's the issue...not the job itself. He shouldn't have to change career to be able to not cheat...he just needs to not cheat!

Regardless, he's not worth it and you need to move on. This really is an easy aibu, OP. The easiest I've seen today. You need to dump him!

KeepinOn · 01/09/2024 09:41

Raise your standards even higher and end it with this man. Leave him to it, and go live your life free from worry, stress, and anxiety. Relationships should bring joy and light to your life, and this sounds the exact opposite. So why bother?